For a few days I lived in a fog. I couldn't even meet Louis and I avoided them both. Harry and Louis didn't seem to care and they often sat and held each other in the back of the house. I felt like the third wheel, and I was a missing function. I just lived and that was all.
"You don't need to hold the reins so loose."
I saw at Niall that he really tried to teach me something. He sat on another horse and we rode around in the fields and forests. Louis got so much land that we could ride forever without reaching the end.
"I know." I mumbled and tried to obey him. Niall suddenly rode up to me, grabbed my reins and got my horse to stop.
"Ma'am, what is it?"
I looked down at my hands and felt all the emotions overflowed. I started to cry and I felt my whole body shook. Niall jumped off his horse and made sure I did the same. Then he took me in his arms and he hugged me so softly. I took my arms around him and was grateful that he cared.
"What happened?" Niall whispered tenderly in my ear. I sobbed and I didn't utter a word. He didn't released me and we stood there for a long time and just held each other. Eventually I had to released him and I wiped my eyes.
"It just feels hopeless, all this with Louis and Harry."
Niall understood me. I saw at him that he knew what my life was lie and he smiled weakly.
"What did you expect, you knew about this before you got married?"
I nodded and tried to collect myself.
"I know, but now when I'm here, I realize that I had no clue about anything. I love him and he will never get to now about that. I love him so much and I'm so angry that Harry gets Louis's heart. and what will I receive? His name and a lot of money, that I do not want?"
Niall laughed a little bit. He looked down at the ground and smiled big.
"Ma'am, I have to be honest. I had been happy if I could married a rich girl just for money's sake."
I was startled and looked at him.
"What do you mean?"
He hummed a little.
"Interpreting me right!" he whispered and looked at me. "I have no money. My family's poor and I haven't received it as I indicate. You've always had money and you have beautiful clothes., You have shoes that you can wear, for years to come. I own only the shoes I have on me."
I watched him closely.
"You mean I'm spoiled?"
Niall shook directly on the head.
"I'm just saying you should be grateful you aren't standing on the street without a single money in your pocket. Anyway you have a big house, animals, shelter and you have everything you need., You should be happy about it all."
I didn't understand what he was talking about.
"But love?" I got out. "I had replaced all the money that I own just to get love. Can't you see that money just destroy?"
Niall looked at me and he seemed to ponder. I liked that he was honest with me and he said what he thought, but he didn't understand what I meant.
"I've never owned anything of value!" he said. "I haven't received anyone I love and I only have my parents' love around me. For me it's enough. They love me no matter what happens and it's greater than the love you talking about."
The tears came again and I looked into his eyes.
"Niall, not even my parents love me. They are proud that a rich guy could take care of me but they have never loved me. Not even my own husband loves me. Did you mean that I then should be grateful that I can buy things?""
He stopped and there was silence for a few seconds. Niall looked into my eyes and I saw compassion. He had beautiful eyes and I loved his face. He was a kind person and he had a heart that was enough for all.
"I don't know what to answer." came out from Nialls mouth. "I don't know how it is to live as you live, but I think you should try to take care of what you have. You can never get it all."
Niall was my only friend. He was the only one who was honest with me and I trusted him. Slowly, he taught me to ride and he was so patient. He seemed to understand that it could go wrong, but when I did the right thing, he was happy for me. Niall became a teacher as well, because he tried to teach me how everything worked. He took me with him and showed me the tractors, cows, pigs and everything else. He even showed how to take down trees in the forest.
"You like Niall?" Louis said one day. He smiled at me and I realized that it wasn't meant as anything negative. I nodded.
"Yes, he's kind and he's teach me things."
Louis seemed to like that I had found a friend.
"You get to have him as a lover if you want."
I almost choke on.
Louis laughed a little bit and took his arm around my shoulders.
"Yes, you also need someone to love and why not him?"
I quickly shook my head and took me away from him.
"No Louis. I'm not like you and I'm faithful."
He laughed and were amused.
"Then you'll never have sex with a guy again. You will die alone!"
I just stared at him. I realized he was serious and I knew why. Louis would never kiss me again or hug me. I only lived in his house and I meant nothing to him.
"Why are you so mean?" I got out of me. Louis snorted and looked at me.
"You know how it's structured? I have Harry and right now you have none. Receive a free hand to shape your own life and if you want Niall, I wont stand in the way."
I looked across the yard and I saw Niall middle of the lawn. He stood bare-chested and removed the weeds from the flowers. I have to admit that he had a great body and he was actually perfect in every way, but he was still just my friend.
Louis poured some whiskey into a glass and wrapped it quickly.
"That's a pity! You will need someone to care on and he would be perfect for you."
I let my eyes drift back to Louis.
"So that's what you meant by that I get my freedom?"
Louis looked at me and nodded.
"You don't need to think about me, and I don't care if you find a lover or even two. You are here because you get people to think I'm like everyone else and you are here so that no one guessed that I'm gay. That's all you do and in the meantime, you can entertain yourself with lovers, and what you ever you want to do."
Louis and even pointed out all the single men that were on the farm. All so that I would understand that there was a better choice than Louis.
"Liam's strong and I know he has a big thing between his legs."
I became angry.
Louis laughed and looked over at Liam's naked torso.
"He's sexy and I can imagine that he's a beast in bed."
I wanted to go away from there, but Louis didn't give up.
"And Zayn!" he said and pointed to a dark-haired guy. "He's not from this country and he's exotic."
I tore myself from Louis's hands and looked at him coldly.
"You treat them like animals? They are people, they are guys with feelings and with limits. I can't just ..."
Louis was grinning.
"Yes, you can! With money you can buy everything. I promise to pay for their silence."
I was so angry that I cooked.
"Louis you understand nothing, it's not about sex or that kind of closeness. I'm looking for love and you can't buy love with money."
I was even empty throughout the body. Louis treated me like a possession and I was back where I started. My confidence dropped and I realized that my life had no meaning. I had few moments that made me smile. I loved to ride and I loved all the animals. I thought it was fun to talk to everyone on the farm and I liked to see nature around me changing. There was much that was so good, but I missed Louis's body and his love.