It was time. Time for me to meet faces with this boy I've loved so long but only experienced friendship with. There's so much I regret. For one, I regret not telling him that day. If I had just told him that I loved him we would have been perfectly together back home. But as I think about it, I would still be stuck in that town with all those people that knew what I'd been through and what I was like. I'd be stuck seeing Dylan and all those people that showed me they weren't real friends. I had moved on from back then, and now Justin was going to drag parts back. I liked it here. I liked Kyle and how he made me feel. But then again, I loved Justin and what the thought of being with him did to me. What sucked is that if you made a wrong decision, you can't undo it. I called Justin by an unknown number so if I decided against him he still wouldn't have my number. I told him I'd like to see him and he agreed. I'd be meeting him at Starbucks in an hour. I didn't know what to expect besides that I would be getting to the bottom of everything that happened between us, things like why he was with someone else and why he never told me, things like that. I was curious about so much after he sang that song outside my door. I didn't know what I wanted anymore but I needed too. I didn't like living with a decision to make or stress. I liked being with one person that made me happy and enjoying every second of being awake. I got dressed and headed down the stairs of my apartment. I took a deep breath as I was unsure of how I'd feel by the end of the day.
I was outside the door. I wanted to walk in but I wasn't sure what to say.
"Just go in," I kept telling myself but I couldn't force myself to move.
"Waiting for something?" -I heard a voice behind me. I turned around to see Justin smiling while looking into my eyes.
"Uh, I was just..." -he laughed.
He licked his lips and went around me to hold the door open for me. We sat beside the window sipping my cotton candy frappachino as he was rubbing his hands together.
"So um, I have a lot I want to say. And I have a lot I want to hear from you. First, why did you leave me and everything back home?" -he asked while biting his lip.
"Well, I hated home that's why this is my new home."
The sound of that made him look down and sigh. He looked back up at me as a sign for me to continue.
"And um for one, wait do you know..?" His eyes widened.
"Know what?" -he asked looking deeply concerned.
"I tried to kill myself a couple weeks before I left Justin," -he paused.
"I do know about that, your mom told me but oh my god.. Spencer? Why." -his eyes started to fill with tears.
"How could you do that?"
It ached my heart how much it affected him.
"Are you...okay?" -he asked me not taking his eyes off mine.
"I am now. But I was in a very bad place. After everyone was calling me names for what happened with Dylan, I was broken and then I had you. But that night I heard about your girlfriend it ruined me. I felt like I had no one. You stopped calling and texting me as much. It hurt. No one was there to stop me. So why stay when nobody is fighting for you to?"
Justin looked like he wanted to punch a wall but he also looked like he wanted to cry for hours straight.
"Spence, if I knew how bad it got, I woulda been there. 100%"
"But Justin, that's the point. You didn't know because you stopped paying attention to me. You used to be able to tell when I had something small wrong with me and when I walked into that cafe with you feeling the most depressed I've ever been. You didn't sense one thing wrong with me. You checked out on me."
I was also starting to tear up myself.
"Look, I stopped because you also did. After that night you stopped texting, calling, everything. I thought you just didn't wanna be close anymore. And when I did call you said you were sick and needed to be left alone. Why would I disturb you?"
It was true. I told my mom to tell him to leave me alone until I was better.
"Why were you with her?"
That caught his attention more.
"I thought maybe if I was with someone else, I'd get over you. It didn't work at all. It just made me feel worse. If I would've know that you loved me, I would have showed you that I felt the same."
How did he even know that I liked him? Like nobody even knew.
"How did you even know Justin?"
He paused but looked into his backpack. He pulled out something and placed in on the table..my journal.
"H..how did you get that?"
"Well, you didn't think I completely forgot about you? It had been over 2 weeks since we last talked so I knew you weren't sick obviously. When I got there, your mom told you had left and told me I could check your room for anything that may be mine and that's the only thing I found."
I was sort of angry.
"And you read it?!"
He rolled his eyes and raised his voice.
"What the hell was I supposed to do Spencer? You left with no explanation. I didn't know where you were. Why you didn't even bother to tell me. I needed to know what was so bad that you left me behind not knowing anything." I felt really bad about just leaving him now. But how was I supposed to know he also secretly loved me? "Okay so we both have faults in this. I don't really want to think about what happened before. I hated that life and this is my new one. Everything has changed since then Justin. He licked his lips again. Oh I really loved that.
"Not everything...I still love you. That won't ever change."