I turned on Disney Jr. for Lilly as she ate some strawberry yogurt . She giggles occasionally as I stare at the screen of the laptop, trying to study what it says . I was working on science, and god did I hate it.
"Aubey ? " Lilly asks me, her mouth full of yogurt .
"Yes Hun ? " I respond, re-reading something .
"Why you have a baby when you very young ? " her toddler language threw me off guard on what she was saying . I turn my full attention to her .
"Well Jace and I are very happy with each other so God decided to give us a baby . " I had no idea how to explain it, but putting a God reference in there probably helped.
"But he no your husband. " she shoves her mouth full with more yogurt .
"Yes , but I love him very much " I nod my head .
"What if baby no live ? My wittle sister no live when she was in my mammas tummy . " it takes me a second to let that sink in.
"Look honey Sofia the first is back on . Finish your yogurt and than .." I have to fix my breathing again before I speak . "We will play a game " she turns back to the t.v and i stand up slowly my knees wobbley and set the laptop on the coffee table next to some boxes . I quickly scurry to the near half bathroom and shut the door than fall do the ground . I was having anothe anxiety attack. My anxiety had only gotten worse throughout the past few months. I couldn't breath. My throat was closing and all my thoughts were everywhere . I can't ... I can't breath. I try to steady it,but it was impossible . Just breathe, just breathe ... Just breathe.... Everything goes dark.
The light comes back to me first . My head was throbbing and the light was not helping . I slowly get onto my knees than stand up, opening the door slowly . Every part of me was now aching .
"Aubeee ! I finished my yogurt can we play game now ? " I hear Lilly shriek.
"Yes Lilly, just let me call someone real fast okay ? " I move slowly to the end table, beside where I was sitting . I grab my phone and find his number . It rings 3 times than on the fourth he answers .
"What do you need !? " he sounds aggravated.
"I just blacked out . "
"You're okay now ... Clearly . " I hear chatter in the background .
"I gotta go I'll see you later okay ? "
"Bye . I love you " I carefully say
"Bye . " and with that, he hangs up . I throw my phone down .
"Let's color Lilly . " I said mock-cheerfully as I sit down next to her and pull a coloring book and markers from her backpack . She gets excited and starts scribbling all over a page .
"Ah very beautiful " I say tapping the page of what use to be a flower.
"I need pinkkkk " she wines .
"How do you ask that ? " I say in the parenting voice .
"Can I please have the pink? " she sweetly ask batting her eyelashes .
"Yes , you may " I put a marker in her hand and she continues to scribble .
"Silly goose " I say laughing .
| the end of the day |
Lilly was full of energry due to her afternoon nap. She was shriking and running around the living room with her pink fairy wings . I hear the door open and Jace waltzes in, right on time.
"Hey you're home ... on time " Lilly notices just that time.
" 'Aceeeeeeee " she shrieks, running towards him and clinging on his leg .
"Hey Lilly-bear " Jace bends down and picks her up .
" Be careful of her wings " I laugh.
" Of course , you can't mess up this little fairy's wings ! " he bounces her up and down, making her giggle .
" Lilly, mommys gonna be here soon why don't you go get your stuff " she frowns as Jace sets her down and gives her a gental push . She runs down the hallway, her wings pushed behind her .
'How was your day ? " i ask crossing my arms.
" I mean its school can't be very fun "
"well at least you're not stuck in the house with a screaming three year old all day " i mumble, so he can barley hear me
"what did you say ? "
"nothing , nothing " i uncross my arms and walk into the living room to sit on the black couch .He follows and sits very close to me .
' I'm sorry for earlier, are you okay ? " lily walks back into the room with her sparkly pink flats in hand with her little book bag on her back .
"It's okay " I whisper.
"Come here Lilly bear let me help you with your shoes " Jace says picking her up and putting him on her lap . She holds her foot up and he slips her shoe on .
"Is it the right foot ? " I ask
"Yes Aubrey I'm not stupid " he grumbles .
"I'm not saying you are ! "
Lilly lays down her foot and puts her other one back up .
"Whatever . " he snaps .
I stood up and walk into the kitchen grabbing my phone .
I dial the number for Pizza Hut and place an order for 2 large meat pizzas and breadsticks . I hang up and throw my phone on the counter . I than hear the someone knocking . I walk over and open it .
"Mommy !!!! " Lilly screams running to her .
"Hey honey " mrs.lewis gets on her knees and lets Lilly run into her arms .
"She's such a cutie , I hope my baby is exactly like her. " I push her pink-tails back and give her a kiss on her cheek .
"Did y'all have fun ?" She ask .
"Yes . We did " I Lower my voice . "Can I talk to you ... In private "she nods .
"Lilly why don't you go play with Jace for few more minuets " she says dismissing her .
Lilly gets a huge grin and jumps onto Jace , who was laying on the couch , making him groan . Than I get straight to the point .
"Lilly told me about ... Your baby " I look at her seeing if it caused any pain but all I saw was shock but I kept going . " when it happened did you feel it ? The emptiness . " she nods her head in a disapproving way .
"No .. Just one doctors appointment she's there the next ... Gone" the last word , barley audio able , but it still sunk into me.
She looks back up , straightening and acting as if nothing happened that calls for Lilly . Lilly runs towards her than hugs her leg again . I bend down and give her a big kiss on the cheek .
"I'll see you tomorrow okay ? We get to see my baby " she smiles and buzzes with excitement .
" oh yeah you get to come even more early tomorrow Lilly " her mom strokes the hair ontop of Lilly's head .
"Bye . " Lilly says
"Bye " Jace and I say in unison as Mrs . Lewis backs out with Lilly attached to her and me shutting the door.