Broken: Inside and Out


12. 12

(For personal reasons I'm not going to use the girls real name. But real quick I wanna thank you guys so much your support is amazing<3)

My relationship with my boyfriend was picture perfect. Of course we'd had our ups and downs, but they were just little things that didn't matter. Until one girl decided to come and fuck everything up. I knew who she was, my boyfriend had told me some stuff about her and she went to my school, but I never connected two and two together. My boyfriend said that they were friends but there wasn't any connection between them. Now of course I'm the jealous type, but I can contain myself and deal with my jealousy. Sure I would get kinda jealous if he talked about her or if they hung out, but I would just brush it off. I figure I should be nice and talk to her a little bit to prevent any drama from happening, I was always nice to her and always said "Hi" in the hallway, and she played along with me. But she started putting things into my boyfriends head that I was a "Whore" and he didn't "Know I had two sides", which is complete bullshit because he knows I have more than just one side, and how the hell would she know what my other side was like? I was furious. Of course my closest group of friends had their own problems with her as well, so that only made everything worse. But one night, my boyfriend and I got into it over her. He called me and our conversation was not a friendly one. He told me he wanted me to stop talking to her and I was just like "Okay cool." So I got rid of all contact that I had with her because I was done with her bullshit. I knew she wasn't going to stop. A few weeks after that, we got into an even bigger argument about her. She told my boyfriend that he could do better than me and that I wasn't who I seemed to be. She went on to tell him that I said something to her over the phone, when I had her number blocked and stopped talking to her when he asked me to. At this point I could feel myself slipping down into the dark hell hole that I had finally climbed out of, only to have her, shove me back down into it. It was a long night of fighting, accusing, and tears. Without thinking, I hung up the phone, turned it off, and locked myself in my room with a razor from the bathroom. I cut up my fingers trying to get the blade out, I sat on the floor sobbing, wondering why I was so weak and helpless enough to do this. Wondering when I would stop playing this dangerous game of love and betrayal. Then, I felt it. I felt the razor head snapped in half as 3, cold, lifeless, pieces of metal fell to the floor. I sat there, staring at the mess. My fingers were cut and bloody, little pieces of plastic scattered across the floor from my desperate attempt to stop the pain from earlier tonight. However, I was not strong enough to resist cutting my wrists open. After around 1:30, I slowly gathered myself to inspect the damage I had done. It was horrific. Thin little red lines laced up and around my left wrist, and dark, thick gashes overlapped on my right wrist. Dried blood covered my hands and was smeared across my jeans. The burning sensation was over whelming. I slowly walked back into my room and changed into sweats and my Black Veil Brides shirt. I figured I better see if anyone texted or called me after I turned my phone off... I patiently watched as the little apple lit up on my phone screen. Once it turned on I had 3 missed calls from my boyfriend, 1 text from my sister, another from my friend Nikki and 5 from my boyfriend. I figured I would read those ones last. The one from my sister read "Hey B, did you find my spandex?" Typically she'd worry about that. Nikki said "B! Wanna go out shooting tomorrow?" That sounded fun. Then, I only had 5 more messages to read through, all from the same person. I shakily scrolled down the screen to open up my inbox. My breathe got caught in my throat as I read through them all. "Brianna, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking." "Brianna, please answer me, I just wanna talk." "Love, I'm so so so sorry. Please can we just talk?" "Bri..." "I'm going to bed. I love you." Wow.... Do I forgive him, or do I end it there? Overall, I felt drained and completely exhausted. I turned my phone back off and decided to go to bed. I'll be able to think more clearly once I've gotten some sleep. 

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