I sit on the floor and cry. As I cry, I can hear the boys still yelling at each other which just makes me cry more. I pull out my phone and put my ear buds in. I unlock my phone and press on my music playlists. I press on my "Depressing songs" playlist and press shuffle. The song "Cut" by plumb comes on and I fall silent.
As it plays through, I can't help but think about the past. I look down at my wrist and look at all of the scars and past cuts. I remember how much pain I was in. Then, I remember that one night.
It's like I go into the past and I am in the position I was a year ago.
*1 year ago*
I'm sitting on my bed and my face is covered in tears. Tonight....tonight was the worst night of my life. When I got to Connor's house, he was already unhappy. I tried saying hi but he just ignored me and didn't listen. I was careful and I just decided to sit on the couch next to him. I see him look at me and he says "What are you doing?"
I look at him and I see he has a beer in hand and a couple empty bottles to the side. I see two bottles smashed and broken with sharp edges which means he probably got mad and broke them against the wall. I silently panic inside and say quietly "I was just going to watch tv with you. I-"
Connor cuts me off and says "No. You're not allowed to. Go up to my room."
I slightly nod and get up off of the couch. As I'm about to walk out of the living room, Connor says "Oh yeah. And take these."
As I turn around to look at him, I'm too late as I see flying bottles coming at me. One bottle hits me in the shin but I'm too distracted by one of the broken bottles coming at me and stabbing me across the arm. The other broken bottle also comes at me but I'm not so lucky as one of the sharp edges scrape my head. I cry out in pain and I get tears in my eyes.
I hear Conor suddenly laugh and he says "Oh don't be a wimp Molly. You're fine. Pick those up and get me two more beers."
I let the tears fall and I pick up the bottles anyway hoping not to get him mad. I throw away the bottles and get him two more. I walk around in front of him and set them on a table by him. I turn around and as I walk in front of him again, Connor harshly slaps me on the butt and says "Thanks babe."
I slightly nod my head and I run to his room. I shut the door and I walk to his bathroom. As I look in the reflection, I see a broken girl. I see bags under her eyes, face is pale, shoulders are slumped, and hair is a mess. I look at the cut on my forehead and it's bleeding. I then turn slightly and look at the cut across my arm. Blood drips down my arm and to my finger tips. I grab a Kleenex and get it wet. I wipe it up my arm and get the blood off. I gently dab both cuts and clean the blood off. Once that is done, I grab two band aids and cover the cuts.
Once I'm done, I throw away the wrappers and Kleenex and go back into Connor's room. I sit on his bed and silently cry. Tears stream down my face but I suddenly jump as I hear Connor yell "Damn it!"
I wait a couple of seconds and I hear him yell again and say "Molly, get down here!" I jump slightly and I get off the bed. I walk down stairs and I see Connor resting agains a wall and he's looking at his foot. He hears me walking and he says "Molly, look what you've done!"
I look at him and say "What have I done?"
Connor looks at me with anger in his eyes and he says "You didn't pick up the glass! I was on my way to piss and I stepped on a piece of glass that you didn't pick up!"
I say "I didn't know there was glass! Looks like you shouldn't have gotten mad and broke the bottles that you oh yeah, threw at me and cut me! This glass is all because you can't handle your anger and you over react so you decided to throw bottles at the wall and break them and now you have glass on your carpet and you have glass in your foot! So don't blame me for the that! It's all on you Connor! "
I look in Connor's eyes and see he is furious. He takes the piece of glass out and quickly walks over to me. He roughly grabs a hand full of hair and tugs at it. I cry out in pain and he makes me look up at him. He says "You bitch! You do not talk like that to me you worthless piece of shit! If I say something is your fault, then it's your damn fault! You better not make me dump your ass cause im the only guy that will take care of a slut like you! No other guy will ever want you! You are too much of a skank, a slut, a bitch, and you are just worthless. No one will ever love you!" Connor lets go my hair but then slaps me across the face.
I fall to the floor and cry. Connor bends down and grabs my hair. He pulls me up but I don't fully stand up. He harshly kicks me in my side and I cry out in pain. He yells "Get up you bitch!"
As tears stream down my face, I stand up. Connor lets go of my hair and he harshly pushes me towards the stairs. As I keep crying, I say "Wh-what are you doing?"
He pushes me up the stairs and he says "I have to teach you a lesson."
I fall to the stairs and cry. I say "No. Please no."
Connor kicks me hard in the stomach and says "Bitch, get up!"
He harshly grabs my hair and pulls me up. I cry out in pain and tears stream down my face. Connor pushes me up the stairs and once we get to his room, he pushes me onto his bed. I fall flat on my back and he immediately gets on top of me. He leans down towards my neck and bites harshly right away. I feel his hands go down to my pants button and he starts fiddling with it.
I gulp and ask with a shaky voice "Wh-what are you going to do to me?"
Connor looks at me and says "Looks like tonight is the night where you lose it Molly."
