I disappeared. I just faded away and I didn't even notice that my belly grew. A few nights a week, I was raped by my husband, sometimes he let me be. I realized that I was of no importance and I realized it didn't matter if I said anything or not.
"She looks weak?" I heard Johannah ask Louis. I heard his answer.
Finally came mom home to us. I saw in her eyes that she understood that I was injured, I was beaten and she tried to put a good face when Louis was in the room. As soon as he walked away she came up to me.
"You don't feel good?"
I gulped and looked at her empty. What would I say? Mom sat down next to me and took my hands.
"I haven't found Niall yet." she whispered. "Do you know where he might be?"
No, honestly, there were many countries that Louis could send him to. If I guessed right, he was in Australia. It was far away.
"He was born in Ireland." I whispered. "His family lives there."
Mom nodded instantly.
"Where in Ireland?"
I didn't know. Niall had never mentioned a city or a village. He had just told Ireland to me.
Louis began to become more social. He took home important guests and he took me to big parties. Anything to show off that I was pregnant. Everyone thought that Louis was the father to the child and everyone wanted to congratulate us. I smiled, I said nice things and I did everything that Louis demanded from me.
"You can't stay here!" Liam whispered to me one day. "You are about to disappear."
I gulped and agreed. I looked into Liam's eyes and I suffered.
"What shall I do?"
He had no answer.
"You can't stay. Louis will kill you and one day you're as cold as his mother."
I knew Liam was right. I no longer recognized myself, but I had nothing that kept me going. The only person that I loved had Louis taken away from me, and there was only memory left.
"I'll find Niall!" Liam continued to whisper to me. "I'll find him before Louis totally destroy you."
I shook my head and looked down at the ground.
"Mom has been trying to find Niall, but she hasn't succeeded. Why would you ....?"
Liam interrupted me and he smiled weakly.
"Emma, I know who his parents are and I know what family he has."
"But he's gone?"
Liam shook his head and I saw that hope awakened in him.
"Give me a week or two and I will find him."
I didn't want to believe his words. I didn't dare to hope.
"Okay ..." I whispered also that I didn't believe him.
I sat like a zombie on the chair and I saw that everyone was talking. We were at a party at Louis parents and I hardly knew any of the guests. I looked down at the food and discovered that there was food left. I had been sitting and just been. There was nothing to talk to the others about. I had nothing to pass on and I had no opinions.
"Eat some food!" Louis whispered and leaned toward me. "You can't just sit there staring at everyone."
I nodded weakly and lifted the fork. I put the meat in my mouth, but I felt no taste anymore. Louis looked at me and then he looked at Johannah. She looked worried and she let me not go with her eyes. Maybe she had poisoned the food? It had been a relief to die. I wasn't afraid of death and I knew I would still reach the end one day.
"Come on!" hissed Louis. "Can't you smile and say something nice?"
I looked at him and I saw that he was unsure what I would do. I smiled, I looked at him and smiled.
I don't know where my life was heading. I watched the stars sparkle and I saw the dark forest outside the car. Everything was so black and the night was so quiet. I leaned back in the seat and swallowed. The evening had been like any other. I knew important people began to wonder why I was so cold, but Louis blamed that I was pregnant.
"A pregnant women behave a little odd."
They had bought the lie.
Louis house was like my prison. I felt no longer that the rooms were large and I hated every corner there was. I hated our bedroom and I even hated the farm. Everything was so fake and I didn't like the idea that he wanted a nice façade to the world.
Louis seemed so tire of me. When the car stopped outside the door, he smiled at me.
"I'm just going into town." he whispered and kissed me on the cheek. "Go to bed, so I'll be there when you wake up."
I knew he was going to the other gays and I knew he started to miss the old life. I said nothing to him and I jumped out of the car. It drove off and left, I stood. I looked up at the sky and saw the stars winked. I wished I had seen a shooting star. Then I had wished that Niall would come and rescue me.
The voice came from the darkness and I peered cautiously toward the trees. Right as it was popped Liam up and he hurried up to me.
"Go up and get some clothes."
He smiled big.
"Run up and put on warm clothes. Pack a bag but hurry."
Liam stood near me and he leaned toward me.
"Niall, is it a good reason?"
I just stood and stared at him. Liam knew that I didn't understand anything.
"I know where he is!" he whispered quickly. "But you have to wrap up warm and take with you what you need to have with you."
I didn't know if I should trust him or not. Liam laughed quietly and hugged me lightly.
"Come down to the beach then." he whispered in my ear and let me go. Then he ran away and left me alone.