I love you. I love you with every ounce of my being and every breath that I have. You have meant everything to me since the day I met you, even if I didn't know it then. The day you came into my life, was the day that I would never be the same again.
When I first met you in 8th grade, when you moved from private school to mine, I kinda hated you. I thought you were a major douche and your big eyebrows competed with mine. But the more time that we spent together talking, hanging out and playing music, the more you and your bushy eyebrows grew on me. I loved your small frame, the way you hugged me and I just melted into your arms. I felt safe in them, for whatever reason. I didn't know it then but you were the only thing, besides music, that kept me truly happy, and will forever be thankful of that. You always picked me up when I was down and pushed me to being who I was. without you there, I would have probably been dead, or in a deep depression. You were a dorky kid, but I was took. I loved that we could be us around each other.
The first time I asked you out in our freshman year, I was more nervous than I think I ever was do anything in my entire life. I know I’ve had dates before, nothing serious, but I have never been put in any situation like that before, let alone with another guy. My heart raced and I felt like I couldn't breathe, when you said yes, it was everything to me. It felt like I had a shot with you. I had a shot with one of the most perfect people I have ever met. Our dates were cheesy. Movies and dinner, walks around the park late at night. But I truly loved them. We learn so much about each other. I sexualities were very unknown. We just liked being together.
My favorite date was a simple walk in the park about ten pm. We had been walking for three hours just around in circles talking about nothing and everything at the same time. We finally got tired and sat on the swings just talking. You even pushed me for a little bit. I was taller and bigger than you, but you had some muscle on you, and I liked it.. a lot. You walked me home that night. I wanted you to kiss me, but in a way I'm glad you didn't really believe in kissing on the first date. I was too scared and probably would have fucked it up.
I remember our first kiss, though. we were in my room working on a school project together. I was going through a tough time and you started tickling me because you loved to see me smile, you always told me that I needed to so it more often. That my smile and my laugh were contagious. I rolled on the floor trying to push you off of me. when you finally stopped you just looked at me smiling, till you finally lent down and slowly slotted our lips together. I kissed back holding my hands around the back of your neck to keep you above me. As sappy as that all sounded, it was absolutely perfect and I wouldn't want to change it for anything.
That was my first kiss, with anyone. Ever since then, I always looked at you with admiration. Every time I saw you my heart raced and my palms got sweaty, no matter how good of friends we were I felt nervous around you. I always wanted to try and be perfect just for you, it's what you deserved. We laid like that for a long time. Our foreheads and noses touching, our eyes never leaving each others unless we kissed.
Neither of us ever called ourselves gay, not even bisexual. We were just… us. We would hang out at my house or yours and just kiss and mindlessly talk for hours on end about the most random things we could think of, or whatever our minds brought us too. We would lay in our beds and cuddle. There was never an awkward silence between us. It was always a comforting silence that assure us, not matter how bad things got, we would be okay. We hung out between classes, sometimes skipping just so we could make out in the janitors closet. We had our haters, but we always protected each other. The day you officially asked me to be your boyfriend, I almost cried. Hell, I was sappy and girly as hell, but I couldn't help it. It was something I have been wanting to ask you too, but I'm glad that you asked first.
We always kissed passionately. Never like we were taking advantage.You always helps my hips and ran your hands along my bare skin between my pants and shirt hem. You always kept me close, as if the next person to come by was to take me away from you.
Not only were you my first kiss, but you were my first ever. I remember my parents being gone for the weekend, visiting colleges with my brother. We were making out until you asked me if I felt ready. We had slowly built up from kissing to other things. We talked and I finally said yes. Fuck it hurt. Like really bad, but only at first, you went slow with me, and I was happy you did, then you brought me more pleasure than I knew was possible. We laid together naked on my bed with the blankets cover just up to our midsections and my nose snuggled into the crook of your neck lightly kissing you, then you whispered to me that you loved me and right then I knew I loved you too and I always would. Maybe it was the feeling you got after you just slept with someone, but neither of us cared, we just wanted each other.
Everything was always so perfect with us. We had our ups and downs and lefts and rights. We would always find a way to solve them. It was when you broke up with me, that I was completely devastated. I always thought we were happy together. Maybe I was just blind, but still, I couldn't tell you how bad I felt. I didn't know where I went wrong, everything physically and emotionally hurt. I don't know where I went wrong, Till one day, a girl moved to our school.
She was gorgeous and smart and funny. I see why you liked her so much. We stayed friends, and I tried, I really did try to ignore how much I hurt seeing you with her. My heart would clench when I saw you kiss and smile at her, I felt like being sick. I was happy that you loved her, at least I guess you did, but it hurt me. One day you and her got in a fight, I was the first person that you came too. It made me happy that you still thought of me. When you two broke up you came right back. Maybe I was just you back up plan, but I loved you so much that I didn't even care. As long as I could have you near me. As long as you would hold me close to you, or the other way around.
We were happy again. I tried to be everything for you. As we got older got even more serious. You made me feel like I was on top of the world when I was with you. My heart exploded every time that we would kiss. Every time you called me sweet, gorgeous or even beautiful, no matter how much I didn't believe it, I did because you were the one telling me. I never thought that you would lie to me. But I guess not everyone was meant to live happily ever after.
And that how I stand today. At your wedding. You stood up making a toast to everyone with your arm wrapped around that same small girl that you were with in high school. You smiled at her. I was jealous. That where I was supposed to be. I’d never lied to you when I said I loved you, I never lied when no matter what, I would always be there for you. Even at your wedding as your best man. I told you I was fine, but I guess that made me a liar too. Its hurt. It hurt so fucking much I didn't even understand how I was still breathing. I knew you were happy with her, but I
thought that you were happy with me too. I guess not.
You said your final words to each other and everyone cheered. I faked my smile and congratulated you and your new wife. You asked me all through the night if I was okay, I just kept saying yes. Everything was so bad. When you guys left for your honeymoon, I went home. When I went home, I broke, absolutely everything hurt and I didn't know what to do with myself, I don't think I’ve ever felt like this before. Not even in high school. This was marriage, you are forever with this girl. You can't just break up and here I am. I even called Rian to come over. I didn’t even have to tell him why I was crying for him to know. He knew how much you meant to me.
I said I would always protect you, be here for you, be the one to keep you safe… but not anymore, that was her job now. I still love you more than anything in the entire world, I just wish that you still felt the same way you did the first time you kissed me in my room, the first time we cuddled, the first time we slept together, our first ‘I love you’s’. I’m not sure what you truly saw in her, but just know, no matter what.. I’m always gonna be the one to catch you when you fall, and maybe one day you’ll see that again… I was always, always be here. Even If I'm just one chapter in your book.
Ummm… yeah… This was just a one-shot idea that I had. to be honest, I cried a little writing this. I'm not sure if it came off as sad as I hopped but I hope you got some feels. Please let me know what you think. I might rewrite it and add more. I literally wrote this in like 30 minutes. Thank you for reading.