I must admit that the first few days were filled with various activities. I was in the barn and helped them with the horses. I learned how things worked in the house and I met some of the most important employees in the yard. It was exciting with all the new things around me and I almost forgot that I was married to Louis. It wasn't until Friday that I got a sense of how it would be. Louis came down the stairs and he was dressed up. He had the jacket, fly and looked like an edited gentleman.
"Harry and I are going out tonight." he said and smiled at me. I swallowed and saw Harry show up. He was also dressed up and I hated that feeling that popped up.
"But you don't show openly that you are gay?" I got out of me. Louis came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"We're going to a closed group that meets occasionally. There are other gays there. We'll just partying a bit and hang out."
"As a club?"
Harry grinned and nodded, amused.
"You could say that it's a club for us who are gay."
I gave him a dirty look and saw how he stood beside Louis. Right in front of my eyes, kissed Harry my husband and I saw it was a tongue kiss. Louis giggled and ended the kiss.
"Are you ready baby?"
Harry nodded and took his hand.
"I'm always ready for you, darling."
I saw them walking towards the front door and I was boiling with anger. I was so angry with Harry that I could kill him. Why were they forced to kissing right in front of me? I was Louis wife and I was the one that he should spend time. Harry was just a crap and a parasite.
I stood a long time outside the house and saw the car go off through the woods. I felt betrayed, even though I shouldn't have those feelings. I felt like everything was my fault. Why wasn't I good enough? Was it my hair or perhaps my way of being? What was it that Harry had, but that I was missing?
"They're often away at parties."
I was startled and spun around. I saw a blond guy who was looking at me. I had seen him before and knew he was in charge of the horses and sometimes the farm.
He nodded and pushed his hands into his pockets. He smiled weakly and came towards me.
"Everyone knows how it is. You are his wife, but Louis loves Harry."
I became quiet. I just stared at him and noticed he had lovely blue eyes. Who was he who dared to talk to me? Everyone else seemed barely look in my direction, and many employees avoided me.
"You didn't get the life you wanted." he continued, looking down at my clothes. "You got it all, but not him?"
I became angry.
"How dare you say that to me?"
He became serious and seemed almost embarrassed.
"I just wanted to mention that we know, I understand you're disappointed and I'm sorry."
I sighed lightly and hated the thought that everyone knew. So were all aware that I was a fake? That I wasn't worth more than a name on a piece of paper?
The guy looked up at me again.
"I take care of the horses most of the day. If you want I can teach you to ride, and then you get something else to think about?"
I knew my place. I was the leader and this guy shouldn't make suggestions. Still, I wasn't mad at him. I looked at him that he wished me well and he cared.
"Thank you!" I whispered. "Who are you? What's your name?"
He smiled weakly and looked at me again.
I watched him carefully.
"Okay, Niall. I agree that you learn me to ride. So when should I be in the stable?"
Niall's face lit up and he came closer to me.
"When you want to, but not after five o'clock. Then, I'll help the others with the lawn and stuff."
I nodded and then looked toward the house. So I had a job to do, in addition to planning how I would get off Harry? Actually, I was a little happier and I felt I had control over my own life.
In the middle of the night I awoke up to the sounds from Louis and Harry came home. I heard them laugh and they came up the stairs. I heard they went past my door and then away to their bedroom. I swallowed and again came the hate back. Why couldn't Louis treat me the same way? He could instead take me to parties and show me his life? I went out of bed and over to the door. I heard they closed the door to their bedroom. I swallowed and opened my own door. The house was deserted, but I heard their laughter echoing through the corridor. Cautiously I slipped away to their door and I saw that it was closed. I peered cautiously inside and saw how Louis kissed Harry. I saw that they took their clothes off and landed in the bed. I heard them moaning and how they spun around in each other's arms. I was disgusted! That couldn't be true love?
"Louis please take me!" moaned Harry. I was flabbergasted. Could guys have sex? I must admit that I wanted to leave them alone and go away from the door. Still, I was curious to leave the door. I saw how Louis parted Harry's legs. He took something over his member and then I saw how the guys had sex. I was about to scream, but took my hand over my mouth. I backed away and swallowed. How could Louis love to have sex with Harry? That didn't appear genuine? Harry missed the hole like normal guys penetrated. Didn't Louis wanted my hole? I don't know what I thought about it all and I heard how they began to groan higher. I heard their bodies move and I realized that they satisfied each other. I heard Louis pressed himself against Harry and in front of me I saw my own wedding night. What was the difference between me and Harry? I had that extra hole that Louis should love, but why did he want a guy? What was it about my body that wasn't good enough? I knew I didn't have big boobs and I was skinny. Maybe I should get fatter or maybe I would put money to get bigger breasts. Yet I couldn't draw any conclusion. Harry had no breasts and Louis still loved him.
I woke up out from my mind when Louis moaned and came. I heard him groan and I heard how he emptied himself of fluid. I just wanted to cry. It was me he would love and it was me he would kiss and hug.
I crept back to my room and I started to cry. Slowly I realized what everyone was talking about. I could never replace Harry and I could never get Louis to love me. I realized that my life really would be empty and without love. I would die as a lonely woman and no one would ever love me. My father had been right. I was a worthless girl and maybe that was why he had given me to Louis. No one else wanted me and this was the only solution. Dad got rid of me and Louis, he got a beard. I emptied my whole body in tears that night and when the sun began to go up, I fell asleep.