HARRY POTTER AND THE YEAR EVERYONE WAS REALLY REALLY SEXY
Harry Potter swaggered into the hall, his freshly styled hair blowing deliciously in the wind. The wind, which was conveniently indoors, inside the Great Hall. As he made his way to the Gryffindor table to find his friends, he noted that every girl in the hall was breathless at his goddamn hunkiness. A few of them even fainted but he was so perfect in every way that none of this fazed him.
"Hey," he said in very deep, very un-Harry like, husky tones as he sat down next to Ginny.
"Gee, we've just been waiting for you," Hermione answered, an American twang slipping into her voice. Over the summer she'd stayed with her never before mentioned American Cousin and now her teeth had shrunk, and her glossy hair was straightened and layered. "We don't have social lives without you, Harry," she continued genuinely. "Oh, and I have a new, (terrible) nickname now too. I couldn't decide between Mione or Herm, but I think Herm sounds more me!"
Then she winked in a very un-Hermione like way.
Herm turned her attention back to applying her make up, and a very tanned Ron continued flexing his rippling muscles so Harry turned to speak to Ginny.
"Hello Harry," she simpered, batting her overgrown eyelashes madly.
Over the summer, Ginny had also drastically...erm... Developed. Her low cut top brought attention to the fact she wasn't wearing a bra, and her breasts were flipping enormous. A new, bigger bra size had had to be invented just for her. Her tiny Abercrombie belt...er... SKIRT and bright red, twenty seven inch platform heels completed the look for her. Basically, she was the sluttiest slut ever to walk the earth.
If Harry was a girl in this fanfic he would have fainted twenty times already because of Ginny's extreme sluttiness, but as it was, he was a boy, and boys must always be very very macho and not faint. "Hi Ginny," he said. "Have you... Er... Bought a new outfit?"
Ginny smiled seductively. "Thanks for noticing. So Harry, I was thinking... Because I have obviously matured a lot over the holidays and am now a slutty tramp, maybe we should, like, go out or something."
But Harry didn't have time to reply because suddenly Draco Malfoy swaggered (no one walks in these fanfics. They just swagger.) into the room. His wizard robes had been traded in for casual dark jeans and a tight t shirt with a picture of some abstract, hipster muggle band that no one had ever heard of called 'One Direction' on. "Draco," Harry whispered, forgetting about Ginny, who was clinging to him like an over emotional koala. Harry realised that although they'd been sworn enemies since the first year, he'd actually been in love with Draco the entire time.
Harry and Draco locked eyes. Suddenly, without giving an explanation, Harry pounced and attacked Draco's lips. Draco realised that actually, he was in love with Harry after all, and kissed him back.
"Oh Draco!" said Harry, pausing for breath. "Oh Draco, I realised just two seconds ago that I am gay, and that I love you!"
And they continued to snog on top of a crying Ginny for the next half an hour.
Meanwhile, Dumbledore swaggered onto his sparkly pink podium to begin his speech. This was now their eighth year, the extra year the Hogwarts staff added on specifically for this fanfic to take place because what the heck, fanfics don't need to hav rools!!!! Hoo needs grammer nd a propa plot line Neeway???!!!! And Dumbledoor shudnt even bee alive noww bt whatevs, u guyz jus hav 2 go wiv da floh.
"Thou be all wonderful students you are. I, Dumbledore, talketh in a mixeth of Shakespeare and Yodath I do. Hither, today, I shalt tell thou all of a new transfer student coming from yonder, America she is. I haveth no more to say I do, except for NITWICKETH BLUBBERETH OINTMENTETH TWEAKETH!!!!!" Dumbledore vanished in a convenient puff of smoke so Mary Sue... Sorry I mean the TRANSFER STUDENT can take centre stage in our story.
Everyone in the great hall gasped in shock, unlike the readers.
"Hello y'all!" she drawled in a really low sexy husky voice that all female fanfic characters always seem to have, which makes every person in the Great Hall faint temporarily in awe of its awesomeness. "I am Samanthinia Xenia Cordeliella Marinaboo Alexandra Zoellashana Daffodillabilla Moonbeam Aphrodite Artemis Pomphrey Rainbow Babykins Riddle Malfoy Potter Weasley Granger Snape Dumbledore de Pufflington."
