MY THIRTY MINUTE ROMANCE
Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena Gemstone Lipstick's P.O.V.
Hi my name is Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena Gemstone Lipstick Malik but I totally hate that name so everyone calls me Darcy. Obviously. I am really ordinary which is why my parents named me Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena obviously coz they hate ridiculously posh names like Jane. I used to be bullied by this boy called Harry Styles but then he left my school. I am so sad that he bullied me, he used to call me ugly and I can see why because I have shining blonde hair all the way down my back, an unblemished, tanned complexion and huge purple orbs that sparkle in the sun light. People used to tease me about my orb colour but it's what makes me special. I am so so ugly. Oh yeah and I got scouted when I was 15 and am the new model for vogue. I don't know why coz I'm so ugly.
Anyways tomorrow my BFF Jessica is taking me to a concert to see this band called One Direction who she really likes. I have no idea who they are though coz I have been living under a rock for the past five years of course. I bet they're rubbish!!!
*The next day*
The next day I get up and get dressed. I wear shiwishsjsikajsbdjs.polyvorelinkALERT! and put my hair in a messy bun. Then I brush my teeth and go downstairs to have breakfast. I have porridge. My first spoonful was delicious. Then my second spoonful was a bit cold so I put the rest of the Cheerios in the bin coz I forgot I was eating porridge. I'm telling you every single little detail coz my life is so interesting.
Then I saw my friend Jessica. I am wearing my hair in a messy bun (what else) and have on my new pink wrap dress that the editor of vogue gave to me. It really sets of my purple orbs. I look so ugly next to my BFF Jessica though. OMG she looks ADORABLE in the outfit I picked out for her - A Thomas the tank engine t-shirt 7 sizes too small, some totally sexy yellow sequinned Lycra calf length trousers and to complete the look some neon blue crocs. I know if we meet the band they will think she is so beautiful next to ugly old me and all want to marry her.
*At the concert*
The concert is really bad I hate it. The singer with curly hair keeps looking at me and even though my BFF is shrieking the name "Harry Styles" beside me, I don't make the connection that he is my childhood bully. The curly haired singer's eyes connect with mine, then he looks away. Then he looks back again. By the end of the concert he is shouting "I LURVE YOU DARCY!!" because he knows my name because of the neon sign which I carry on my head. Luckily, none of the screaming fangirls manage to hit me as I have wicked karate skills. After the show curly hair comes up to me, somehow escaping his 24/7 professional body guard. OMG he is so hot! He smirks at me, his emerald orbs gazing into my odd purple orbs.
"Hey babe," he smirked in a British accent. Even though this is all happening in Britain, I need to explain that he is British because obviously most people inBritain come from Mars.
I glare at him out of my purple orbs. Why is he talking to me? It isn't like I'm pretty with my slender tanned body and glossy blonde hair.
"Here, have dis backstage pass Bby," he smirks again. He gives me a backstage pass. OMG not another one. This happens to me every time I go to a concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Go away Curly," I say angrily. Then my friend Jessica comes up. He smirks at her too. How could he not, when she's wearing her really hot sequinned Lycra cut offs!
"OHMIGOSH IT'S HARRY STYLES!" she screams. He smirks again, because smirking is the only emotion Harry Styles can show.
"Who is dat?" I wonder out loud.
"Do u want a backstage pass?" smirks Harry again.
"YES!" screams back Jessica so Harry gives me a pass and doesn't give 1 to Jessica. I don't care that she doesn't get 1, even tho she's my best friend for life! Lol!
"Follow me," smirks Harry so I follow him, even though he is a weird smirking stranger who I have never met in my life. When I get backstage I say, "OMG IT'S ONE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!" even though I had no clue who they were before this concert.
"Dis be Darcy," he says, looking at my neon sign to check that he has my name right.
"Hi I'm Niall," says Niall. "You be pretty. Would u lik a bite of my sandwich?"
"OMGGGGGG!!!!" say all the other boys coz Niall NEVER gives anyone his food.
"No thanks," I say.
"I had a vision that one day I was going to find a lovely carrot to be my carrot... Um, I mean wife. I think you may be that carrot Darcy!" says Louis. I giggle girlishly. None of these guys seem weird at all!
"Hi," says Liam. "I am the daddy of 1D, so if you have any feelings then tell me." I nod coz I don't find this at all creepy.
The last member of 1D stays quiet. Then he shouts, "What is your last name Darcy." (Without an exclamation mark!)
"Malik," I reply.
"OMGGGGG!!!! Darcy, why does your last name sound so familiar????????"
Everyone thinks really hard before Zayn says (I know his name coz I am a mind reader) , "I've got it! Darcy, you must be my long lost sister that my parents told me about!!!!"
"YAY!!!!" I squeal and hug this guy I've just met, but it doesn't matter bcoz he says he's my brother and I always trust whatever random strangers say.
"I know," smirks Harry (yes, he's back with the smirking -_-). "Why don't you come live at our house love? We all obviously live together!!!!"
"Kk," I say. My parents won't mind, even though I'm going to live with 5 random men for however long! They just want me to be happy. Oh, and just to remind everyone that I've completely ditched my BFF Jessica, even though she's the one who BOUGHT ME SUPER EXPENSIVE TICKETS to see a band I DIDNT EVEN LIKE and now I go and pay her back by GOING TO LIVE WITH HER FAVOURITE BAND EVER. And 1D completely ignored her, EVEN IN THE CHILD SIZE T SHIRT AND TACKY 80'S TROUSERS. Awwwww I am such a good friend :)
"Love," smirks Harry. "Now that we're alone I want to ask you something..." We are alone because the other band members and EVERYONE ELSE backstage has magically vanished using the pixie dust they all found in their back pockets.
