☆Title: Felt This Way by Brokenbravery on Tumblr
☆Summary(kinda): Song is Glitter In The Air by P!nk. One of my favorites and it fit very well. This might be triggering to anyone with an eating disorder. Hope this is good, darlings xx
☆Word Count: idek whoops😬
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
It always happened the same way. He’d be fine, better than fine. He’d be curled up with Louis on a couch or a bed or a chair or anything. And then there was a trigger. Something stupid, something completely unrelated but it was irrational and it hurt. A comment about a fit girl (Zayn), a plate of food shoved at him (Niall), a conversation about working out (Liam), or worst of all, almost anything to do with a certain cerulean eyed boy’s love life. Louis. Yes, he triggered it the most.
Harry would fight it off as long as he could, really. Sometimes Louis would notice, ever the insightful bastard, and ask him why he wouldn’t eat. And some days Harry would say he was sick, others not hungry, sometimes even admit that he was watching what he ate. Louis would frown, pinch his stomach and hand feed him animal crackers with a laugh. And Harry would put up with it, of course he would, because it was Louis.
But as soon as he could, he would run to the bathroom as his head swirled and a voice chanted over and over again fat, stupid, idiot, ugly, imperfect, flawed, not enough, not what he wants, Louis doesn’t want you, he pinched your fat, he thinks you’re fat, Louis doesn’t like you, Louis, Louis, Louis.
And Harry wouldn’t fight it anymore, no, he’d accept it, and stick his fingers down his throat, heaving up whatever he just ate. It burned and it hurt but it was worth it, because maybe one day he’d be good enough for Louis.
Maybe one day Louis would want him.
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”?
Harry lived in the moment. He liked to experience life and do stupid things and make mistakes because he was young and he had an amazing life and he could. So he did. But somehow that all crashed down around him every time Louis went on a date. Those were the worst times. When he’d rave about the girl, talk about how cute she was, how bubbly her laughter was, how funny her jokes were.
And Harry was a good friend, of course he was, so he smiled along and congratulated Louis and whatever else was needed. He’d even cuddle with him on the couch.
But the voice would start up again, worse than ever, and he’d stop eating all together. For days. Just a small bite when he knew he’d faint otherwise, a little something before concerts and that was it. Nothing. No meals. And when Louis would frown at his plate, food untouched, he’d eat a few mouthfuls to appease him, and then scamper away when he could, locking the bathroom door and purging. He had to. He just had to.
And he was scared, no doubt. Deep down he knew it wasn’t normal, wasn’t healthy, wasn’t okay. He knew he had an eating disorder and he knew that was bad. But he didn’t give a shit, not as long as he was still flawed, still ugly, still worthless. Not as long as he was alone, without Louis.
It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
And one day it all changed, his illusion, his life, his secret, it all changed. It all crashed down around him. He forgot to lock the door. How stupid could he get? He’d been in a haste, out to dinner with the boys and Simon, a rare occurrence.
And he’d had to eat, had to have a ridiculously fattening meal and it had been churning in his stomach on the way back, making him feel guilty and sick and terrible. And he’d gotten home with Louis and walked right up the stairs, needing it gone, needing it out, needing to have that familiar emptiness back. Needing to keep trying to be perfect.
And he didn’t lock the door. And it swung open mid-heave, fingers still shoved down his throat, and a gasp was heard and that was it. He knew it was over. Knew his secret was gone and his life would be hell (as if it wasn’t already) and he just wiped his mouth and sat back slowly, not bothering to defend himself. It was over.
He looked up and Louis had tears in his eyes, a clear question on his face. Harry’s silence answered for him. Louis cried. Louis sank to his knees and kissed Harry’s fringe and asked him questions, ones he didn’t answer, and then he cried too because he was so, so tired. He just wanted to be perfect.
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Louis eventually helped him up off the floor and handed him his toothbrush wordlessly, disappearing out the door. Harry nodded at himself in the mirror, figuring Louis didn’t want to be around him anymore. Gross, weak, pathetic, broken, worthless. He brushed his teeth and when he left the room, Louis was standing in the hallway, bag of animal crackers in his hand.
Harry shook his head. He walked away. He wasn’t eating them. They wouldn’t help him be perfect. The emptiness could do that.