Everyone's mouths dropped open so far they touched the floor. Then everyone fainted. Again. When they woke up they found out she'd been sorted into .... SLYTHERIN!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait, no, sorry.
There's obviously been a mistake. The main character can NEVER go in Slytherin, unless she's really evil or something... Which the fabulous Samanthinia Xenia Cordeliella Marinaboo Alexandra Zoellashana Daffodillabilla Moonbeam Aphrodite Artemis Pomphrey Rainbow Babykins Riddle Malfoy Potter Weasley Granger Snape Dumbledore de Pufflington simply HAD to be resorted into...
"GRYFFINDOR !!" which is where all the good guys go.
Immediately, the delightful young witch pushed Herm Granger out of her seat so she herself could sit next to Harry Potter.
"Guess what Harry!" she drawled excitedly. "I am your twin sister! I don't know how I know this! How funny that is! How many exclamations I use! Tee hee!"
"That makes sense!" cried Captain Gullible... Aka Harry.
Meanwhile, Ron and Herm were fighting over her time turner like babies, despite her handing it back in in the third book. A friendly reminder from the author that THIS IS NOW THEIR EIGHTH YEAR!
Suddenly Harry, Ron, Herm and Samanthinia Xenia Cordeliella Marinaboo Alexandra Zoella Pomphrey Daffodil Moonbeam Babykins Aphrodite Artemis Rainbow Riddle Malfoy Potter Weasley Granger Snape Dumbledore de Pufflington found themselves in Hogwarts but for some reason it looked different. Two boys swaggered up to them. One was scrawny with black hair and glasses (but still somehow very very hot) and the other was the sexiest boy ever seen alive ever. The sexy one smirked at her and then rolled up his sexy sleeves so he could flex his even sexier muscles.
"Hello," said the scrawny one. "You smell like poo."
Samanthinia and co were all amazed at this boy's maturity. He was almost as mature as the sexy one was sexy!
The sexy boy paused the story suddenly (but incredibly sexily) , so he could star in the newest l'oreal advert. His sexy black hair swooshed sexily around his sexy head. "I am Sirius. That is James." he said in a sexy voice to match his sexy everything else.
Sirius swaggered sexily forwards till he was right in front of Samanthinia and took a long whiff. "James is right," Sirius said sexily. "You do smell like poo."
OMG! thought Samanthina. This boy was even more sexy than she thought!!!!!!!!!
"What's your name?" asked James.
But before Samanthinia could answer, Sirius very very sexily butted in. (Hahaha! Butt.) "Oh James my DEER, how could you not know that you are looking at Samanthinia Xenia Cordeliella Marinaboo Alexandra Zoellashana Daffodillabilla Moonbeam Aphrodite Artemis Pomphrey Rainbow Babykins Riddle Malfoy Potter Weasley Granger Snape Dumbledore de Pufflington????????!!!!!!!!!"
Sirius paused for effect, before saying sloooooowwwwwlllllllyyyyyyyy, in slloooooooowwwwwww mmmmmmooooootttttttiiiiiiiiiioooooooooonnnnnnnn, so that the sllllloooooooooowwwwwwweeeeeerrrrrrr readers would get the joke: "James, my DEER..."
"That's not punny," sulked James who looked remarkably like Harry.
Please note that the author is totally disregarding WHY sexy Sirius knew Samanthina's entire name. He's probably, like, a stalker or something. Whatever. He's a sexy stalker.
Another boy, this one with glasses, who looked almost exactly like Professor Lupin but younger and hotter (everyone in this fanfic must be hawwttt) swaggered up and said, "Don't listen to him, he's never SIRIUS!" Then he paused, and added, "However, he is always really really sexy. SIRIUSLY, this is a giant cliche!"
"I'm so confused!" screamed Harry.
Herm looked over at him reproachfully. "Try and be serious."
Harry glared at her. "I don't want to be SIRIUS! I'm Harry Potter!"
