Habits (Stay High) by Tove Lo
Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my daytime
Loosen up the frown,
Make them feel alive
I'll make it fast and greasy
I'm on my way too easy
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
I heaved the contents of my stomach into the club restroom.
“Jesus Christ Syd, what have you been doing?” Vic asked as she pulled my hair out of my face.
“Nothing just-“I started before I heaved again.
“Oh my God, your nose,” she said pointing at it as I got up.
“What about it?” I asked wiping it and with it came a red streak.
“It’s obviously bleeding. Have you been snorting cocaine?” she asked as she handed my paper towels.
I ignored her questions as I pinched the bridge of my nose to stop the bleeding.
“Oh my God you have, what else have you been doing?” she accused.
“Nothing, I’ve been doing nothing,” I shouted as I threw away the paper towels once it stopped.
“Yes you have, why? You’re putting your career at risk,” she said softly.
“It was just one time okay? I only tried it once, and I was just curious,” I said.
“That’s a fucking lie, your nose gave you away, and you’ve been this way for two months now. What else?” she demanded.
“Nothing,” I insisted.
“Bullshit, I saw you taking at least four glitter pills,” she accused.
“Okay well that was just tonight. It hasn’t even kicked in yet, besides you’re the one always saying to let loose and to have fun,” I retorted.
“I can’t believe you,” she scoffed before leaving me in the bathroom alone.
I rolled my eyes and went back into the crowded club. I neared the bar and waited until a bartender neared me.
“What can I getcha sweetie?” he asked, his blue eyes sparkling.
“Give me a Screaming Orgasm,” I ordered confidently.
“I definitely give you that,” he said winking as he prepared my drink in front of me.
“I’m sure you could, but the question is am I willing to wait until your shift is over?” I said as he handed me my drink.
“You don’t have to baby girl,” he said as he took off his apron and whispered a few words to one of his co-workers who nodded and patted his back.
I threw back the drink and the glitter pills kicked in. The lights seemed brighter than before and the bartenders brown hair and blue eyes seemed like the prettiest combination on a man I had ever seen. He wasn’t bad looking, or at least I hoped that wasn’t because of the drugs or drinks.
“You’re so fucking cute,” I giggled as I ran of my hands down his face as he led me to the corner of the club.
“We’ll see if I’m still cute in a few minutes,” he said gliding his nose down my jaw line.
Every time he touched me it sent sparks flying everywhere, I knew it wasn’t because I was into him since I could actually see sparks coming off his hands when he groped me.
“Take me to your place,” I whispered as I couldn’t contain what I felt inside any longer.
I grabbed my purse feeling the first glitter pill fade away, which meant feeling numb again. As we were in the cab I dry swallowed another two that instantly kicked in. I giggled the whole way to his place and let myself be touched and kissed by this strange man whose name I didn’t even want to know.
The rest of the night was a blur of more drinks and lines of cocaine and letting him take me on his kitchen island time and time again until I forgot what my name was. I couldn’t remember where I was or who I was tangled with on the tile floor next to a kitchen island. I rubbed my nose before untangling myself and quickly putting on my clothes. He stirred and tiptoed to the bathroom to call a cab. After calling a cab I looked into the mirror and I wiped away my faded lipstick and smeared eyeliner and mascara. I looked around and quickly recognized all the bathroom decorations. My breath caught in my throat before I peered out and looked into the hallway. I tiptoed out until I reached the kitchen where he continued to snore lightly. I cursed when I saw who exactly it was laying on the floor. Eric’s brother, Michael. But why was he working as a bartender? I didn’t even care. I cleared my throat in hopes of waking him up. He stirred again before rubbing his eyes of sleep.
“Hey, uh sorry what’s your name again?” he asked sitting up.
“It’s me,” I said as his eyes widened.
“Oh dear God, I swear I didn’t know it was you,” he said standing up and slipping on his boxers.
“I didn’t either,” I admitted sitting on the couch.
“Please don’t tell Eric, I didn’t even know, I was just trying to make some money since I got kicked out of my place, and I was just- oh my God,” he said running his hands through his hair.
“I won’t as long as you don’t tell him, I gotta go. Just forget it was ever me,” I begged as I walked to the front door.
“How can I? I just fucked my brother’s ex-girlfriend,” he shouted.
“In our defense he did cheat on me so think of it as getting even, even if I didn’t know it was you,” I said sheepishly.
“Either way-“ he started.
“Just forget it was ever me. This never happened. My cab is outside, I really have to go. It was nice seeing you?” I offered.
“You too, have a great day. Hey wait. Here’s my number,” he said giving me a piece of paper with ten digits on it.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.
“Just to catch up and if you ever need a little more hook-up, from what I hear you’re into that these days,” he said winking.
I rolled my eyes before getting into the cab and sliding down the seat. The driver took me home and I stumbled into the living room and upstairs into my room. I heard shuffling outside my door and an angry Victoria barged in.
“Knock much?” I scoffed.
“You have a problem,” she said her fists clenched.
“With you barging in, yeah,” I retorted.
“You can’t keep doing what you’re doing,” she spat.
“I can too,” I said sitting up on my bed.
“You can’t, you’re gonna end up in the morgue at work at the pace you’re going,” she said sitting in front of me.
“I won’t calm down,” I said rolling my eyes.
“You’re not taking me seriously Syd,” she said.
“I’m not because I don’t have a problem,” I said angrily.
“Yes you do, and until that’s fixed I don’t think you should live here,” she said.
“You’re kicking me out because I like to have fun?” I shouted.
“I’m kicking you out so maybe you’ll straighten out, I want you out no later than tomorrow,” she said standing up and walking to the door.
“You’re seriously kicking me out?” I asked.
“Yeah until you get your shit together I don’t want you here. I care about you, there are so many people that care about you and you let one stupid man tear you down,” she said sadly.
I kept quiet and thought her words through. I was trying so hard to forget him I forgot myself. I let him win because I certainly wasn’t winning by snorting my way to death.
Three months later
I had just gotten out of the shower when a wave of nausea hit me. I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and heaved whatever I had eaten that morning into it. Eli rushed in to check on me, which still felt funny although we lived together.
“Are you okay? Do you need me to call work?” he asked.
“I’m fine, the omelet didn’t agree with my stomach today,” I said as I finished brushing my teeth.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go into work today,” he said pulling me closer.
“I am fine, if it happens again I won’t go or I’ll leave early okay?” I said as he kissed me sweetly.
In the past couple months I had gotten my act together, realizing I needed to do better not only for myself but for those around me. I waited for the hospital elevator to stop on my floor when another wave of nausea hit me and I tried to hide my heaves. I ran pushing anyone out of my way to reach the locker room bathrooms, where I threw up whatever was left of my breakfast. I spent the rest of the work day feeling dizzy and heaving nothing into a toilet.
My phone buzzed with a new text when my shift was over.
I hope you’re feeling better. I’ll pick you up in ten ok? I’m taking you out. Xoxo
I quickly combed through my hair and applied minimal make-up before heading down to the lobby to wait for him.
“This is a better look than one you were sporting at the bar,” a voice said from behind me.
“What are you doing here Michael?” I asked crossing my arms over my chest.
“Didn’t you hear? I landed a job as the new head of General Surgery. Thanks to Eric that is,” he said smirking.
“Ready to go?” Eli said as he neared me pulling me into a kiss.
“Yeah, have a nice night,” I called out to Michael as we left.
This was definitely not my day.
(Oh no, he's baaaaack. ): Anyway thanks so much for the awesome support, I hope you guys have a great day! Don't forget to comment, like, favorite, fan and add to your reading lists!! Xoxo, Vic.)