9. All Falls Down
I've been writing for hours on end. My mind can't wrap around the fact my Justin has a girlfriend. I know we were only friends but I used to be his number one and now I come second. What will happen when I need Justin and he's out with her. You're supposed to always have someone that you come first to and I don't anymore. What can I do.
It's been a couple days now. I haven't been going to school. I haven't been eating. I haven't gotten out of bed except for bathroom breaks. I was already upset by everybody at school and now I've lost the only thing keeping a smile on my face. He hasn't contacted me. He's obviously busy. I've almost filled my whole journal with a pool of emotions. Truth is I can't feel much anyways. I just sat numb in my bed and slept as much as possible. Sleep is good because you can escape reality for a couple hours. I've never felt so empty before. People hate me. It's hard to not have anybody to talk to. At school I get bombarded by names and at home I get lost in my head because there's nobody to talk with. I've been lying to myself saying it will get better. The only thing I know that's absolutely true is life sucks. I have nothing keeping me happy. I follow Justin on instagram and I see the pictures they take together. I see the cute names he calls her. I see the smile on his face as he looks at her. I'm guessing he hasn't contacted me because he's forgotten about me. But then again I haven't looked at my phone in forever. It's on silent faced down beside my bed. I've spent my last week rereading old books and writing. Both of these things take my mind away from my reality which is worse than being dead. I should have told him I loved him. I waited too long. It would have ruined our friendship anyway but at least he would have known. I hate keeping everything to myself and my journal. As I think all of these horrible thoughts I can see my phone light up. I finally pick it up to see 10 missed calls and over 15 messages from the one and only Justin. The first couple are asking to see me. The last few are panic messages if I'm alright. He also left a voicemail and I check it.
"Spencer..Are you there?" -he sounds so scared.
"Where the hell are you. I need you. You're my best friend. I need to see you. It hurts me that you're ignoring me. I'm so damn worried about you. But seriously I just need to hear your voice Spence, call me."
A tear falls from my face but I put back my phone with no responses. I don't want to talk to him. I need to get over his charming smile and handsome face. I need to get over those eyes and his laugh, I need to forget about it all before I call him. Nothing will be the same anymore even if I called him this second. So I decide to sleep again. I'm out in under 5 minutes.
I was diagnosed with depression earlier this week. My mother noticed the scars that traced the inside of my arm and took me to doctors and therapists immediately. Now everybody just looks at me like I'm sick. I'm not. Just a bit sadder than most people. I don't like to think there's something wrong with me but there is. I just hated the world so much and I wanted to escape it but my mother no longer leaves me alone. She's so scared I will say goodbye to the world and leave like that. I have to admit it's what I wanted most right now. She has contacted Justin and told him I was very physicaly sick instead of mentally sick. I don't want him to come to my house or try to contact me so I figured it'd be easier if he thinks that I need to be left alone for my health even though it's actually the worst. Why live when it's constant torture. So I decided. Today will be Spencer DeSuza's last day on earth.