It's been over 3 days since I have talked to either Kyle or Justin. God, I made such a big mistake. I wanted to call them, they both deserved so much better than me. But I spent the last days in bed doing nothing but crying. I love Justin more than life itself. I can't believe I let this happen. It isn't Kyle's fault either, how was he supposed to know I was secretly dating someone else? The more I think about it, the more I hate myself. Justin got me through my break up, my depression, he made me so damn happy. I should have known once it ended, it would be like this. I wanted nothing more than to just cuddle up to him and kiss his perfectly soft lips and look into his beautiful brown eyes. After kissing Kyle, I know that it isn't meant to be. It didn't feel the same as with Justin, there was no spark. When I kiss Justin, time stops and I can't feel my legs, I can't help but get crazy butterflies and just thank the world for giving me Justin. That's how it should be when you're with someone. I was so stupid to let it get away. How could I let Kyle get to me like that?
I snapped out of my deep thoughts and I was brought back to the horrible truth of reality. I had my phone gripped tightly in my hands with Justin's contact pulled up on my phone. I just didn't have the nerve to hit call. I didn't want to hear him crying or hear him yelling. I didn't want to think of him as broken. I think back to how bad I felt when I heard about his girlfriend and that's when we were friends so I can't imagine how bad he feels. How could he possibly love me after what I've done. But I can't just leave it at this. We didn't officially break up but it's definitely not clear if we're still together so I have to find out instead of guessing. I want my kindhearted Justin back, and I don't believe in god but he is much worth praying for.
I know Justin is a very kind spirited person, but I didn't want to experience his bad side if he had one. Kyle on the other hand wouldn't hurt a fly. He was so accepting and sweet so I decided to make things right with him first. I didn't want to call him in fear of being hung up on so I drove to his house. I saw his car parked outside so I was aware he was home. I jogged to the front door and knocked lightly. It only took a few moments to hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Kyle lived with a roommate but he was close to never home so I was pretty confident it was Kyle on the other side of the door. As the door handle started to spin, I got extremely nervous. It opened slowly and I was met with Kyle's pale, sick looking face.
"Oh my god, Kyle...Are you alright?" -He bit the inside of his cheek avoiding eye contact but he finally looked up. My eyes met with his red, glossy eyes.
"Are you stoned?.." -I asked disappointed.
Kyle told me he didn't believe in getting drunk or high because it's a waste of money to lose yourself for a couple hours. He cleared his throat and widened the door allowing me space to step in. I did and was immediately met with the smell of liquor and weed.
"What the hell? You said you didn't believe in this.. you said you weren't this kind of person. I can't believe this!"
I know I shouldn't be the one shouting but I was so angry at the moment I didn't know what to say. It isn't the fact he did it because I have in my past smoked and drank but it's the fact of him turning on his beliefs for a bad reason. Kyle motioned his head towards the top of the stairs causing me to look. At first I didn't know what he was signaling but I heard someone walking and my heart froze when I saw Justin. He looked me dead in the eyes and walked slowly down the stairs. My heart was beating faster than ever. I wanted nothing more than to see him and I wasn't even questioning why he was there as I was so nervous for what he was going to say. He stopped about 10cm in front of my face. He opened his lips and I was blown away as Justin blew smoke right into my face. He gave me a sarcastic smile and proceeded outside to his car. Justin was out of there in no time. I felt my eyes welling up with tears as I realized how much Justin had turned on me. He probably hated me more than ever right now. One tear fell down the side of my face and I turned to see Kyle staring at me. He walked up and gently wiped the tears with his thumb.
"Why are you being so nice to me..I cheated on you Kyle. You should hate me just like he does."
I crossed my arms and sat on the stairs. He followed to sit down beside me. He cleared his throat and I was hoping for him to say something..anything.
"Look, Spencer. I am mad at you, don't get me wrong. But I know the stuff you went through. I know how your life was. Sometimes when people are recovering from that lifestyle, they need all the attention they can get, they get obsessed with the feeling of being loved which I think is what happened to you. The last thing I wanted to do was add to what you were feeling. I really don't want you following your old ways. I just think that it's better to forgive than hold a grudge because I know you and eventually I would forgive you so why not do it now?"
He looked at his hands as he was intertwining them in his lap.
"Kyle, I am so sorry. I don't want to say anything to hurt you but I did love Justin. I didn't tell you much about him but that's because I came to this town without even telling him. I loved him when we were only friends and he ended up with someone else so I left. He followed me here and told me that he loved me after we started going out. I did like you and we had fun together but hearing Justin say he came for me changed things. I'm sorry you were the one who had to deal with it. And at first I was with you to distract from Justin but it turned into more than that. We just didn't have enough time to get fully developed. It could've worked if maybe-"
I was cut off my Kyle interrupting me again. -"I think you're getting the wrong vibe. I liked you to but you also were a distraction from my ex. You and I really connected and it really helped. I'm not in this state fully because of you, it's that the person you loved came back for you and mine is already with someone new. I knew that there was something going on between you two. I could see it in the way you looked at each other. I just wanted to hold onto you as long as I could because anything is better than sitting around thinking of her. Now that you can't be my remedy anymore, I tried smoking..with Justin."
My mind was brought back to how he was here with Kyle. There was just so much in my head it slipped my mind.
"Why was he here? How did this all come together?"
Kyle didn't have to think long before his response.
"After we both left your apartment, we were both downstairs. I was waiting for the bus and Justin was searching his pockets for something before leaving. He brought up conversation with me which was extremely surprising and he asked for me to tell him what happened. I thought he deserved it so I did. I don't really know him but he seemed pretty upset about the whole thing. He seemed distant..as his whole soul just left his body."
I interrupted Kyle again, -"but how did you end up smoking together in your house?"
He rubbed his hands together and started talking again, -"After I told him the story, he asked if I loved you. I did end up telling him about my ex and it seemed to relieve him a bit that we didn't have a serious relationship. I asked him the same question and he nodded. He said that your love was like something only god could deliver. He really did seem heartbroken and he could tell I was as well. He then asked if I wanted to hangout just to chill. I said I had some thinking to do and he told me that he would take my mind off everything and he came over with it. I didn't want to Spencer, believe me. But he told me that it'd make things better for an hour."
I was disappointed because I didn't want Justin doing drugs. They can change a person. It's not that weed itself bugs me but it can lead to much worse drugs. I liked his happy self. I didn't want him dealing with his problems by weed because it could make things worse.
"Is he mad?" -my voice cracked because I felt like I was going to cry. If I did this to Justin I didn't even want to look at myself.
"Yeah..but if you're thinking you want to see him. I'd do it tonight. Before he makes a huge mistake."