I widen my eyes and say "Please no Connor. Pl-." I get cut off as Connor pushes his hand onto my mouth. He looks at me with anger in his eyes and says "Shut up! This wouldn't have happened if you weren't being a bitch!"
I feel Connor unbutton my pants and he gets off of me. He pulls my pants and underwear off and then he yells "Get up!"
I sit up and look at him. He puts his hands at the hem of my shirt and he yanks that and my bra off and throws them to the floor.
As tears steam down my face, Connor looks at me and suddenly, my cheek burns. Connor slapped me and he says "Stop crying you bitch. You deserve everything you've gotten from me. And oh yeah, if you tell anyone, I will find out and I will kill you. Now,". He pauses and takes a step back from me. He unbuttons his pants and he pulls them down. He yanks off his tshirt and throws it to the floor. Next, he yanks his boxers down and then takes a step closer to me.
I look up at Connor and he smiles evilly at me. He says "Suck me."
Before I can protest, Connor shoves his length into my mouth. He doesn't give me time to adjust and I gag a little. He holds the back of my neck and he pushes him farther into my mouth. I gag more but he doesn't give me time to readjust. I hear him moan but as he keeps going, tears fall down my face. He finally pulls out of my mouth and he pushes me backwards. He sternly says "Stay there!"
I slightly nod my head in fear and lay on the bed. When Connor' comes back, I see rope in his hand and I get scared. When Connor gets to me, he roughly takes my hands and pulls me up to the headboard. He raps the rope tightly around my wrists and ties me to the headboard so I can't stop him.
After he's done, he climbs on to the bed and sits on me. Without warning, he enters me harshly and I cry out in pain. I cry out in more pain as he thrusts more and more. Soon, I hear Connor moan and he cums inside of me. He pulls out and gets up and off the bed. He grabs a knife and cuts my hands free.
I bring my hands to my chest and curl into a ball. As I cry, Connor gets dressed and gathers my clothes. I feel him throw my clothes at me and he says "You have 5 minutes to get out or I'll throw you out."
He leaves the room and shuts the door. When he leaves, I shakily get off the bed. As I stand up, more tears stream down my face. I get all of my clothes on and get my things. When I walk down stairs. I see Connor watching tv again.
As I'm about to leave, I hear Connor walk behind me. I turn around to see him looking at me. He asks harshly "Where are you going?"
Scared of his reaction, I quietly say "I'm going home."
Connor walks more towards me and I back away cowardly. He says "Who said you're able to go home?"
I start getting mad and my voice rises. I say "You did. After you were done raping me, you said I have five minutes to get out before you throw me out! And oh excuse me, I'm sorry for taking that as you wanted me out!"
Connor gets mad as I raise my voice and he slaps me across the face. I grab my face and look back at him. I say "Really? You want to hurt me more right after you just fucking raped me?! I am tired of you abusing and doing this to me! You better fucking stop or I will call the police and tell what you have done to me. I am done with y-"
Suddenly, Connor gets furious and pushes me hard and I slam into the wall. I hit my head hard and I fall to the floor. As I try getting focused again, I feel a bang of pain in my stomach.
Continually, Connor kicks me in the stomach more and more. I cry out in pain as Connor kicks me the hardest one last time. Tears flood my face and I cry in pain while lying on the floor.
Connor throws my stuff at me and says "Get out bitch. I'll see you soon."
I slowly get up and I cry a little. I grab my things and go out the door. Since I walked here, I have to walk back home in the pouring rain.
Once I get home, I am so much pain that all I do is change out of my wet ones and into new ones. I fall straight onto my bed and get under the blankets. Tonight was a night where all I did was cry myself to sleep.
*end of flashback*
As I went back to that night, I didn't even notice I got up and laid in my bed under the covers. I notice tears dripping down my face and my body is shaking badly. I pull the covers over my head and try to hide in darkness when suddenly, I hear a knock on my door.
Thinking it's one of the boys, I say "Go away." Suddenly, the door opens and I hear the voice say "It's only me Molly."
I notice it's Becky and I uncover my eyes so I can look at her. She closes the door and walks to sit on the blow up mattress. I uncover my face more and she notices that I've been crying.
Suddenly, my hair that hides my scar, falls and Becky notices. She looks at me seriously and says "Molly, why haven't I seen that scar before?"
I quickly sit up and fix my hair so she can't see it and say "What scar? There's no scar."
Becky gets up and comes by me. She moves my hair and says "Don't play dumb." She points to the scar and says "That scar. What happened?"
I'm hesitant about answering then I say "I uhh..I fell. Yeah I fell."
Becky gives me a look and I avoid her eye contact. She crosses her arms and says "Mhmm. And what did you fall on?"
I think about an answer then I say "I hit my head on a table."
"But you said you fell." Becky interrogates me more.
I say "Well I meant I hit it. I-."
Becky cuts me off and says "Oh stop it already Molly. I know you're lying to me. Just please be honest. You know you can tell me the truth."
