That feeling that you get, the one that pounds on your skull and knots up your stomach to the point where all you want to do is die. That's how i'm feeling right now.
I thought about how much I liked to play soccer as a kid, and all the friends I made on my team, then my middle school years meeting Ellie, and joining the basketball team, and signing up for track. Before I knew it I imagined me in my prom dress getting ready for the last dance of the school year that has yet to happen, and then my graduation where I throw my cap in, then my college and meeting a boy that I would marry and grow old with.
Then I thought of Harry. As much as my lungs pained me, my heart pained me more. What hurts the most is that I never got the chance to tell him how I really feel about him. by this time he probably doesn't even remember that shred of friendship we had before. Now i'm just a fan, and that's all i'll ever be. The nurse handed me a packet with my type of lung cancer.
"It helps if you read about it."
Heredity, since all smokers do not eventually develop lung cancer, it is likely that other factors, such as individual genetic susceptibility, may play a role in the causation of lung cancer. Numerous studies have shown that lung cancer is more likely to occur in both smoking and non-smoking relatives of those who have had lung cancer than in the general population.
my mom saw the tears trickle down my face, and wiped them away with a hug. Soon she and Drake left with the nurse and i was left with my spirits and the sunset that lowered to the edge of the window until it disappeared.
My days were often spent like this. people would come in and out but i would zone them out, focusing on the little details that I had left in life. I wouldn't even acknowledge the people that came to visit me, except for one day.
The door opened and I blinked a few times out of my sleep before looking at the door to see who had came this time. Ellie, and Brocklynn.
"Hey, how you feeling?" Brocklynn whispered coming over and sitting on my bedside.
I gave her a look before croaking out "Why are you here."
she sighed before replying "Look Jaci, I came to apologize for how mean I was to you you-"
"Don't sweat it. I'm not dying." I laughed and propped myself up against the headboard
"You arent?!?" Ellie shrieked in excitement which made me smile.
"We brought flowers..." She trailed off looking at the table of chocolates and card from previous visitors.
"I told you she would have been fine with us just showing up." Ellie back talked
"It's okay. could you hand me the remote?" I said looking over at Ellie by the table.
She passed it over and I flicked on the television changing stations until I found one with a familiar face that caught my eye.
"So you and Kendall Jenner are just friends?" The news reporter screamed as lights flashed and cameras clicked
Harry blinked a few times before replying happily "We're just friends."
"CYA Jaci!" Brocklynn shouted as she sprung off my bedside and down the hospital hall.
"She's my ride." Ellie whispered before walking out and shutting the door behind her.
This is it. This is the moment I have been living for. I need to get up the courage, and the strength in my calves that I had lost from this bed, and ask him on a proper date.
I reached slightly to my side and grabbed my phone opening up the instagram app to notice that the last time harry posted was 16 weeks ago, at the pool party. It had been almost four months since then, and you would think someone would post between now and then. I leaned over to my pillow and smiled thinking about him.
I imagined myself dancing, around and around without a care in the world and with with Harry holding me close. our feet moved together, and a soft wind blew through my hair to rhythm of the music.
Then I imagined myself sitting on the beach making circles in the sand next to harry under a blue endless sky. The waves softly brushed against the shore and seagulls flew overhead crowing the song of their kind. I brushed my hair out of the face and leaned over on harry's chest listening to his heartbeat which was in sync with mine.
My thoughts carried me away and took me to imagining at that moment that Harry would walk through that door and tell me that he was In love with me as much as I was in love with him, but he didn't. It was just a dream.
I eat my lunch in bed the next day and push the rolling table away before slowly drifting back to sleep, but something stopped me. I fluttered my eyes to look up and see Harry Styles in the flesh rushing into my room to see me. too weak to sit up, I thought of my makeup and my hair that I hadn't done since i got into the hospital the week before.
"what happened?" he said looking at the bed and the mess of flowers and cards surrounding me.
I blinked a few times before smiling.
I didn't know what to say to him? what was I supposed to say? I just woke up and barely know whats going on around me.
"How did you know?" I croaked
"Brocklynn." He stated looking around.
too weak to turn my head, I look over to see harry reading the pamphlet the nurse gave me to read about my disease.
"You're lucky you don't have to go through Chemo." He said looking up from the packet and setting it on the hospital counter.
"the doctor said I might not make it through the month." I laughed as tears flowed in my eyes.
"Don't say that." He snapped and came and sat down on my bedside.
"Thank you for coming." I whispered.
I looked over at his hand with a sudden urge to grab it, and I did. He held mine tightly, while rubbing his thumb back and forth over mine. We sat in silence before he decided to get up.
I held on to his hand until he was too far to reach, then I let go.
"I'll come back when I have spare time." He said smiling.
"I'll be here." I smiled and watched him leave and shut the door behind him.
I closed my eyes and Imagined what it would be like tomorrow when harry came back, maybe then I could get some courage to tell him how I really feel about him.