Chapter 12: Elena
“God, I'm tired,” I said, as we walked in the door to the beach house. Damon chuckled behind me, as he closed the door and sat down the bag with our things. I went to the living room, and flopped down on the couch. My legs were sore from the surfing, and my skin felt weird after being in the water and getting dried by the sun. Oh, and I was just a bit drunk from the champagne Damon had brought. Great combination, really.
I probably shouldn't have gulped it down like I did, especially because I hadn't had any lunch. The alcohol was way too strong for me at the moment. Normally I'm not easily affected by alcohol. I've always been able to keep up with Damon at bars and stuff. But by then I had made sure I had eaten enough food.
“You should be. You've been surfing and drinking. Not a pretty combination. You want some coffee or something? You're going to have a bad hangover tonight,” Damon said, as he walked in the room and sat down on the chair next to the couch. I shrugged and closed my eyes. The light was way too strong for my eyes. All I really wanted to do, was to go to bed and sleep this off.
Much to my surprise, I felt two arms wrap around me, and lift me from the couch. Normally I would've fought him on the subject, but I was way too drunk and way too tired to do anything but wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me to our bedroom.
That sounded good. It sounded right. I loved knowing that we were forced to sleep in the same bed for three weeks. This had been the best idea Caroline had ever had. I had to remember to thank her when we returned home. No matter if Damon and I got together, this trip had been amazing, and I had been close with Damon. I actually had a good time.
As he put me down on the bed, I didn't let go of his neck and pulled him with me. He chuckled and pulled me closer to his body. Content with being close to him, I let out a happy sigh and closed my eyes once again.
“I'm really glad you came, Damon. This wouldn't be fun without you,” I murmured, as I slowly felt my self fall in a drunken sleep.
I nearly didn't hear him, as he answered.
“I'm really glad I came too.”
I yawned as I felt my self slowly wakening from my sleep. But something seemed off. Something was wrong.
First of all, I wasn't wearing clothes. I was completely naked. And it only took me a second to realize that I wasn't alone in bed either. Someone was behind me, placing small kisses up and down my neck, while holding me close by my waist. The kisses left a burning trail along my neck, something I had never felt before.
I felt all of my body stiffen as the hand that were currently resting on my stomach, started moving up and down, caressing my abdomen gently. What the hell had happened, and who the hell was laying behind me? And why the hell were we naked?!
“Mmh, morning beautiful.”
I recognised the voice in a heartbeat. I would always recognise that voice.
It was Damon's hand that was caressing my body, Damon's lips that were placing kisses all over my neck and Damon's naked body that were pressed against mine. What the hell was going on? The only thing I remembered were going surfing with him. How did we end up naked in bed together?
Slowly, I turned around, only to be met by Damon's incredibly blue eyes, looking at me, as if I was the most precious thing in the whole damn world. Even though I loved the way his gaze fell upon my face, I had to know what was going on. This seemed wrong.
“Damon? What's going on?” I asked, loving the way his one hand touched my face, slowly caressing my cheek. He frowned, as he placed a small kiss on my nose. The gesture made my body shutter and my heart flutter. Was this how it was like, waking up to Damon Salvatore, when you actually meant something to him? When you wasn't just his friend?
“You don't remember? How drunk were you yesterday?” he asked, starting to place small kisses down my neck. His lips made me feel weird. A tingling sensation filled my body as his kisses were slowly trailing down my torso, resulting in his mouth on my naked breast. A moan escaped my lips, as his tongue started playing with my nipple. Why did that feel so good? Shouldn't it feel weird? I couldn't let the thoughts wander any further. Whatever he was doing to my body, made it very hard for me to focus.
“I wasn't drunk yesterday,” I said, fighting to keep my breath somewhat steady. His hands caressed the sides of my body, as he let the other nipple get the same attention. I felt a wonderful throbbing between my legs. Was I getting turned on? I let out a loud gasp, as he playfully bit the nipple he was currently playing with, and his hand cupped my sex.
