Breaking Point ≫ h.s.

hell isnt a place; hell is a feeling. hell is where you get consumed by all your terrible and dark thoughts, its where you give up everything, its where it all ends, its where you break. because hell is your breaking point. its where i am and i cant find my way out. -h.s.

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4. ii.

this is a filler chapter so sorry! I'm so excited for the next chapter tho bc flashback are my most favorite thing to write *wink wink*. enjoy x

2.

I was immediately met by my mum's arms around my chest. She had a tight hold which made me winded, so as much as I didn't want to, I had to break the hug.

My mum's eyes were filled with concern. Gemma and Paul was sat on the couch, both staring at me suspiciously. Gemma walked over to me. She hugged me as well, not as tightly but still. I didn't hesitate to wrap my arms around her too. She buried her face in my chest, being that she is a lot smaller than me.

"I don't want to break up your little reunion," someone interrupted from the corner of the room. It was the doctor. "But I need to." Gemma let go and joined my mum and Paul back at the couch.

The doctor approached me and sat me down on a make up chair. "Take your shirt off." I knew where this was going. "Listen, doc--" I tried. "Mr. Styles," he put a hand up to silence me. "No argument can be made now. You are unfit to finish your performance. It has been decided." He informed me matter of factly.I looked at Paul pleadingly. He nodded.

I removed my shirt and the doctor checked my breathing. With one final shake of his head, I knew I was done for it. I sigh in exasperation and shame. I wore my shirt again and tried to reason with Paul one last time.

"Paul, I'm okay. I promise." I plead desperately. "No, you're not, Harry." He barely whispered, clear disappointment in his voice. "Paul, I--"

"Enough, Harry!" His voice roared, making me shudder. "You looked like you were going to faint up there!" I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't have been that bad, could I?

"Playback to when they sang Midnight Memories." Paul instructed one of the technical production guys. He did what he was told and soon enough my recent performance appeared on the flat screen mounted on the wall.

I was mortified. I looked like I was a zombie. My walk was slower than it already was. My shoulders were heaving up and down. My eyes were constantly looking around. My lips were trembling. My fingers were shaking around the microphone. The only thing that remained was my smile and even that was faked.

"Turn it off." I told the technical producer and he did. My head hung low. I sad back down on the couch. I pushed myself too far this time, I was wrong.

"Harry, listen," my mum began. "You're doing poorly as of now. You're not superhuman. You can't always be there in perfect shape. You have your weak points too." She told me as she lifted my chin up. "You missing this last show, it doesn't make you any less of a person. If anything, it made you an even better person. You tried your best, sweetie. Sometimes your best just isn't enough but sometimes everyone's best just isn't enough. It doesn't matter." She stated, looking me straight in the eyes.

"You have hundreds of more shows to perform in. And if you're fans are the loyal, loving, understanding and sweet fans I know they are, they'll understand, okay?" She concluded and I nodded. She hugged me again.

"I'm so proud of you, Harry. I really am. " She said before she kissed the top of my head.

"So, what now?" I asked Paul, my voice smaller than before. "Well, you can go back to the tour bus and rest in your bunk if you'd want some privacy from here." He gestured around the room. "Since you don't have a lung infection, Dr. Jones needs you to rest and take this generic inhaler for now. Nothing high maintenance or what not." he informed me. 

"Alright." I got up from the couch and asked for a hoodie and a coat from the wardrobe people. I wore them as I walked out through the back door. Our tour bus was parked a few feet away from the barricade of the venue. Some girls who hadn't bought tickets were on the other side of the gate. They started screaming my name.

I tried my best to smile but I was honestly just so exhausted and defeated that I really didn't want anything more than to rest. 

When we got to the bus, Paul left my mum, Gemma and I to ourselves. Gemma still hasn't uttered a word to us and I had a feeling I knew why. Because she knew. 

Instead of walking straight to my bunk, I sat on one of the lounge couches at the front of the bus. My mum and Gemma sat on either side of me. I rested my head on my mum's shoulder.

"How was your day?" I asked with a yawn, rather out of the blue. "Oh, it was great!" My mum exclaimed enthusiastically. "Gemma introduced me to this really nice lad she's been seeing and--"

"Mum!" Gemma cut her off, blushing profusely. I couldn't help the smirk that appeared on my face. "Are you going to introduce me, big sis?" I asked with a big innocent grin on my face. "We're just friends, you idiot." She defended and I smiled even wider.

"How 'bout you, Harry? Seen any girls worth your time?" My mum asked. Gemma and I made eye contact. Her eyes filled with concern and worry. She knew. 

I laughed nervously. "Ha, mum. You know I wouldn't risk a relationship right now." I said as seriously as I could. "I know, I know." She replied. A tension grew between us all.

"But, anyways," My mum tried to change the subject. "It's almost your break! What's your plans?" She asked excitedly again and the tension disappeared just as quickly as it arrived. 

"I'd love to go to Los Angeles and New York after my stay at Holmes Chapel. A lot of people from there have been contacting me too about some sponsorship deals and all that stuff." I told her. I honestly had so many calls from so many different people I never thought would even have my number much less have interest to work with me. 

"That sounds wonderful, Harry. Remember one thing for me, though?" My mum said as I rested my head on the couch, closing my eyes in the process. I mumbled for her to continue. 

"Don't let this all get to your head, alright? Remember the X-Factor and all the work you had to do to get to where you are now. Don't forget The Boys, don't forget Holmes Chapel, don't forget us and don't forget who you really are." She said and I drifted off into sleep.

__________________________________________

 

"Harry," someone shook my shoulder. I grumbled. "Harry, it's Gemma." I slowly opened my eyes and met the ones of my sister. I feel like absolute shit. "I know you do." Gemma told me. Seems like I thought a loud. "Yes, you did. You came down with a fever so you're sort of delusional at the moment." 

She pulled me from the couch and pushed me towards the bunks. "The show just ended. The boys will be here in a few minutes." She informed me. "Where's mum?" I asked her. "She's outside calling someone." She replied. "When will I get to go back to Holmes Chapel?" I asked again. "By tomorrow, if you're fit enough for it." She answered as I got under my covers in my bunk. I was slowly drifting back into unconciousness.

"It's happening again, isn't it?" She asked me. 

Was I going to tell her the truth?

"No, it isn't." I lied.

"I won't let it happen again." I reassured her.

But  as much as I didn't want it to.

I think it was already happening.

And I don't know how to stop it.

 

what in the world is happening.

btw, my comment box won't bite so why not leave a comment? it really helps me out so leave one if you've reached it this far. i promise there are no screamers. i think.

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