I sigh and look at my fingers. I look back up at her and say "Fine. I didn't fall and hit my head."
Becky looks at me and smiles a little bit. She says "No." with a sarcastic tone.
I look down and say "It....it was from...a year ago."
I look up at Becky and she's staring at me confused. She asks "What was a year ago?"
I give her a look silently saying "think about it." and by her face I can tell that she got it. She looks at me sadly and says "Was...was that from.....Connor?"
I slowly nod my head and I look down. I hear Becky sigh and she says "Wha-what happened?"
I sigh and say "I haven't told anyone so you c-."
Becky cuts me off and says "What? This happened a year ago and you haven't told anyone? Why not?"
I sigh and say "Because I couldn't and I was scared. I didn't want something to happen."
Becky sighs and she puts her hand on my leg. I look up at her and she's giving me a sympathetic look. Becky sighs and says "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I sigh and shrug my shoulders and look down. I hear Becky sigh and she says "Molly please tell me." I sigh and look back up at her. I say "Well one night, I went over to Connor's house. When I got there, he was watching something on tv and he was drinking beer. Right away I got scared and I was careful. Well then, I sat on a couch and he turned to look at me. He said I couldn't watch tv with him and I had to go in his room. I did what he said but before I got to the stairs, Connor decided that I should his empty beer bottles, two of them being broken, so he threw them at me. When I turned around, one of the broken bottles was coming its way toward and it cut me on the shoulder." I pause and take off the cardigan I'm wearing and show her the scar on my arm.
Becky gasps and covers her mouth at how deep and jagged it is. I cover it back up and continue. I say "When I looked at the cut, it was bleeding a lot but then when I looked back at Connor, the second bottle was already coming at me. This time, the bottle hit me in the forehead and that's what the scar is."
I look at Becky and I see she has tears in her eyes. She takes a breath and says "Oh Molly, I am so sorry. You left after that right?"
I look down and fiddle my fingers. I quietly say "Not exactly."
I hear Becky say "What do you mean not exactly? Why didn't you leave?"
I look up at her and say "I couldn't. When I threw the bottles away, I went to the bathroom to clean off the cuts. When I finished, I came out of the bathroom and I heard Connor shout at me. I went back down stairs to see he had glass in his foot. I asked what happened and he said it was my fault that there was glass in his foot. I got mad and I went off on him and said he couldn't blame me for the glass in his foot. I told him off but while I was speaking, he slapped me and I fell to the floor. I started crying and he yelled at me for talking to him like that then he grabbed my hair and pulled me up. Next thing I know is he's....."
I trail off and look down. Becky put her hands on my legs and shakes them a little. She makes me look up at her and she asks "What? Next thing you know is what?"
I sigh and tears fall down my face. I quietly say "He raped me..."
Becky gets a surprised look on her face and she covers her mouth with her hands. She shakes her head and tears start gently falling down her face. She quickly gets off the bed and runs out of the room.
I yell her name but she continually runs. I get the covers off of me and chase her. As I walk down the hall, I hear the boys, Abby, and Emily all talking to her. I hear Harry say "Becky, what happened? Take a breath and tell us what Molly said."
Becky is continually crying but finally she takes a breath and screams "Connor fucking raped her, that's what happened!" Becky looks at me and points.
All of them look at me and I see Liam's face, it looks heartbroken. Abby says "Molly, is that....true?"
I look down at the floor and slightly nod my head. I hear Abby sigh sadly and she says "Why didn't you tell us?"
I look up at them and say "I couldn't. After he was finished, he got up and left the room and I changed. When I was done, I went downstairs and he asked where I was going and i told him off then he slapped me again and I told him off and said how I was tired of him abusing me and then he pushed and threw me against the wall. I fell to the floor and as I laid there, he started yelling at and he kicked me in the stomach a couple times and that's how that bruising got there when mom saw it."
Emily looks at me and says "But why didn't you tell us sooner?"
I sigh and say "Because Connor said that if he finds out I told anyone, he said he'd kill me." I see the boys all look worriedly at each other.
Becky says "Well he's not going to find out because he's not here."
I look nervously at Abby and Emily and they look back at me. I say "Actually.....he is."
"So you first knew Connor was back when he showed up at the mall?" Becky looks up at me and asks.
I nod my head as I stand against the couch arm while the boys and girls are sitting.
Becky continues talking and says "And then he showed up downtown while you guys were walking?"
I nod my head and say "Yep. And that was the day we found out Justin was with him too."
Liam cuts in and says "And, it was the day where I beat his ass pretty hard."
I look at Becky and she smiles at Liam. She looks at me and says "You got a pretty good one here Molly. If you mess it up, I will not be happy with you."
I look at Liam and he gives me a slight smile. I turn away from him and look away. I sigh and say "Well if you'll excuse me, in going back in my room." I turn around and walk straight to my room and shut the door.