I should stop him. I was a virgin, and I should tell him to stop, because I wasn't ready to loose it now. How could I be sure that I wasn't just another one of his girls? I should really stop him, but what he was doing to me was way too pleasure-filled for me to make him stop. I enjoyed it. I liked it. And I wanted him to go even further.
“You had to be pretty drunk, if you don't remember what we did yesterday, Lena,” he said, trailing kisses down my stomach, stopping just by the bikini line. Was I seriously letting him do this?
Wait, what did we do yesterday? Did he meant that we... No, no, no, that couldn't be right. I wouldn't just let him take my virginity and then forget about it. Not with Damon. I had been wanting him ever since we were kids! No way I had forgotten our first time. I wouldn't let that happen!
“What did we do yesterday?” I asked, forgetting everything about keeping my breath under control. There was no point to it, really. His tongue flicked over my clit, gently and only once. A big gasp escaped my lips at the new sensation. It felt good. Way too good. Why was it I was letting him do this, again?
He smiled at me, placing both my legs over his shoulders, giving him full access to my body. God, I felt nervous. My cheeks were turning red, and I felt insecure as hell. He placed one small kiss on me, and then looked at my face again.
“I'd rather show you than tell you. Don't be shy, Lena. You're beautiful and I want you. So much. Don't ever doubt that,” he said and then buried his head between my legs. A moan escaped my lips, as my hand went to his hair, and grabbed on. His soft tongue felt wonderful against my sensitive skin. A wonderful feeling was shooting through my lower abdomen, making it impossible for me not to moan his name. I felt his lips curl into a smile, as his tongue went inside me. It was a weird and new feeling, but I loved it. And I loved that he was the one to do this to me.
As I felt my inside clench, he removed his head, making me feel like the world would stop, if he didn't continue. But he didn't. He kissed his way back to my mouth, before positioning his head at my entrance.
“It might hurt slightly, Lena. Not as much as yesterday, but still,” he said, while he slowly slid inside of me, making me clamp my nails down his back, while screaming out.
I woke up with a giant gasp, sitting up in the big bed I shared with Damon. I was alone, and I was still in my bikini. The sun was setting, sending a cascade of orange light through the window. To say that I was confused, would be an understatement. I had a weird throbbing sensation between my legs, that I had never felt before, and my bikini bottom was soaked. Did I just have a wet dream? About Damon? Did a freaking dream just make me... Well, wet?
I guess it did. And I was shaken as hell. I wasn't used to this kind of stuff. I knew that I loved Damon more than what was healthy, but this was a whole new level. I had never had these kinds of dreams about him.
The dream had been filled with new feelings, new sensations, stuff I had never ever experienced before. And the dream made me realise just how much I wanted to experience them – with Damon. I really didn't want to try any of these things, with anyone else than Damon. He was going to be my first, and I was going to be one hundred percent ready, when we did it. And I also had to be certain that I wasn't just another one of his girls. That would simply break my heart into pieces. How could I ever survive getting used by the man of my dreams? I couldn't.
And where the hell did these thoughts come from? There was no way Damon would ever want to be with me like that. Sure, he seemed to be looking a bit more at me, after I followed Caroline's advice, and changed my style, but no way he wanted to get together. Why was I even thinking about that? It wasn't going to happen, and I was only hurting my self more, by thinking that he would.
God, I needed to get a grip!
Trying to get myself together, I got out of the bed, and went straight for my suitcase. I needed to get some clean clothes on. Right now. I really didn't want to be in the wet swim suit anymore. Especially not when I knew it wasn't water that had made the bottom this damp.
Gathering a pair of shorts and a tanktop, plus underwear, I made my way to the bathroom, quickly stripping off the bikini. As I stood there, all naked in the bathroom, I looked in the big mirror above the sink.
