I answered the phone and heard the heavy panting of the scared little girl on the other end of the line. As I registered who it was, it was then that her broken voice called out to me. “Emma!”
“Elsie? What’s wrong, honey?”
I could gear a big bang in the background and that was followed by some yelling. I would know that yell anywhere. I was already putting my homework down on the coffee table and going to find my shoes. “They came over, Emma.” Elsie whispered in a shaky voice.
Oh for fucks sake, shit! As soon as my shoes were on, I was out the door. “Do you know what they wanted?” I was already in my car at this point. He lived about 5 minutes way and I hopped I would be able to get there before he hurts himself. I hated when he did that, even though I knew he couldn’t really control it.
“They wanted me back, but I don’t want to go Emma!” She said frantically and I could already tell she was crying.
“You don’t have to go, Elsie. I promise. Where are you?”
“I am in my room with the door locked like you said.”
“Okay, good girl.” I panted out as I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s not that I think Harry would hurt her intentionally. He would never, ever do that! However, he isn’t himself when this happens. I mentally prepared mysef on the way there for seeing the man I love so deeply, act so destructive. He wasn’t normally like that. Sure he could get on my nerves every once in a while, and he can get in some seriously pissy moods, but he was a good man and he was my everything.
“I am right outside, I will be up in a second okay?” Hurriedly I made my way out of the car.
“Okay.” She said. I opened the front door of the apartment building with the key I had. I ran up the stairs to the third floor and went to open the front door. It was locked, so I just used my key. I took a steadying breath when I saw the condition of the apartment. Oh god. Vases, picture frames, glasses and lamps were broken on the floor. The couch and the coffee table were flipped over and I saw a speck of blood on the hardwood floors. He wasn’t in the living room, so I ran to go find him, since I knew Elsie would be safe, albeit a little scared, for the time being. I went to his room and found him there. The standup mirror that was in there was now shattered all over the floor.
Harry was standing in front of it. His hands were bloody... his shoulders moving up and down with the deep breaths he was taking. He didn’t know I was there; he was just looking at himself in what was left of the mirror. He pulled back his fist to strike again, but I intervened.
“Harry, stop!” I yelled as I ran over to him. He flinched away from me as soon as I put my hand on his shoulder. He flinched away so fast he lost his balance and fell against the wall.
After he looked at me his eyes filled with pain and embarassment and of course the anger.
“Emma.” He said, like I was a ghost.
I took a step towards him. “Baby... what did you do?” My voice cracked because I wish he never had to feel like this. He started to panic as I got closer to him, and he avoided my grasp and walked past me to the door side of the room. “Harry... please.”
“Just fucking leave, Emma.” He yelled and my chest burned.
“I am not going anywhere.”
“Then you must be pretty fucking stupid them.” You would think him saying something like that would hurt me. Well it does, but it also comforted me in a sick and twisted way. It comforted me because I knew that when he said stuff like that, it wasn’t my Harry. He was in there. But that’s when he needs me most, because he has no control. Maybe I have been doing too much research, but it comforted me to know there was hope for him.
“Come on, we need to clean up your hands.” I said as I walked toward him again. I wasn’t ever afraid of him even in this state... I love him.
“Just let me bleed.” He said and moved away from me once again.
“Harry... Stop.” I said with more force and grabbed onto his arms. He tried pushing me away, but I wasn’t having it. I had him cornered against the wall, and I knew that I had won because even in this condition, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I put my hands up to either side of his face to get him to pay full attention to me. As my hands pressed against his sweating face I thanked God that I was able to touch him like this now. I remember a time when he would flinch away at my touch and get so uncomfortable because he didn’t know what affection was and how to accept it. My poor Harry.
I saw his anger slowly fade away as he stared into my eyes and I was glad I could have that affect on him. “They can’t take her, Emma.” His voice was laced with his desperation.
“They won’t, Harry. They won’t.” I said and ran my hand gently down the side of his face, comforting him.
“I don’t want her to turn out like me.” His voice cracked at the last word and a tear fell from his eyes. “She has to be better than me.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me as he cried. He wrapped his arms around me, and leaned on me for support. He was probably getting blood all over my shirt, but I didn’t care.
“Ssh.” I said into his ear, whilst rubbing his back. “There is nothing wrong with you, Harry. There is absolutely nothing wrong.”
I won't ever be too far away to feel you
And I won't hesitate at all
Whenever you call
And I'll always remember
The part of you so tender
I'll be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call
And I will breathe for you each day
Comfort you through all the pain
Gently kiss your fears away
You can turn to me and cry
Always understand that I
Give you all I have inside
Mariah Carey - Whenever You Call