I am writing to you to say I am sorry for putting you through it all and upsetting mum and dad, and to say thank you for salvaging me from the sadness. Even just writing this I am holding back the tears, wishing you were here in life form and that you didn’t die at birth, but I can’t change that, and I won’t move on, but I will accept it.
For the past 14 years, I have visited your grave and given you a gift near your birthday, hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a nightmare, but it wasn’t. 14 years. I will still visit now, but I will be crying happy tears because I will know that without you here I would be lying next to you in the ground, and I would not ever be able to visit you again. Thank you. I cannot express enough how much you mean to me, and how much you have helped me through it all, but I hope you understand.
I remember one time when Dad and I visited your grave. We went and sat on the bench opposite it, and got a small flower stalk and put it in May, for when you died. I remember how the bench was slightly wet, but because I was near you it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered as long as I was near you. I remember how the ground was slightly damp from the rain. I remember how the smell in the air was fresh. I remember how he said that when he dies he wants to be cremated and sprinkled over Redlesham forest because it is the closest place to home with a UFO sighting. I remember how I cried because of the thought of life without you and dad hurt. It seemed dark. I realised that life isn’t just about living and dying, but it’s about the opportunities and the goals you achieve that matters the most. I will never forget that day.
I’m not sure who put me and my last boyfriend together. Bad fate? You to teach me a lesson? I don't know. However I do know that it messed things up badly, and you were there every step of the way; in my heart. I know that one day you would have found the perfect partner who would have made you happy. I hope wherever you are now, you will find that person and will still be happy.
I guess the only good thing about you not being here is you can go wherever you want whenever you want, and dart around like lightening, and that when Nan talks a lot you can escape! But I don’t want you to be there, and I hope that fate will be on my side and let my children have life so no-one has to go through the pain me and my family went through.
Was it you who saved Granddad? It must have been you, because you are the only one who has helped me, my family and my friends through our problems, and I thank you for it.
Without you I would be in a bad place right now, and so would Granddad, and my friends. And Uncle Mark. I'm checking through this now and all the memories are coming back of it all. So many people have been helped because of you and I'm proud to have you as my brother. You have helped so I believe that I need to repay you, but I don’t know how. I think the best way is to use your help you gave me and try not to go in that grey place ever again, which means trying very hard. I am already on my way to happiness again and with my boyfriend’s help, who you haven’t met yet, I can gain full recovery.
Do you remember Granddad with the black eye? I remember many different rumours about how he got the black eye, like that he accidentally sprayed himself in the eye with aftershave, or like how he might have got shot in the war, or like he had done it by falling into a door handle. I don’t know which one is true, but they make me remember seeing him in the home. I used to call it a ‘black eye’ because he had a patch over it. I think it was his left eye, but it’s too far back to remember now. I wish I wasn't so young when he died and that I could have seen him one more time to say goodbye. His death proves that the world isn't a wish granting factory so we should be grateful for what we already have. But it's hard...
Thank you again for everything you have done for me, and I hope that, wherever you are, you will have a happy time.
Lots of love,
Your Little Sister xxx