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My hands shook uncontrollably as the car pulled up front the church. My mom, the most amazing woman on this planet was...gone. I hadn't done much other than cry and cut, feel worthless. Aunt Sarah was there for me, but she was depressed herself. She lost her sister, who was her best friend. But I think I was the one hurting the most. The way the machines turned off and she went, I can't get the image out of my head. It just keeps making me cry, and I can't stop. Maybe I don't want to stop. Cause I know my life is full on shit. Ryan has really tried to be there for me, but I keep pushing him away. I just can't face anyone right now. I need space. Most of all, I need my mom.
''Lisa,''a male voice spoke behind me as I walked towards the church, tears invading my eyes. I turned around and faced a very handsomly dressed Ryan.
''Are you okay?''He asked, approaching me.
I simply shook my head, as the tears kept falling.
He hugged me tightly and whispered into my ear: ''It's going to be okay.''
But the truth was, it wasn't, was it? How can I keep on living, with such a pain inside? I just can't even think about a life without her.
My whole body was shaking as I stepped up the platform where I was going to give my speech. I tried to make the tears from falling, but failed misarbly.
I looked out to the group of friends and family mom had had. There was a lot of people and every one of them looked sad. But just sad. Not like me. Not broken.
''I know all of you probably expected a fancy speech with known author poems,''I started, finding Ryan with my eyes. He was sitting in the middle, his face looking pale and sad. Most of all, I could see that he felt sorry for me. That he wanted to do something for me. But I don't think it could help this time.
I just wanted to make her feel better, somehow. Make her feel like it's going to be okay. But I could see the pain and brokeness in her eyes, and it hurt me. It cut me like a fucking knife. God, I love her. I don't want her to be sad.
''But I just decided to speak from my heart.''She spoke, her eyes gazing into mine every once in a while. I took a deep breath in, and I don't know if I can see her like this any longer.
''My mom was amazing, in fact I can't even put it into words how much she meant to me.''She talked, tears falling from her perfect eyes.
''And I'm sad I couldn't have more time with her,''She sobbed, making my heart break in a second. God, I just couldn't see her like this. I feared I would cry myself.
''She was always happy, even when she was going through so much. She still cared about my pointless worries, that were none compared to hers. She still had time to listen to them and give me advice, though I knew she had much bigger worries of her own. But she never complained, not once. She was always there for me, and -''She spoke, tears breaking the sentance.
''And I'm sad I couldn't be there for her when she needed me. I couldn't help her like she had always helped me, s-she slipped out of my hands..''She cried, looking out to the people and looking straight into her eyes. I could honestly feel the pain in them.
''I just want you all to know I loved her more than I could ever explain in words, and we all knew how amazing my mom was.''She ended her speech and walked back to her seat, dead silence filling the dull church.
As we made our way home, I couldn't even think straight. Was this ever going to go away? The pain?
I went upstairs, my head already aching from all the crying I had been doing. I went to the bathroom and faced the red-faced person looking back to me. It wasn't me. It wasn't the Lisa I know. My eyes found the blade on the counter and without even hesitating I grabbed it. One cut wont hurt, will it?
Sorry for a sad chapter :( Hope you enjoyed still!