6. Emma Bolt - The Energist - by Raven711
Hi!!! It's your fan-person!!!
I like how you start your story. It's different, she's not in the middle of school or some such thing, but, for me, it's very effective.
The way you describe is very clever. You start talking about a thing (flowers, rug, paint colours, etc.) and then turn it into a small fact about someone.' Cream-colored and decorative, with Mom's beautiful gardens surrounding it. She's really got an eye for design and landscaping. ' :)
Atmosphere = incredible!!!! It goes from a happy, slightly dull, ordinary school day to a frosty, tense encounter in a few words.
Your emotive writing is incredible. You mix it in with the description, making the reader not notice
it until the next paragraph, when the atmosphere suddenly changes, and they realise what they were reading.
One of my favourite things is how you manage to fit REALLY important info into interesting, and sometimes funny little tidbits.
Can I just be the 58th person to say..... What an awesome and original idea it is?!!! I love it, completely new, yet in a familiar-but-interesting way
But...( there has to be a but, or my review will be rubbish ) there are a few teeeeeny things you could improve on:
But Jen and Lea remain standing. The BUT works in tense situations, but in this case, it probably shouldn't be a sentence opener. This happens a few times, but not a lot.
One time I made a tornado. It was hilarious. This doesn't really fit with the next sentence about how nice it was, maybe you could put a 'hilarious' tornado in the next chapter
Last one... Cliffhangers and plot. A great story, but I'm not sure where it's going to end up. If you gave me a clue, Maybe with a *cough* cliffhanger *cough*, it would make me want to read it even MORE!!!!! ( if possible )
So, overall, I love it!!! Do I need to say any more?
I'm gonna give you a brilliantly, beautiful...
Congrats, and feel proud!
Please keep writing it!