The girl staring back didn't remind me of my self. It didn't look like me. My long hair was fuzzy, looking as though I had been tossing and turning in my sleep. My skin was getting even more tanned than usual, and my eyes looked wild. There was no other way to describe them.
Turning sideways, I looked at my body. I still wasn't anywhere near comfortable in my own skin. My stomach was too big. It wasn't completely flat, like Caroline's was. I wasn't as tall as she was, and my breast wasn't anywhere near as full as hers was. I love Caroline of all my heart, but I had a hard time, not comparing my self to her.
How could I ever seduce Damon, if my body looked like it did? He was used to hot girls, bold girls. Girls whose bodies looked amazing, totally flat stomachs, long legs, full breasts. Girls like Caroline. I was lucky she was with Matt. How could I ever be as good as that? As good as Caroline? Caroline wasn't insecure. She knew how to have fun, she knew exactly how to seduce a boy. Why couldn't I be more like her? Why did I get all shy, and locked up?
Sighing I took a look at my left arm. The scars were still noticeable, but only if you knew they were there. It was starting to look a lot like I had never been sitting with a razor blade and cut open my skin. And all I wanted to do, was to make new scars. I wanted to rip open my skin, just like I used to. Make new scars, new signs that I was a wreck. New signs that I wasn't worth spending time on, not worth loving.
But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I didn't have any clothes that would hide it, and I did not want Damon to know. How do you explain that?
'Oh, the scars? That's just from cutting, because I knew I could never be anything more than friend to you'
I don't think so. No, he couldn't ever know. The scars would fade completely, and he would be oblivious to it, for the rest of his life. Just like he had been with my feelings. That was the best way, I was sure of that.
Sighing, I pulled on my clothes and examined my self one last time in the mirror. The clothes made me seem confident. Like I actually liked my own body, like I was secure. But I had never felt more vulnerable. Not even when I had been in Damon's arm, sobbing, because of our parents. No, this was worse.
I hated showing off my body. Everyone was able to see my body, see my curves and everything that was wrong with my body. I hated the way everyone was staring at me, in the air port, at the beach. It made me feel naked. And that was what I was.
Damon had saved me, every single time. I wasn't thrilled about him looking at me either, but he was my best friend, and as always, he was there for me. He protected me, because that was what he did. I had no idea what to do without him.
Taking in a deep breath, I left the bathroom, and headed downstairs. Damon was standing by the stove, cooking something that smelled sinfully good. As soon as I stepped in the kitchen, he turned around and smiled at me.
“Hey, sleepyhead. You're finally awake. Just in time for dinner,” he said, as he returned to the food. I smiled and flopped down on one of the bar stools by the marble island in the middle. I loved seeing Damon cooking. It was like he was in his rightful element by the stove. There was absolutely no denying that Damon's food was heaven sent. Living with him, meant that I got to eat his food, almost every day. There was nothing I enjoyed more, than spending time with him, and we had some kind of silence agreement, that we always ate at least one meal a day together. It was a weird thing, really, but it made me certain that I would always see him at least once a day. Now that we was in Cali, I got to be with him all the time. We rarely left each others side, and I loved it.
“How long was I out? And what are we having? It smells wonderful,” I said, getting comfortable in the bar stool. Somehow, it wasn't hard regaining a good mood, when he was around. He made me happy.
“A couple of hours, I believe. It'll be hard for you to sleep tonight. Pasta carbonara,” he said, smiling, even though he didn't look at me. The food craved his full attention.
“Well, then we have to put on a movie or something. Then it'll be late before we go to bed, and I'll be able to sleep,” I said.
“Sure. I'm on, unless we're watching chick flicks. Just remember, you have to have energy for tomorrow. What I've got planned, craves energy,” he said, looking at me shortly. My eyes widened a bit at that comment. What did he have planned? And how many were going? Did I get to spend another day in Damon's company, or was Caroline and Matt going as well? I loved spending time with Damon alone, but I needed to spend time with Caroline and Matt as well. They were my best friends.
