Broken: Inside and Out


5. 5

Rewind to the middle of 5th grade. I was excited because it was a Friday and I was having my two best friends over, Macy and Lyla. Lyla went to a different school from Macy and me. The day went by in a blur, I got home and soon enough Macy and Lyla both came at the same time. My sister also had two of her friends come over at the same time. We were all having a sleep over and having a great time, but all of a sudden, Macy and Lyla ganged up on me, saying things like "We're just pretending to be your friend. We don't even like you." and "We didn't even want to come, your house is so small and your family is full of freaks." That really hurt. I couldn't wrap my head around why they were doing this to me. But, I just ignored it and thought "whatever." The next week I went to school and everyone was talking about me. People whispering things like "Macy told me Brianna lives in a trailer park!" and "Lyla said her parents are total freaks and her sister is, like, mental!" "Brianna is so ugly too!" "She's a fat-ass too!" "I feel bad for her!" I could not believe what I was hearing. I walked up to Macy and asked her "What the hell are you doing making all these lies about me and my family?" She just smirked and said "Oh Lyla and I came up with some pretty creative lies last night over the phone!" Her smile was filled with venom. I turned on my heels and walked away. The rest of the day didn't get any better. People kept telling me I was worthless and I didn't matter and my family was full of freaks. Since I was younger, it got to me quicker. That day after school, I went home and just acted like I was happy because I didn't want to upset my sister who is a year younger than me. But after everyone went to bed that night, I snuck out of my room and into the kitchen where I grabbed the biggest knife I could find and took back into my room with me. I sat on the edge of my bed, staring down at the knife. I didn't want to deal with the bullshit that was going on at school. I didn't want to deal with Macy or Lyla. I figured if I killed myself nobody would miss me or care sine they all "worship" Macy and Lyla. I pointed the blade to my stomach, my hands were shaking and tears falling from my face. I took in a sharp breathe when I was about to shove the knife into my abdomen, when my sister flings open my door, worry spread across her face. She come running and rips the knife out of my hands and flings it in the hallway. I look at her, tears steadily rushing down my face. She doesn't say a word. All she does is come over, hug me, and tells me everything will be alright. And I believed her.

Now, fast forward again to mid January this year, I had dealt with two full weeks of nothing but shit. It started off with a rumor that I fucked some guy and I was pregnant, I was constantly getting attacked by 8th graders, two guys threw me into a wall, one guy in my P.E. tripped me when we were running and stepped on me while I was down, I got told numerous times to go kill myself, and even got a few suggestions like "Drink bleach" "Hang yourself" "Jump off a cliff" I was already back on track with self-harming, now my mind was wandering into suicidal thoughts. Thinking of myself going home and drinking a thing of bleach, turning on my step-dads engine on in the garage and falling asleep, slitting my wrists deep enough, overdosing... I never told anybody. When it came to my friends I just plastered on a smiling face and pretended I was so happy. I never told anyone about it. When I got home that day, I didn't hesitate. I went into the garage and grabbed a rope off of my step-dads boat. I took out the ladder and I tied the rope to the ceiling. I made a hole for my head, slipped it on, tightened it, and with teary eyes and my heart beat increasing by the minute, one foot was off the ladder, one more and I'd be free. My eyes were closed and my foot was inches off the ladder, but my garage door opens and I hear "Brianna!!!" It scared me so much that I lost my footing and I slipped off the ladder, it was starting to go dark when I felt somebody push the ladder back under my feet, climb up, and undid the rope from my neck. I was still in a daze before I realized it was my cousin. His name is Nolan and he's 20, he basically watched me grow up, but if he didn't save me, he wouldn't have seen further. "Brianna! Are you alright? Why are you doing this? I'm not leaving until I know you're okay." but to me the words were just a soft buzz, then, I blacked out.

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