Behind the Mask

There's nothing really to explain about this. Its about me, an eighteen year old girl who is banned from a social life. I will try to be 100% honest and update whenever I can but this isn't for you guys, its for me,
So, this is my life.


4. Jack

So the death of my social life?

Well, basically, mum didn’t approve of my new friends.

It was ridiculous. She’d been fine with me being friends with the people who got me stealing, playing dares and acting up, but these new friends…?

Because she’d fallen out with one of their mothers years ago, she assumed that they were both the same.

This went on for a while, a couple of years I think, in the meantime I went out with my first proper boyfriend.

He was okay.

I was never really attracted to any of them before my current bf. It was a mixture of boredom, flattery and curiosity.

Anyway Connor.

He was pretty…clingy.

In more than one way.

I remember not wanting to meet him in the usual spot one morning and catching him walking around looking for me.  It was a little creepy.

I broke up with him soon after that.

But then a couple months later, I went out with him again.

My friends all had boyfriends at the time and I guess I felt left out.

It was wrong of me, I know, but I knew he liked me and I wanted a boyfriend.

It was okay. I never really looked forward to seeing him, when we would kiss I just sort of… tuned out.

Then one day, he tried to take a freaking leap forwards.

Now this was at school in the morning and I was already questioning the thinking behind going out with him again, so when he started to get....handsy, well, that was us pretty much over.

I didn’t go out with anyone again after that.

After Connor’s little stunt I felt pretty gross to be honest. I would flinch if anyone touched me for a few days after that.

Here’s the funny thing though.

My mum actually liked him.

I think it’s mainly because he used to buy me romantic crap and was signing up for the army, something my mum’s dad had been part of.

She even had the talk with me about him.

This was year nine! I was…what? Fourteen?

Then there was Jake.

It was pretty much the same story with him to be honest, although this time we broke up because my mum didn’t like him and I didn’t like him enough to fight over it.

Nothing much really happened for a while, I was always sort of..aware of one boy though. I didn’t know what it was, call it what you like but I’m not a big fate person and I find it revoltingly sappy.

Well, that boy was Jack.

My current boyfriend.

I never really fancied anyone before so I guess I didn’t really know what it was, why I would be unexplainably upset when he wasn’t in or why I would rack my brain for something, anything to say to him when he was around.

Anyway, not  only did I not really understand that I liked him, but sitting on the bench one morning before school, someone told me something that would probably lead to all the crap I’ve had to go through the last few years.

Simply put, she sat next to me and when I asked who “that boy” was, she said “That’s Jack. He’s dying and him and Becca are meant to be.”

I was becoming good friends with Becca at the time and, not one to ruin something supposedly “meant to be,” I backed off.

At the time my best friends, boyfriends, best friend (you following?)  supposedly quite liked me.

Not seeing any reason why not, I went out with him. 

We were doomed from the start.

It was a dreadful idea.

Please, anyone out there thinking about going out with someone to forget about someone else, don’t do it.

It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.

As with the others, slowly, everything about him started to irritate me. I would watch him and listen to him talking and just feel…angry.  Like, what are you doing? Just shut up.

I refused to hold his hand, stupidly worried that Jack would see us, as if that would make a difference, at the time I didn’t think he was interested.

That was when I realised that I liked Jack more than I thought.

I ended it with Adam. It was excruciating and awkward but I couldn’t go out with him when I liked his friend.

I may be many things, but I always try to be a good person.

Mum wasn’t happy. She had quite liked Adam. I don’t know what kind of person she thinks I am, but she was convinced we broke up because his mum has MS or because he never kissed me which is frankly insulting.

For a start, Jack has CF and secondly we never kissed because I always sort of knew we weren’t going to last.

Anyway, it took a couple of months but finally Jack got his act together and asked me out. We’re great together, I know who I am. I don’t feel like I have to put on a certain personality the way someone might change uniform for work.

With him I just…am.

I’m not great at this lovey dovey stuff so I’m going to move swiftly on.

Mum was furious when she found out, she’s convinced Jack is the stalker type, told me she was “worried for my safety”. 

I’m probably going to sound like I’m in denial now but bear in mind this judgement is based on a glimpse of him and the fact that I invited him to call on me in the summer holidays, which he did but we weren’t in.

Connor did exactly the same thing, the only difference is that I told mum he might come over.

It was horrible, a lot of shouting and crying….

When she’s angry, I have this habit of just going quiet, sort of shrink in on myself.

She threatened to pull me out of school and my heart just sank. I couldn’t lose the one person in my life who I felt actually loved me. There’s rivalry between me and my sister, my mum has threatened to send me away multiple times and I don’t see my dad.

Who does that leave?


Only him.

I promised to be honest so I will be.

Sometimes, when mum’s really angry at me, telling me I'm this, I'm that…. I’ve thought about what would be the least painful way to just end it all.

Leave a note telling her how crap she made me feel and what not to do for Eden’s sake and just…let go.

But I couldn’t do that to my sister.

I couldn’t do that to Jack.

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