“No chick flicks, I promise. But no horror movies! Unless you want to comfort me all night, because I'm scared,” I said, feeling the heat in my cheeks. He knew I wasn't good at the whole horror movie stuff. When I watched my first horror movie, when I was 15, he'd been in bed with me for almost a whole week, comforting me every time I woke up with a nightmare. Needless to say I had been excited about being that close to him every night, but I didn't really like him seeing me like that. After all, it was just some stupid movie.
“Well, I wouldn't mind comforting you... You know I don't mind. But I think you need your sleep more than I need to...” he stopped him self, and smiled shortly down at the food, “no horror movies. I promise. We'll find something funny or action.”
I frowned. Why did he stop in the middle of a sentence? What had he meant to say? He always said exactly what he wanted to say. He never kept anything a secret, when it came to me. I was his best friend, for God's sake. But this time he had stopped him self, and I was curious.
“You need to what?” I asked, hoping to find out what he had been wanting to say. He turned off the stove and started getting the food ready for dinner. Then he turned to me and looked me in the eye, a smirk firmly in place on his lips.
“That's for me to know and for you to... Dot, dot, dot.” I smacked him playfully on the arm, while laughing at him. He smiled at me and returned to the food.
“Since when do you keep things a secret from me,” I asked, still sounding playful. I had to remember that he wasn't the one keeping a big secret from me. I was the one lying to him, almost every single day. But I was lying to him for a good reason! I would loose him completely, if he knew about my feelings.
“Well, I do remember something about my best friend crying in the bathroom, while refusing to tell me what was wrong,” he said, raising one single eyebrow at me. I grew silent with that one. I couldn't tell him what had been wrong. Of course I wanted to, but I couldn't. Then he would know, about my feelings, about my cutting... No, I couldn't tell him. Would I be able to actually lie to him, and give him some other bad reason for crying? It couldn't be our parents. I wouldn't keep that a secret. What other reason could I possibly have for crying?
“It was girl stuff, Damon. You'd be disgusted if you knew. Trust me, you really don't want to know what it was. And does it really matter? I'm fine. I haven't been crying since then. I'm having fun here, with you and Caroline and Matt,” I said, forcing a smile. If I was going to get him to let this go, I had to pretend like this wasn't a big deal. I guess it wasn't really. I had been in love with him forever, nothing new there. I had been wanting to cut for a long time as well. Nothing was new. Not a big deal, Elena, not a big deal.
“Is this your way of being subtle about periods?” he asked, suddenly looking a bit disgusted. Okay, hadn't seen that one coming, but fine. Trying my best to look like I was embarrassed, I looked down at the counter, letting my hair cover my face. He knew I'd be blushing if I was embarrassed, and there was absolutely no heat in my cheeks right at the moment. Of course there weren't, I wasn't on my period. I hadn't been ever since I got my contraceptive implant. Jenna had been very cautious about me and guys, even though I really didn't want to be with anyone. That's why she made me get the implant, in stead of the pills. Also, because she didn't trust me to actually remember to take a pill every single day. An implant in my arm would mean that I didn't need to remember. That had been a year ago, and even though I didn't go to bed with guys (besides Damon, but that didn't really count), I was happy about it. Periods hadn't been a problem since then, and I enjoyed it.
Damon's small groan make me come back to reality.
“Really? You were crying about periods? Somehow, I don't really buy that one, Lena. It can't possibly hurt that much. But I'll let this go for now. I'll find out, somehow, but I'm going to let it go right now,” he said. Shit. He didn't buy it? God, I needed to come up with some sort of explanation for that situation. I didn't like that he thought I didn't trust him. Because I did. Of course I did. He just couldn't know.
“Mhm, smells good in here. When's dinner ready?” Caroline walked through the door and flopped down in a stool beside me. I smiled at her, as Damon finished up with the food.
“Right now. Go get the table ready, then I'll bring out the food,” he said, nodding towards the terrace. We were eating outside again, even though the sun was almost down. All of us enjoyed the California sun. It was hot, every single day, and all of us were getting pretty tanned.