But Louis followed him. Louis followed him into his room, shut the door and clambered into bed beside him, arms wrapping around Harry’s frame warmly, and the irony of it all, the fact that he’d wanted Louis so badly and then he had him, but not how he wanted? It crushed him.
He cried again, into Louis’ neck and the older boy ‘shh’ed him softly, drawing circles on his back with delicate fingers, steady heartbeat under Harry’s ear, kisses like snowflakes to his hair and cheeks.
And he wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t perfect, but it was somewhat okay, somewhat what he wanted. He sighed, knowing his life would soon be hellish.
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
Louis handled him softly, opened the bag of animal crackers with silent tears on his cheeks and offered him one. Harry shook his head like a child, not able to form words of protest. He couldn’t do it.
“Shh, I’m here. We’re gonna do this together, honey.” Louis said softly, nearly a whisper and though he cried more, Harry tried to believe those words because he was so tired of everything. Lou wiped those tears away gently, so gently.
Louis lifted the animal cracker again, looking pathetically hopeful, and Harry wanted to. He wanted to eat it, to make Louis happy. But he couldn’t make himself do it.
“I need to be perfect.” He whimpered, shoving Louis’ hand away.
As soon as the words left his lips Louis began to cry, shaking his head. He studied Harry’s face, and then wondered aloud. “Oh, oh baby. What has the world done to you? You’re so perfect, Hazza darling, you’re so, so perfect.”
Harry shook his head, because no, that was wrong, he wasn’t anywhere near perfect yet. “Not good enough.” He sniffled. “I’m not good enough yet.”
“Harry…Hazza no, what are you on about? You’re perfectly good enough, you’re amazing.” Louis told him, peppering his face with little kisses.
“Not enough for you.” He whispered, but Louis heard, and pulled away with a choked sob.
It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
“Me? Oh my…oh my god. Harry, no, no you didn’t do this for me, did you? No, baby, no…” Louis stuttered, tears spilling over, and Harry simply sighed, leaving the silence as his clear answer.
“Hazza, you need to listen to me right now.” Louis instructed, and Harry braced himself for the inevitable rejection. Maybe if he kept starving himself after this Louis might change his mind and-
“I love you.” Lou said, and Harry snapped back to reality with a quick inhale. “Curly, you’re the most important person in the world to me. I can’t believe you…no, no baby never again, you hear? You’re mine, I’m going to take care of you, you’re going to be just fine because you’re already so perfect, so incredible, god I love you honey, I love you so much.”
Harry let the sobs fall from his mouth as he curled into Louis’ embrace, the words surrounding him and drowning out the terrible voice inside his head, until he could barely hear it at all.
“You don’t h-have to-”
“No, stop that right now. This isn’t pity. I’ve loved you for months. I can’t stand to see you like this, I can’t do it. You deserve the world at your fingertips, not this…hatred. No, never again Haz, never. You’re so perfect, so gorgeous, so smart and kind and beautiful. And you can’t even see it…oh babe, shh, I’m never letting you feel like this again.” Louis shushed.
La La La La La La La La
He held up the animal cracker again but Harry wasn’t used to just eating like that, he wasn’t used to it so he shook his head and-
And then there were lips on his, soft and warm, caring and gentle, kind and coaxing. So he fell apart, let his resolve drop, shut out the voice in his head and kissed back.
And when Louis held up the animal cracker he ate it, shedding a few happy tears and the pride in Louis’s smile.
If he ate one, he got a kiss. Tried to deny it and he got nothing. He was in love with Louis and those kisses, so he ate half the bag and Louis at the other half, until it was empty and Louis hugged him, whispering in his ear happily.
“You did it, you’re so brave, I love you so much sweetie, shh, you did so good, you’re so strong and amazing, I’m so in love with you.”
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee
Harry fell asleep in Louis’ arms, stomach full for the first time in months. He didn’t wake up due to extreme hunger for the first time in weeks. No nightmares for the first time in days. He snuggled into Louis’ arms, knowing he had him, and dropped off with a smile on his face.
When he awoke, he was alone, and fear crept into his heart. Louis doesn’t want you. The voice was back and louder than ever, because it was right. He tumbled out of bed, tears in his eyes and ran to the bathroom. He knew it was too late to make himself throw up, but he needed to look in the mirror, masochistic as it may have been.
Needed to go back to how he was before he broke. He looked at his reflection and pulled off his shirt to stare, pinching the skin between his fingers. He was skinny, sure. His ribs were clearly showing. But still. Not good enough.
