Broken: Inside and Out


9. 9

Winter break. I was relieved to be away from all the bullshit that revolved around school. Just three weeks all to myself. For the most part, it was a good break, I had a few moments when I really wanted to cut, but my friends helped me through it, I'm very grateful that I have them.

However, there was actually a third suicide attempt over break, and only one knew about it. My parents were fighting, and it was awful. I could hear my mom screaming at my step-dad "YOU DON'T DO SHIT FOR BRIANNA! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER! BRIANNA HAS TOLD ME THAT SHE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE SHE HAS A FUCKIN FATHER! DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT IS?!" I honestly felt horrible, like I was about to vomit or something. Then I would hear him fire back "AT LEAST I'M NOT A FUCKING DRUNK!" Drunk?! My mom isn't a drunk!!!! That pissed me off. I don't know what happened but I got so angry, I went out into the living room and in the midst of their fighting they both saw me. "Brianna, go back in your room." I could tell my mom was serious but I didn't give a fuck. I walked up to my step dad, and I went off. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LIKE SHIT YOU MAKE ME FEEL?! I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A COMPETITION WITH SAVANNA TO SEE WHO THE 'BETTER DAUGHTER' IS!!! AND DON'T YOU EVER CALL MY MOM A DRUNK AGAIN. I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN WANT ME AS YOUR DAUGHTER. AND I CAN HANDLE YOU TEASING ME, BUT YOU GO TOO FUCKING FAR SOMETIMES. AND WHENEVER YOU DO THAT TO POOR LITTLE SAVANNA, YOU BACK OFF. WE'RE ONLY A YEAR APART. SHE'S NOT A BABY." I didn't bother to stay to hear his explanation. I turned, walked into my room, and slammed the door.

I couldn't sleep that night. Too much stuff was going through my mind. I was thinking about the fight earlier that night, how angry I was, how sad I was. I miss my biological dad so much. But the thing that pisses me off, is that he lives in the same state and city as me, but doesn't make an effort to talk to me. His wife, or my step-mom, makes more of a fucking effort. Don't get me wrong, she's so sweet and I'm lucky she's my step-mom, but I would at least like my dad to message me on Facebook or say "Hi, how are you doing?" But, that doesn't happen. It never fucking does. My whole life, even now, my mom has basically been my "only parent".

Over everything that just happened, I felt so drained and done. My mom has these pills that she takes when she's sick and they just make her sleep all the time, so I went in and I grabbed a handful. I took them all at once. The thing is, I didn't really know what I was doing. Part of me thinks it was just because I was so tired, but part of me KNOWS, that it was a suicide attempt. I remember staggering into my room, and struggling to get into bed. The last thing that I really remember was laying there and thinking about everything that's happened in my life, then, I blacked out.

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