Caroline and I grabbed everything necessary for us to eat, and started decking the table for the four of us. Finally a bit of alone time with Caroline. I had so many things I wanted to talk to her about. The afternoon with Damon had been amazing, but I was really confused. If I didn't knew better, I would say that he had been flirting with me.
“So, it seems like my plan is working just perfect,” Caroline said, as we sat down on the chairs, waiting for Damon to bring out the food. I blushed and looked down at my folded hands on the table.
“I don't know, Care. I mean, he seems like he's paying a lot more attention to me, but I'm not sure... I really can't find out,” I said, suddenly feeling just as insecure as I had felt when I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Why did I even think Damon would want to have someone like me?
“Elena trust me, the plan is working just fine. Haven't you seen the way he looks at you? Just keep on going. How did he react to the night gown?” she asked, a dirty smile playing on her lips. I blushed slightly and rolled my eyes at her.
“I didn't wear it. I borrowed some of his clothes instead. I couldn't just go out in that one... That would be way too... Revealing. He's already seen me in a bikini! Isn't that enough for now?” I said, trying to keep my voice down. He could be coming out every second, and everything could get pretty awkward, pretty fast. She laughed, as I blushed, and put on her sunglasses.
“That's up to you. But you will wear that gown while we're here! Trust me, he's going to love it...”
“Who's going to love what?”
I felt my body stiffen, as I heard Damon's smooth voice from the door. He couldn't have heard what Caroline just said! That would ruin everything! Trying to keep my cheeks from turning red, I tried to make up an excuse.
“Oh, Matt's going to love what I have in store for him tonight,” Caroline said, lying smoothly. How did she just make that up? I looked down, letting my hair hide my face, that was gradually turning red. I really didn't want him to question Caroline's lie. If he did, we would be forced to tell him the truth, which would chock him more than he knew. I mentally crossed my fingers, hoping that he would actually believe in our smooth lie.
“Blondie, I do not want to hear any kind of details concerning you and the quarterback's sex life. I'm really better off without,” he said, grimacing while placing the food on the table. Caroline didn't answer, but smiled happily at him. I rolled my eyes, still under the cover of my hair. Why did the two of them always have to talk about sex? Sometimes it seemed like they weren't able to speak of anything else. Could sex really be that amazing?
“I think our conversation is taking the wrong turn, right, Lena?” Damon said, chuckling lightly at my red cheeks. Thank God he didn't knew what we were actually talking about. I had no idea how he would react. I mean, we had been best friends forever, and I knew almost every part of him. But I had no idea how he would react to the news about me bringing a way too revealing night gown to our little holiday. Oh no, he couldn't know. I would tell him if we ever got together. Of course I would tell him. But right now, I needed to shut the hell up, and play along on Caroline's lie.
“Yeah. This smells delicious, Damon! Surfing makes you hungry,” I said, not really thinking about the fact that I hadn't told Caroline about the way we had spent the day. Surely she would want to know what had happened down at the beach.
“Yeah, and food is a great cure for a hangover. How are you feeling?” he asked, reminding me of the time we spent at the cave. I blushed slightly and sipped my soda.
“I'm fine. I don't even have a headache. I'm hangover free,” I said, as Matt joined us at the table. I hadn't seen him all day, and was happy to see that he hadn't gone home. Caroline and him fought all the time. I didn't really see what they had to fight about, but they did, nonetheless.
“Hangover free? Someone's been having a fun afternoon!” Matt said, as he sat down next to Caroline and put his hand on her thigh.
“Kids, no sex at the table! I will not accept it!” Damon said in a mocking voice, as he sat down next to me, “and this young lady over here is still innocent. I'd like to keep her eyes the same, thank you!”
Great way to make me feel small, Damon. Just great. I would really never be anything else than his annoying little sister/best friend. Why did I even agree to all of this?