"I know babe, call you later bye."
I had just got off the phone with my girlfriend Michaela. She was great but it's like something was missing. I haven't seen Spence for a really long time. She couldn't be sick this long. I dialed her house.
It was her mom.
"Hello, this is Justin. Is Spencer home? How is she doing?"
There was a slight pause in the conversation.
"You might wanna come over here." -she said in a shaky tone.
It made me worry and I quickly hung up the phone. Spencer was my best friend and it's like she was avoiding me. Every message I sent didn't go through, every call I made was blocked, she didn't talk to me for a long time and I missed her. I missed the way she never cared what I thought and just fooled around with me. I miss her dark hair and light brown eyes. I had to hurry over there. It was something her mother couldn't say to me in person and it was like my life was on the line.
I ran up to the door and her mom answered immediately.
"Hello Justin, come in."
I stepped in rubbing my hands together.
"Is everything okay?"
There was a giant lump in my throat.
"Can I see her?" -I asked while licking my lips.
"She isn't here Justin."
What? Where was she?
"Do you know anything?" -she asked me while looking at me with a concerned face.
"I only know she was sick a couple weeks ago and never called me back."
Her mother looked sad.
"Sit down," -she said leading me to the couch. I did but I couldn't be comfortable.
"Justin, Spencer suffered from severe depression. She tried to overdose on pills when her ex boyfriend, Dylan saved her and brought her to the hospital. She couldn't go back to school because she was afraid she'd never be looked at the same. She moved in with her aunt in Ottawa."
I didn't know what to say. I thought we were best friends and I didn't know anything. I could have helped her.
"Um, when is she coming back?" -I asked.
Her mom just looked at her lap and sighed.
"She isn't. She didn't know how to tell you. If she had any of your things like clothes or anything from when you slept here you can go check in her room."
I stood up and walked up the stairs. I couldn't feel my legs. I'm still in shock. My best friend, Spencer the one who always had a smile on her face, had tried to kill herself. Worst part is she didn't even say goodbye to me. If she succeed I would have been a mess. I know I punched Dylan in the face but I owed him some slack for saving her life. I walk into her room and it was almost bare. Everything's gone. The pictures the sheets. I opened the drawers and they're all empty except for the top one of her bedside table. It had some sort of book in it. I picked it up. It's a journal. I don't want to read it but I'm so desperate to know what happened to her and why she felt this way. I want to know why she left without saying good bye to me. I had to know. I opened the cover and this book is crawling with secrets. I flipped to the back because I want to know her last thoughts. She talks about school and I go to the part to where she stopped talking to me. It's dated the last night I saw her.
I hate this, I hate her, I hate him. Do you know what it's like to see the person you love be with someone else?
Hold on.. the person you love? I'm so confused so I flipped back a couple pages.
Justin slept over last night. He was protecting me from my hurt feelings. When he walked out of the bathroom with messy hair and a groggy voice, I realized that I loved him. I don't know why it was at that specific moment. Just the way he looked at me made me feel some type of way I knew wasn't friendly.
I flip forward a couple more pages.
I don't believe in god but his eyes looked like heaven,
they were the color of branches laid bare in the winter,
of dirt and the roots weaving in and out of my rib cage.
He bites his nails and the skin at my collarbone exhales
great shuddering breaths
like he is a supernova
and I am his explosion
I don't believe in god,
but I do believe in poetry
and he is the only thing
worth writing about.
I could not breath. This writing was beautiful.
Why I shouldn't let go
1. He makes me laugh
2. There is no one else who knows as much about me as he does.
3. There are times when he does make me feel loved.
4. He makes me feel secure
5. He understands me
6. He gives me butterflies
7. He makes me smile inside out
8. I don't want to give up
9. I don't know who to be without him
10. I love him
She loved me. She almost killed herself seeing me with someone else. It killed her from the inside out. She avoided me and shut me out because I was with someone else. She didn't want me to comfort her anymore. She really loved me. She left because of me. And the reason this all hurt me so much...was because I loved her too.