Lexi and I lay on her bed together for awhile after Ben leaves. I can't believe he would do this now. After 8 years. Why? Alexis just lays beside me with her head buried against my chest, crying. My heart is breaking for her. I don't know what to say or do, to make this any better.
"I don't know what I did that was so bad mom...", she sobs.
"What do you mean Lexi?"
"That he didn't want me... There has to be a reason? Do you think if I would of been born a boy he would of stayed...", she asks, sniffling.
"No Lexi, I don't think it would of mattered..."
"Maybe I'm just not loveable...", she whispers. I pull her close as tears flood my face.
"Of course you're lovable! Don't ever think that..."
"Can I come in?", Zayn whispers, from the door. I nod and he crosses over to Lexi's side of the bed and sits next to her. "Lexi, some people are just not good at loving other people, and some people just, don't know how. Nobody ever really showed them..." he says, his eyes fixed on mine.
"Like when my mom showed me how to tie my shoes?", she sniffles.
"Sort of...", he answers, with a small smile. We sit with her for about an hour until she finally drifts off to sleep.
"How long has he been back?", I whisper.
"Just this morning, Harry got a text from him asking him to meet. He didn't think he should go alone so Niall and I went to...", he explains.
"He found out I was with Harry and probably thought he'd won the lottery! He didn't come back for us, he wanted money...Right?"
"10,000 pounds...", Zayn whispers, dropping his gaze away from mine.
"Please tell me you didn't give him any..."
"I was going to...on the condition that he leave without seeing you or Lexi, but Harry and Niall convinced me not to...", he says, playing with the 'Links of London' bracelet on his wrist.
"Why?", I ask. He sucks a deep breath in through his teeth, before meeting my gaze again.
"Because I want you to trust me. I want you to let me in. I want you to let me love you...", he says.
"Zayn, I can't..."
"I know you feel it. That day in car when I held you. The night we played Twister. When we argue. When we laugh. When I touch you...", he says.
"Stop... You have Perrie!", I sob, getting up from Lexi's bed and running into my own room. I feel like I c-can't breath. Why is he doing this?!
"Perrie and I broke up last night. Please don't run away... Talk to me...", he says, grabbing my elbow and turning me to face him. "Faith, you're so afraid to repeat your own past mistakes, you won't let anyone near you...or Alexis...", he says.
"Don't you understand, it's not just me anymore!", I say, sobbing, breaking free of his hold.
"Stop using Lexi as your excuse...", he says.
"Fine then, just accept that I don't feel that way about you!"
"Tell me you don't think about me when your lying in bed at night. Tell me you don't toss and turn and wonder 'what if'...", he says, his eyes burning into mine. His hands wrap around my arms and pull me close.
"I do wonder Zayn... and it scares me... I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I see when I look at you, I'm scared of how I act when you're around, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room, out of this house, and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you, but I've already been with someone who would sell out his family and friends for something better. I can't do that again..."
"I would never do that to you or Alexis...", he whispers
"How do you know? Who's to say, if someone better comes along, I won't end up just like Perrie..."
"God, you're the most IMPOSSIBLE woman I have ever met!", he shouts, breaking his hold on me and stepping back. He runs his hand through his hair, a look of mild contemplation on his face, like he's wondering what his next course of action should be. I'll make it easier for him. I take a step back giving him the clearance he needs to walk out the door. But he doesn't, and what happens next takes me by complete surprise. He walks slowly towards me. My heart is pounding in my ears, my blood pumps violently through every inch of my body as he stares at me with dark eyes. My breath hitches in my throat as he reaches up and gently runs his fingers down my cheek to my chin. I swallow hard. His eyes flicker back and forth between my eyes and my lips, waiting, as if asking for permission. He leans in closing the space between us, and kisses me. His lips are demanding, firm and slow, molding mine. I've never been kissed like this before. I've never felt this way before.