"What," I breath, staring dreamily into his emerald orbs.
"I've realised that I <3 u so much in the 10 minutes we've known each other! Plz will you marry me?"he smirks.
I am really shocked at that request. I have never been kissed in my life even tho I am super hot. No one has ever said anything like this to me before. "Okay," I say offhandedly. It's not like some famous celebrity doesn't propose to me every day after all. Harry moves towards me, his tongue on my lips, begging for entrance. Even though I've never been kissed I knew exactly what to do and opened wide as our tongues battled for dominance. "Woah you r so good at dis," smirks Harry and then our mouths crash into one another again. Then he smirks, "Hey love, let's go to Nando's."
I am at Nando's now with Harry, Zayn, Niall, Liam and Louis who have magically appeared using the pixie dust mentioned earlier. We talk about everything that's ever happened in our lives, they are like brothers to me, I have known them for fifteen minutes at least!Then Harry says seriously (WUT? HOW DARE HARRY NOT BE SMIRKING?!) , "There woz dis girl I used to bully when I was little - be4 I became internationally famous..."
"That girl was me," I say overly melodramatically to my brand new fiancée.
"Oh no I am so sorry," smirks Harry. (There we go, back to smirking again!)
"Kk," I say and kiss him, all the times he's hurt me and called me names, all the open sounds completely better now. Duh.
Then the waitress comes up to take our order.
"I want everything on the menu fifty times over!" I shout obnoxiously to the Waitress.
"I want some extra carroty carrots, with carrot sauce and carrot cake for pudding," I say carrotly.
"I want the most fatherly thing on the menu please kind lady, " I say. Then I pale dramatically, catching sight of a spoon on a nearby table. "BUT DO NOT BRING ME A SPOON!"
"I want some hairspray," I say because Zayn Malik doesn't need to eat. And my quiff is falling down.
Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena Gemstone Lipstick's P.O.V.
The Waitress comes over to take our orders. She is staring a lot at Harry, the one true love of my life. Then she comes back with our order. She keeps staring at Harry. What is her problem?! Then she comes back and starts taking our plates away after we finish eating... OMG that girl is so obsessed with my man. "GO AWAY AND STAY AWAY!" I shout at her. Then she comes back again.
"Erm...Would anyone like dessert?" she says, STILL LOOKING AT HARRY. She has definitely dressed up to impress him, she's wearing like a Nando's standard uniform top, the Nando's standard uniform trousers, some black flats and her hair in a slicked back low ponytail.WHAT A SLUT!!!
"Nothing for me, thanks Love," smirks Harry. I look at him in horror. He just called a girl he just met 'Love'. That's what he's called me for the past 20 mins we've known each other! How dare he call her love? He can't call a woman he's just met, "love"! How dare he look at her?! How dare he even SPEAK to her?!
I can see our relationship falling to pieces before my weird purple orbs. I run away, going to cry in the car park. I should probably get run over at some point but I don't because I have fabulous super powers.
Then Harry comes after me. "Bby I'm sorry, it was an accident."
"No..." I sob, tears flooding down my cheeks. My face is blotchy and red, and now I can totally see why Harry fell head over heels in love with the waitress. I shove him away and he falls to the ground, his manliness deserting him. "I HATE YOU HARRY DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME YOU SON OF A -"
He hangs his head. "I'm so sorry Love," he smirks. Then he takes my hand. "But Darcy... I have something to tell you... We're pregnant!"
"What?" I say but not because I'm even slightly worried about what my parents will say or HOW THE HECK I HAVE ACTUALLY GOT PREGNANT, ALL WE HAVE DONE IS KISS?! I say it because all my worries about the nasty waitress are gone forever, because now I know that Harry truly loves me!
"Oh," he smirks YET AGAIN, "And here's the engagement ring I forgot to give you earlier." He produces a giant diamond from his equally large pockets. It is even bigger than me!!!! So realistic!!!!!!
"Yay!" I squeal excitedly. I throw my arms around him. "I love you so much Haz Man!"
"What an adorably ridiculous nickname!!!!!!!" he smirks. But I've gone quiet.
"Puffle, I have something I really want to tell you... My really name isn't Darcy as the neon sign above my head says...it's actually Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena Gemstone Lipstick!!!!!"
"Wow!" smirks Harry, "That name suits you even better Prunella Amaryllis Sweet Velvet Valentine Arrabella Candidia Penelope Jaquetta Philomena Gemstone Lipstick!" magically remembering my ENTIRE NAME! No one has ever done that in my life before! Not even my parents!
"What should we call the baby though?"I smirk,because smirks are contagious.
"I know!" we both smirk at the same time. "Let's call her Darcy!!!!!"
"Woah," Harry smirks. "How did we both think of such an original, inventive and thought out name?"
I don't bother replying and instead smash my lips to his, staring into his emerald orbs for what could be both forever or two seconds.
I love him.
Wait, you thought I was actually finished??!!! No way, if I'm sticking to clicheness this author's note is hopefully going to be longer than the entire story!!!! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope you guys enjoyed this. It's made for fun so I don't want to offend anybody. If you have written a 1D fanfic, chances are it will be nowhere near as terrible as this one, maybe with just a few of the most cliche elements thrown in. Basically, I'm just trying to make people more aware of what makes a story cliche, with the examples I'll be writing in this book, to help them change their ways. Any ideas of what genre to do next? Also, please comment your feedback :) Like and fave too, obviously only if you enjoy this :D