All four of our main characters were completely confused until Samanthinia Xenia Cordeliella Marinaboo Alexandra Zoella Daffodil Moonbeam Aphrodite Artemis Rainbow Riddle Malfoy Potter Weasley Granger Snape de Pufflington, who had magically taken on the personality of Hermione prior American cousin, squealed excitedly, "OHEMGEE I GET IT NOW WE'VE GONE INTO FUTURE HOGWARTS HOW SO NOT OBVIOUS TO ANY HARRY POTTER FAN READING THIS!!!!!!!! WE MUST BE KILLING THE READERS WITH ALL THIS....................................SUSPENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then they swaggered around on adventures together and there were some really simple, easy to understand ships and love triangles and stuff because Mary Sue/Samnthinia-whatever-the-rest-of-her-name-was, and sexy Sirius and Lupin were caught in a love triangle because both Lupin and Mary Sue loved sexy Sirius but Mary Sue won his heart (because she's literally perfect in literally every literal way with her totally annoying 'OHEMGEES' and really really really long ridiculous name) but then there was a plot twist and Harry and Hermione both fell in love with her too, but then Mary Sue loved Ron and Ron loved an emu called Humphrey and then Humphrey died of a broken heart because he ALSO loved Mary Sue but her heart had been stolen by Lupin who loved sexy Sirius as well, and then he decided he actually liked Hermione too.
All very simple, really.
Anyway, in order for the author to show you some more clichés, Harry and Hermione have been transported back to modern day-eighth year Hogwarts. Ron has been left because he will not tie into all the random romance clichés that would NEVER work if the characters retained their original personalities and he's died of a broken heart anyway. Humphrey the emu never returned his great love and fell in love with Samanthina instead, along with every other character.
Anyway, so Dumbledore/Shakespeare/Yoda stood at the front of the Great hall on his brand new sparkly blue to announce the new head boy and girl, which Hermione and Harry had arrived at school coincidently, conveniently just in time for him to pick.
"I greeteth you all, my students, I do. The headeth of the boyseth...is DRACO MALFOY he is!!!! The headeth of the girls... Is HERM GRANGER she is!!!"
Hermione and Draco's eyes locked. Despite the fact that Draco had been madly in lurve with Harry only a couple of hours before, now he realised that the one for him was that pompous, stuck up Granger. And despite the fact that she'd hated him since forever, Hermione now realised that the one for her was that evil, death eater Malfoy.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oh and I haveeth some more noticeseth I do," said Dumbledore, rudely interrupting the beginning of a romance scene. "Harry Pottereth is now in chargeth of teachingeth Defence against the darketh of arts he is."
Then he vanished again in a poof of sparkly smoke.
Herm turned her mind back to the predicament at hand. She had to get Draco to like her or she would die!!!!!!!!! Suddenly, her bright mind provided her with one, glistening idea... She had to transfer to Slytherin!!!!!!
*When Hermione is in Slytherin*
Hermione ran her hands through her long, dyed black, silky hair. Her skin had been painted white, and light makeup adorned her face. By light, I obviously mean 30000 coats of mascara, lime green eyeshadow all the way up her forehead, purple lipstick smeared all over her face, and the words, 'Swag', 'YOLO', 'I <3 Justin Bieber' and 'I'm a slug on stilts' written across her cheeks in eyeliner.
She was more than pretty...
She was beautiful.
Draco was sure to love her now!!!! As she made her way to the Slytherin common room so she could impress everyone with her 'Bad girl' new look, Professor Snape stopped her in her tracks.
"Hermione..." he whispered. "You look... Beautiful..."
Herm nodded her head graciously. "Thank you," she said. "You look... Greasy."
Snape ignored her comment, instead saying, "You...look like... Lily..."
Snape ignored her again. "You're... So... Clever...Like Lily.... Muggleborn like... Lily..."
"Erm.. Thanks professor but...um... Who IS this Lily?"
His lip curled at the word Potter. Hermione gasped. Snape had loved Harry's mom!!!!! (Not mum. The characters in this fanfic all must use American spellings and phrases, despite the fact that Harry Potter is BRITISH!!!!)
"You... Are... Like... Lily...Potter...Hermione..."
"Wait... You-You love me?"
