10. Purple Pills
We arrived home from the doctors and I told my mother that I'd stay home and watch a movie. She could trust me. She looked awfully tired as she never wanted me to be alone but she agreed to letting me stay in my room and watch movies. I've always been good at convincing. It was about 8 when she left. It was time to get to work. I was so conflicted with myself because 2 months ago I would have never thought about this, I would have been so scared to die. Now it is my wish. Constant dreaming sounds like paradise and I couldn't wait to arrive. I didn't want my mother to find me dead, so I decided to go to the park where it all started. With Dylan. Everything became worse once I was broken up with under that damn tree so that's where it would be done. That way it would rather be a stranger than my mother. I got in my car and drove straight there. I haven't driven for a couple weeks but I was alright. I looked down to my right to see a bottle of pills and a pad of paper. I didn't know what a suicide letter was like but I'd like to leave something so it wasn't a mystery why I was gone. I got out of my car and sat right under that same tree. I sat in silence for a few minutes but then I started to write.
Dear everyone who reads this, I'm dearly sorry you had to go through with this but my life is a constant battle between pain and sadness. There's no reason to be here anymore. Everyone at school hates me. I have no one close to me anymore. I'm behind in school and I have nothing worth staying for. Most people will understand why I left. Some will be confused but it's simple. Kids are cruel. They push you into rather killing yourself than being yourself. I'm done fighting to live when others have life handed to them. I want to be free. From this world and from all the cruel people out there. I want to be in heaven where all the spirits are kind and accepting. Mom, I love you so much and I will always watch over you. Please take care of Liam and don't let him get hurt. You're strong. Stronger than me and that's why I know you'll get through this. I am not your daughter Spencer anymore. I'm just a constant problem you have to drag to doctors and therapists. You know the old Spencer, don't forget her. The happy one who never let anyone down. I'll always remember you. Tell Liam that I took that vacation to the tropics like him and I always dreamed of. And to everyone else, I don't owe you an explanation.
By now my face was drowned with tears and so was the paper. I folded it up and placed it on my lap. I opened the bottle, poured all the contents into my mouth and swallowed.
I wasn't completely dead but I wasn't completely alive. I was in the transformation part from life to death. It was very bright white and I could feel the depression just leaving my body. I felt lighter. Like I was floating to the sky. It was beautiful. But somehow, I was flashed back to reality. I looked around and saw myself in a hospital bed. I felt like screaming and crying and just swearing at the whole world. Why wasn't I successful? What did I do wrong? There was a shadow of someone looking over me. I looked up and met familiar eyes. Not Justin's...Dylan's.