Do you ever feel?


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1. Do you ever feel?

Today I had a maths exam. It was relatively important, I had studied, not much, but nevertheless I had studied. I had a calculator and all the equipment I needed. Then I started the exam.

Fourteen difficult questions, in order of difficulty. I couldn't get past the eighth. I have never felt a stronger urge to hurt myself, ever. I actually carved the words "I HATE MATHS" into my left hand with a compass. All I wanted to do was cry.

Then I left the exam hall with all the other students who found it difficult but persevered. My eyes began to water. I caught myself and maintained the same apathetic, stony expression that got me through almost every day.

The thing that hurt the most was that I could not control how upset I was getting about a maths exam. During the exam was the surge of frustration, when I just wanted to break something. Then followed the self-loathing, when I wanted to hurt myself. Eventually the shame came and I realised how I would disappoint my parents, even myself. Finally, the realisation that it was just an exam and that I had acted pathetic.

I hate the feeling I got that day but instead of studying for the following exam to prevent the same thing happening again, I curled up on the floor and thought about the maths exam.

I hate maths.

But, in the same way that I didn't love my arm or my lungs, I didn't love George: he was a part of me.

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