Ok so this is going to be a place where I can write my thoughts and feelings. These are things that I don't tell people, but now I guess I'm finally going to.
Ok so I guess I should start with a little about me right? I'm a completely normal sixteen year old girl from the suburbs. I have friends not a ton of friends but a few close ones and I'm fine with that. I'm in band and I play the flute and I love that and I feel like I can be myself when I'm in band. So whoever is reading this (if anyone) you probably are thinking that I am this normal girl with a great life, but I have problems too.
So I have a few close friends and in that friend group I am the person that makes ever laugh non stop and I do like and I'm the one who is happy all the time for everyone else. I try to stay happy for them when they're sad, but none of them actually know that I'm unhappy. I hate myself and I'm actually sad. I hate my appearance to the point where I call myself ugly and I don't think that I'm good enough. I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat I'm somewhere in the middle and I try to starve myself so I can look good in shorts and I can feel good wearing a bikini and so I can fit in with society and be what it wants me to be. Every time I try to starve myself I end up binging and I can't bring myself to throw up because I see what that does to people and I don't want to be like that. I just sit in my room and cry and call myself fat and tell myself that I'm not good enough. I've tried to kill myself by overdosing ( That's my biggest secret that nobody knows. I got as far as opening the bottle. When I opened it I started crying and told myself no. I've cut myself, but only once and not deep enough to leave a scar and I haven't done it since. I can't and I won't. I want people to see me as happy. There are days when I am truly happy and I don't think about this and I want to have them everyday and be the happy person my friends think I am.
So this is me. It was very scatterbrained and I'm sorry for that, but I just typed things as they came to my mind. If anyone reads this then I'm sorry that you just read all of my problems. I don't really like expressing what u feel. This is weird to publish, but I'm behind a computer screen and you don't know who I am so I guess it's not like I know you and I'm putting this on facebook or twitter.