At this moment, Hermione forgot all about the fact that she had transferred to Slytherin, and changed her entire look/personality for Draco Malfoy. Her mouth pressed against Snape's, and BOTH OF THEM FORGOT THAT IT IS AGAINST SCHOOL RULES FOR A TEACHER AND A STUDENT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, BUT WHAT THE HECK THEY SAY, THIS IS A FANFIC, AND FOR SOME REASON FANFIC WRITERS SHIP A MAN OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER WITH HERMIONE GRANGER. GET THIS INTO YOUR HEADS GUYS: SNAPE IS NOT A PEDOPHILE!!!!!!
Snape and Hermione of course, were both expelled by Dumbledore because that's the school rules. The all new OOC Hermione didn't care, and went back to live in America with her American cousin Mary Sue, but Snape had to live on an swamp, in exile, all by himself.
He was lonely.
He didn't want love in a romantic way anymore.
It had failed both times that he'd tried that - with Lily and Hermione.
Now he wanted the laughter of a child, someone to keep his spirits up when he felt down - which was almost always... Always. His last words to Lily. Shouldn't he do something for her in return, to cancel out the word that ended their friendship? Mudblood.
Suddenly, and with absolutely no warning, he had a completely ingenious and brilliant idea!!!!!!!!!! He would adopt her son!!!!! Take care of Harry Potter, and save him from his evil muggle aunt and uncle!!!!!
If Lily had still been alive, she would have been proud.
Snape apparated into Hogwarts at once, despite the fact that THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. Wearing his super-ninja invisibility cloak, he cartwheeled (OMDP HE DIDN'T SWAGGER) through the halls he'd once taught in. Suddenly, he saw him. The-boy-who-lived. Harry Potter. The boy who Snape-was-about-to-kidnap-so-he-could-adopt-him.
Snape somersaulted silently, stealthily, so Snape stood slightly sbehind sHarry.
"Harry," she swhispered. "Pssst! Harry..."
The boy who-had-cat's-eyes-like-Lily turned around to look for the invisible owner of the voice. Promptly, Severus punched the boy-who-now-had-a-very-squashed-nose in the face.
There, Snape thought, that will get him back for being his father's son! Now to adopt him!
Without asking the boy-who-was-now-very-much-knocked-out's permission, Severus magically apparated both of them away to his swamp where the boy who-came-to-very-angrily-indeed was greeted by his new adopted father.
And they all lived happily ever after and although Snape never forgot his relationships with Lily and Hermione, he found life was much happier now he had a son, who also doubled as the perfect target to practise unforgivable curses on, and Harry never had to see the Dursleys again. (Because he was dead, after Snape tried Avadacadabra on him).
Meanwhile, Hermione and Draco got married, and Hermione wrote 300 thousand best selling books on hair straightening, Ginny the slut became Ginny the prostitute, Sirius stayed forever sexy, Samanthinia continued to inspire the world with her wit, beauty and general fabulousness, and Dumbledore became the high supreme lord of sparkles.
Hi! Sorry that that took so long to write, but I had to research Harry Potter fanfictions first, and then try and include as many clichés as possible. I'm very sorry if this causes offence of any sort, and will change anything that a number of people find too offensive etc.
Disclaimer that this does not mean that I think all Harry Potter fanfictions are anything like this! Some of the best fanfictions I've read include at least one of these clichés, but this is an example of the main clichés Harry potter fanfics include, and what not to write about if you want your Fanfiction to be more original. I've also obviously exaggerated the extremeness of a lot of these clichés.
I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS, HOWEVER MUCH I WISH I DID.
Please comment your ideas for more clichés and what you think of this one!!
COAUTHOR COMPETITION -
I'm thinking of holding a coauthor competition. Anyone interested? If so, please do comment!!!
STUFF I REFERENCED IN THIS THAT YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND:
A SHIP is a support or endorsement of a couple that is not canon in the work(s) which they appear.
CANON is just another word for original or official.
OOC means out of character
OMDP means Oh My Dark Pizza. It's like a substitute for OMG. Please go to the movella 'Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake' for a further explanation. It's a brilliant movella, written by some amazing authors, and I'd definitely recommend it to any fan of the Harry Potter series. ;)