I got a call from my old hook up girls sister Nia. She said there was something I had to pick up.
I knocked on the door waiting for it to open and when it did, Liam stood before me. "Hey," I said and he opened the screen. "Long time, no talk." He said and I nodded "Yeah." "Come in." I walked in beside him and looked around at their house. Seemed like forever since I've last been in here. I was with her the last time I was. It was when I said I don't believe in marriage or love. She was so upset. She loved me so much.
I looked at Liam. "How's she been?" I asked Liam about Nia. "Better since you last seen her." Last I saw of Nia, she was a miserable wreck. "Does she blame me?" I asked and Liam shook his head. "No. She never did, mate." Liam said patting me on the back and leading me into the living room where Nia was with a box.
I walked up to Nia and held out my arms. Nia go up and smiled “Hey sweetie.” I smiled and hugged her tight. “Hey, how have you been, beautiful?” I asked her and she nodded and looked down. “I’ve been doing good. Today is pretty rough.” she rubbed her forehead. “Daddy…” I heard a little girl voice and I looked around to see a pretty blue eyed, dark hair girl and she clung onto Liam’s leg. She looked at Liam and smiled. “I’m thirsty.” “Who’s this?” Nia spoke, “That’s mine and Liam’s adopted daughter.” I nodded and smiled at her. "I didn't know you guys adopted." The little girl stared at me as she stayed hidden behind Liam's leg. "Yes, her names Marae." Nia said and I looked up. "Pretty name." I smiled.
"So what do you have?" I asked. Nia pulled out a box as I watched. "I've had this for ages," she said taking the top off. "But I feel I should be giving it to you." She pulled out a little brown book with drawings and words on it. I sat down on the couch across from Nia.
She held onto the book and stared at me. "You know what today is, right?" I played with the ring on my finger and looked at her. "The anniversary of her death." I said. Nia sighed and looked down at the book. "I know what you and my sister had was a fling to you, but I know it meant more to her. It was real to her. You were the only thing she lived for." I looked down at my ring and sighed.
"Which is why I'm giving you this." She said holding up the book and I looked up. "It's her journal and every page is about you." I raised my eyebrows, "Every page?" She nodded. "It's all your guys' intimate moments, everything you said, how she saw the future and how she felt about it. She goes into detail quite a bit." She handed over the book and I reached out and took it. I held it in my hands and stared at it. What was I suppose to do with a journal? I hate reading to begin with.
"Why are you exactly giving me this?" I asked her opening the lock. "I feel like you'll understand how she felt and you'll know who she was." Nia said. The front had been drawn on and written on in a black marker. I didn't know exactly how I felt about reading a dead girls journal. Especially when it's about me.
"You might understand why she did what she did." She said softly. I pressed my lips together and licked them. "Yeah," I got up with the journal in my hand and opened my arms to hug her. "Thanks for this, I guess." I patted her on the back. "You're welcome to come by anytime, Harry. Just remember that." I nodded and released her.
I walked across to the park after I left Nia's. This place was full of good memories with her.
I sat under the tree where we first kissed and sighed. I took out the journal and looked at it. "Oh Renée," I looked up and whispered. "you left a little too early, babe." I said and undid the strap and a picture fell out of me and her. I picked it up and memories clouded my mind. She had her arms around my neck and her head was on my shoulder. I smiled as I saw the warm grin on her pretty face. She was so very sweet and so innocent.
I'm 20 years old and writing in a journal like I'm 15. But that's okay, because I need to get my thoughts down somewhere.
I met this guy at my sisters today. Harry Styles. Even his name is beautiful. Harry is a very beautiful man. He kept smiling at me before coming up and speaking to me. He's a friend of my sisters boyfriend Liam. He introduced us tonight. Harry had a British accent to die for. So proper and the way he verbalized words.
We snuck out of the house after wards and hung out at the park. Harry and I flirted a lot and he was kind of touchy. He had me pinned up against the tree with my legs around his waist as we kissed. I've never been kissed like that before and it made me feel good.
I don't know how Nia would feel about this if she knew we kissed and I won't say anything to get my hopes up and have them crushed. We didn't do anything but kiss, no matter how much I wanted to.
I looked up from the journal and pressed my lips together. I wanted to do more with her that night, but I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I remember looking at her like she was the only one I could see. She was the most beautiful girl I had seen at the time. She smiled at me and I had a sort of bubbly feeling in my stomach from her. I still remember that feeling perfectly.
I looked back down at the journal and continued to read her story about me.
...Harry was the best kisser. I could of kissed him all night and I very much would of. Nia kinda came out though looking for us and we had to stop. He looked back and put me down and wiped my lip gloss off his lips and smiled at me. I smiled back at him and he told me I was adorable. When I asked why, he brought his hand up to my face, and his thumb brushed across my bottom lip and he smiled. I felt weak and I instantly knew I could fall for him. I just had that feeling.
I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut. "Dammit." I mumbled shutting the journal. Why did I do what I did to her? I ignored everything. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I brought my hand up to my face and I rubbed my eyes. "Harry?" I heard my name come out of Liam's mouth and I looked up. "Hey," I said getting up and holding the journal in my hand. "You alright, mate?" I looked down at the journal "Yeah, I'm just reminiscing big time, you know?" I looked up at Liam and he nodded. "Yeah," he patted my shoulder "I know. Nia debated on giving it to you, but she just felt like you should have it." I sighed. I understood why she wanted me to have it. "I'm glad she did, but at the same time-" "You wish she didn't." Liam finished and I nodded at the ground. "Because I know I shouldn't of done what I did." He patted my back this time and we started to walk toy car. "We all know that, Harry."
We reached my car and I opened the door to lay the journal in the passenger seat, where she sat so many times. Her hair blowing in the wind as she would look over at me and smile that beautiful smile. So many memories of her were in this car. I looked back at Liam and stood up straight as I grabbed my car door. "Well, thanks, mate." Liam nodded. "It was good to see you again. You need to come around more often." "Yeah, I will start doing that. I just thought you guys blamed me for what happened." I ran my fingers over the cold door of the car. "No one ever did." I nodded and felt Liam bring me into a hug. "Don't think it was." I nodded and patted his back. "Thanks bro." Liam nodded and soon released me. I hopped in the driver seat of my car and put the keys in the ignition. "Be careful, man." Liam said and I nodded. "You too." I reached and shut the door. I waved to Liam as he walked back to the house.
I started the car up and my radio turned on and at that moment. "Beside You" by 5 Seconds Of Summer began playing. This was her favorite band and one of her favorite songs by them.
I reached to turn it but I stopped. I had looked over and saw her. She was in the 5SOS crop top that we had gotten her at the 5SOS concert that I took her to last summer and short shorts and her black converse. She looked so beautiful as her smile came across her face and she looked at me with her beautiful green blue eyes. I knew I had to be seeing things. I reached over to touch her and I felt her soft skin of her face. For a moment, I knew what it was like to touch her again. I smiled back at her and leaned in to kiss her, but she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I stared back at her and she looked over at the radio. "My heart wants to come home..." I looked over, too and then back at her. "This was our song." she looked back at me and then down at our hands. "I'm sorry." I said softly and she looked up with a small smile on her face. Her hands touched my face and she pulled me into her. My head rested on her shoulder as she held me in her arms. Just like she used to do when I used to get sad. She was the only one who could make me feel better.
"I wish I was, I wish I was beside you." I closed my eyes and wanted to say more to her. But I didn't know what to say. I wanted to apologize more, because I will never be sorry enough for what happened. "She lies awake, trying to find the words to say..." I looked up and she was gone.
Was I going insane?