Well, things have improved I guess.
I kind of had a talk with my mum.
It all started when we were walking around, she was complaining that she never seems to be able to make me smile anymore. She said she only makes me smile when she buys stuff.
I went silent on her.
Its what I do.
I don’t have the courage to say what I want to say to her, when I do, it’s only after I stop thinking. I have to sort of…switch off.
I am not a materialistic person.
I couldn’t give a shit whether or not she buys me crap.
All I want is to be able to see my friends, actually create memories together before they all leave for university.
We’ve been going out nearly a year and half, I would really appreciate being allowed to properly be seen with him.
Just the little things.
Walk around town, hold hands, actually be alone.
Mum got funny.
We went into Next and she started saying how she was going to use the voucher I bought for her birthday on me to cheer me up. I told her I didn’t want her to.
Then I explained why.
I wasn’t thinking, I spoke without really meaning to.
See, she has this thing of throwing things you’ve said or done back in your face when she’s in a mood.
I just knew that would be one of the things.
Next time she was pissy, I just knew she would say how she spent all her voucher on me and I was this and that…..
When we got home, she told me how offensive she’d found that. Told me I’ll never have a successful relationship unless I learn to talk.
Then she went on about how it was the fault of my friends, my dad etc.
I said “what am I supposed to talk to you about when all I do is work and school? Work is just work and you don’t like my friends. That doesn’t leave anything to talk about!”
Apparently she doesn’t hate my friends.
So at least that’s something.
To be honest I was disappointed.
I wanted a proper fight. I wanted to scream and cry and tell her how much she’s fucked up my life.
I wanted an excuse to back my bag and run.
It was a bit of an anti-climax to be honest.
For the next few days, I actually felt…happy. Just normally happy. So light andrelaxed.
Then last night she started all of this on Eden. Saying she’ll pull her out of college unless she stops hanging around one of her friends.
She just handles things so badly!
Telling Eden she’s this and that…. Mum also has the thing of explaining herself to the other twin in the room.
She’ll say things like “what is she thinking?!” “you’d never do that.” “doesn’t get it does she?!”
I just….I wish she’d think about what she says more before she says it when she’s angry.
When she’s angry, it’s like her soul aim suddenly becomes to make us feel as shit as possible.
“You’re a bully. Manipulative. A slut. Common. Such an idiot. Overdramatic…”
She used to make me believe these things about myself.
Now? I couldn’t care less what she thinks.
I love her because she’s my mum.
But as a person?
Well, we wouldn’t be friends that’s for sure.