“Don’t you dare.” Came Louis’ voice and Harry spun to see him in the doorway, two mugs in his hand.
“I thought…I can’t…” Harry stuttered, biting his lip in an effort not to cry.
“You thought wrong. And you can. Because I’m here with you, Curly. I made breakfast and you’re going to eat it. Don’t worry, it’s just some fruit and coffee. I did some research about eating disorders and all that, so I know you’ll feel less guilty if the food is less fattening. As well, we’ll take baby steps and slowly get you back to normal. Okay?” Louis said, and Harry finally let himself break.
Louis barely had time to set the mugs down on the counter before catching Harry in his arms as he nearly collapsed, crying once again into the older boy’s neck, hating himself. He took a long time to calm, but Louis didn’t mind, just whispered small nothings in his ear and rubbed his back soothingly. When Harry pulled back, he tried to explain, but was cut off.
“Shh, I know, I know baby. Let’s go and eat.” Louis said cupping his cheek with a shy smile, and Harry grabbed one of the mugs and followed him without arguing, small hope blooming in his heart.
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar
“Come on, can’t you eat a little more? I know it’s scary, but you need to eat. It’s healthy for you, I promise.” Louis begged, holding out the fork with a strawberry on it.
Harry had already eaten seven pieces, and he found that the voice saying seven pieces too many was much quieter than Louis’ encouraging tone. Still, looking at the food in front of him made his stomach twist uncomfortably. Apparently it showed, because Louis moved around the table to straddle his hips, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
“I believe in you. Just one more bite, and we’ll be done. Can you do that for me, sugar?” Louis asked, and though it tore him up inside, Harry nodded because he’d do anything for Louis.
Louis instead put the strawberry between his own teeth, smile reaching his eyes as he leaned close. Harry got the message and managed to grin, closing the gap and taking it into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, and as a reward, Louis leaned close and kissed him deeper, tongue dipping in to taste the delicious fruit.
He pulled back with a content sigh.
“Good job, Hazza.”
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Throughout the day, they were inseparable. Louis held Harry tight as they watched tv. He made lunch but Harry couldn’t do it. He’d already eaten more during breakfast than he normally did in one day, sometimes two. So Louis sighed, but let him skip, eating the bagels himself and letting Harry pick the next movie.
They went through Grease, Ferris Bueller, The Breakfast Club, Rocky Horror. It was their ‘classic, totally awesome movie day’ as Louis then dubbed it, and though neither knew, it would become tradition. Harry curled up in Louis’ lap, seeking comfort as he realized that he was going to have an uphill battle from there on out. Louis interlaced their fingers and the worry dulled.
By dinner time, Harry was nervous. Very nervous. He didn’t want to eat. It wasn’t his fault, he really did want to please Lou, but he just…
“I know, babe. But it’ll be okay. We’ll have something small, yeah? No need to go full Niall if we don’t have to.” Louis winked. “What would you like? Anything you want, whatever you think you can handle.”
Harry pondered it, for the first time in months, thought about what he would eat. “Just…can we just have some pasta? With tomato sauce? The low fat kind.” Harry asked hopefully, and Louis broke into a bright grin, nodding enthusiastically.
“Of course, bub. And every bite you take, you get a kiss.”
Harry ate nearly a whole bowl, and true to his word, Louis kissed him for every forkful.
They lay out on the balcony, playing with their fingers as Harry fought down his urges.
You ate too much, you’re going to be fat, worthless, he’ll change his mind, he won’t want you anymore, you need to get rid of it.
“I want to throw up.” He admitted to Louis softly, heart twinging at the heartbreak in Lou’s eyes.
But Louis snogged him until he couldn’t breathe, and the voice soon disappeared altogether, if just for a little while. Harry wanted to lay out there kissing Louis forever, because it made him realize one very clear thing.
Maybe, he didn’t need to be perfect, as long as he had the gorgeous blue eyed boy with him.
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
I cried😭 okay so as most of you know the first concert of the tour was yesterday in Columbia🎉
I was one of those suckers that fell for the 'Livestream' that was suppose to 'happen'.
But yanno it didn't bc it was fake😑
I HAD TO WATCH IT THROUGH SIX SECOND VINES ON INSTAGRAM WHOEVER DID THAT TOO I FEEL YOUR STRUGGLE OKAY?