14. Still Fighting It
Forget his name. Forget his face. Forget the love you once shared. Remember. There's someone new. Forget the time you spent together. Remember he's gone. Forever. Forget him when they play your song. Forget how close you two once were. Remember he's chosen her. Forget the way he used to talk. Forget his teasing and cute ways. Remember he's happy instead of sad. Forget you saw him everyday. Forget he made your dreams come true. Remember now she loves him too. Forget the thrill when he walked by. Forget him when he made you cry. Forget the way he said he needed you. Forget the way he hugged and treated you. Forget all those nights he held you tight. Remember he now holds her tight. Forget the way he looked at you. Forget you cuddled all night through. Forget all your dreams came true. Remember that he doesn't love you.
The words just lingered in my mind for a minute. Every single sentence was true and I did have so many reasons to move on but I can't let go. You can't forget someone like him. Hes so different from everybody else that I've ever laid eyes on. Love is beautiful but stupid. I just wanted my Justin back. I was so determined in moving on but I found a video on my computer we had made when we were fooling around. Why didn't he feel the same way? Think Spencer, Think. You are an hour away from him. Different schools. Different situations now. Even if he loved you it wouldn't work. Half of me is convinced and the other half just can't let go of that perfect brown eyed boy. He's one in a million and I was lucky to find that one. There's nothing I could have done to prevent it. Absolutely nothing. It had to be for the best. I spent a lot of my night listening to all my sad songs and watching dumb videos of me and Justin. Then there was the one video that made me lose it. He sent it to me when I was at home depressed because of school. He was singing a song he'd wrote called be alright. He knew I was in a bad mood and not in one to talk so he sent it and said 'no words, just watch' Where can I find another Justin? It's impossible. You find something so great and it gets taken away from you by a real life barbie doll.
I wondered if he missed me but he didn't even know I was gone. I can't say he didn't care because I really didn't know for sure. He thought I was sick and needed rest but soon he'd find out. What happened that night with Dylan, why I was playing sick. Then it hit me. Justin thinks we're still friends. He doesn't know I have feelings for him and I was upset because of his girlfriend. He doesn't know that I never wanted to talk to him again. He thinks I am sick and he'll see me when I'm well. I don't want him to know about my wishes of death or see the proof on the inside of my left arm that I hated life. But on the other hand I did. I knew that Justin would be so loving towards me and I wanted him to cuddle me tight crying into his sweater. I wanted him to sing me to sleep when I was having a rough night. I wanted his face to be the first thing I woke up to. I wanted him so badly and he was out of reach. He didn't need me anymore. I was the remedy to his broken heart of Selena which obviously was cured. I was still sick, my heart ached but not with the same pain as with Dylan. It pounded and hurt. I couldn't think about Justin or I'd get worked up.
Truth is I liked it here. It's been a chance to get away from things. The best part is I'm able to tell a whole new story and be a whole new person. I needed someone to talk to. I'd hope to get closer to people at school. At least I could have one person to tell everything to do and hopefully she wouldn't be two faced like Brooke. There was only one thing to worry about. What would happen when Justin finds out?