Have you ever been so emotionally deprived that you don't wanna do anything?
And you feel like you're just so depressed that you're just drowning in sorrow?
Like nothing in your life ever goes as planned and that sucks.
Like you've always been the bad guy, and you've always been the odd ball out and you hate it so much you can't take it.
You know you're not useless, but there are people who are just so much better than you at everything.
Like you know you're not ugly, but everyone else is better looking. It sucks. It sucks so badly.
And then everyday you wake up thinking that hopefully, today will be better than yesterday, but then it's really not.
It's either the same old thing, or something worst. I hate it so much. I wish I could just change everything.
I wish things could be just a bit better. Then one day I'll wake up, and I'll be a happier person.
I'd wake up, I'll be able to style my hair nicely. I wouldn't have this Brillo hair anymore. I wouldn't look like crap all the time. I could go outside and smile at the sun. I'd be able to say hello to people.
If I were a bit prettier id have more self confidence. I'd feel determined to do things. I wouldn't feel so compelled not to do it because of my current appearance or because of my never ending self-shame.
I'd be a restful person if I didn't have to worry about my families financial situation. It's only my mom, and she can't even find a job and support the three of us. On top of that, she won't let me work to help her out. The little child support my father gives us isn't enough for us.
It would be a different day if we didn't have to move every year. If my mom had a husband. If I actually had friends. I think that counts for most of my depression. I have no friends who are equally yoked like me. I don't even have friends who we share things in common. I spend most of my days lonely with no one to talk to. Once in a while, I have my very few friends I talk to. But that's it. I don't see anyone, I don't talk to anyone. I wish I had a best friend. It's all I really want. Someone who's a lot like me. Someone who I can trust. Someone who will be there for me.
And although I don't have the things I need to be happy, I always look towards the future. I always wake up the next day expecting something. I always say "Today is the day". And when nothing happens, yeah I get sad, but I wait until the next day. I always have hope for the future. I only have two more years to endure. Just two.
And I couldn't be any happier.