It is hot today so I wanted to wear shorts but when i put them on i didn't relise how noticeable my scars where, i can't even wear short leave shirts or singlets anymore. I cant were dresses. I noticed to day my waist is thinner when i put my shorts on, my tummy doesnt roll when i sit anymore. Im in a good mood right now.
I dont want to cut or burn myself or anything but people have noticed lately something i havent; i dont eat when i stop selfharming so i think i might be replacing cutting with starving myself well, i dont actually stop eatting i still have dinner just not breaky or lunch or any snacks.
I stop drinking water too. Why do I replace my self harm methods? I forget why I even started hurting mysef. It was years ago I stated and i guess its just an addiction that controlls my mind now. I can go through the day smiling but when i go to bed i want to cry and cut so badly. Ive been getting caried away with it now.
Start will one cut then two cuts and then when they stop bleeding I go crazy i guees and just repetably cut. I am still in my shorts now writing this on my laptop and i can see ive been scratching my legs lately and they're red and scabbed. I dont even remember scratching my legs lately. I used to have nice olive skin but lately its been getting pale. my hands are still olive and my face and neck but the rest isnt.
i have work tomorrow and i have to hid my scars from my manager and my custemors too. I love my scars and cuts but i dont want others seeing them, i dont want them to do it or it to be triggering to someone.
my mood has been getting better, but mum thinks thats because i might have a slight case bipolar. i dont know you'll notice my moods, maybe. I'm told that im good at hiding things i dont want others to notice like my adhd and depression. I even hide it from myself.
Easter is in two days, not sure how i feel about that.
Oh and my bracelets, im not allowed to wear any more stupid school rules. even though its school holidays i cant wear them since you have to cut them off :/ some of my cuts are healing but the ones i did the other day when i went crazy not even close.
The last couple of day where hell for me. I've just wanted to cut and cut and cut. I hate my body with a passion. I hate how selfish I am.
I have never seen my mum proud of something I've done before besides being a nice person. I have good grades, yea I guess. I'm kind to everyone, shouldn't everyone? She's never be proud of me like she has to my brothers, they all play soccer and she's always saying how good they are and how proud she is of them.
Am I selfish for thinking this?
I think I am so hurt myself, telling myself how pathetic I am how greedy I am for attention, I scream at myself "Get over yourself, no one cares about you! Deal with it!"
On Thursday I seen a doctor. I told him a lot about myself all while my mother was sitting there. I told him about my cutting and my eating problem and how I hate myself and how I wish I was dead at times.
He gave me medication for my depression. And he's getting me to see a paediatrician. And to see a diet person also apply for CAMS I think it's called. I cried a lot and every time he asked me a question, I owed it to mum to answer truthfully, so I did but I held some back still.
At one stage he had to check my weight and hight and heart weight but do check my heart rate, I had to remove my jacket. I freaked out, mum hadn't seen the cut on my left arm. But so I only removed the right sleeve luckily and she didn't ask to see my cuts.
Unfortunately last night I had the need to cut to fall asleep and it wasn't that bad only small actually but when I lent back my elbow landed on a blade and cut it open and toke a chunk. It's alright now I guess but when It happened I didn't even freak out. I was only worried about getting blood on my bed and sheets. But now I have a first aid kit in my room invade something like that happens again.
I didn't sleep well after that I woke up every hour or a half. I don't know if that was the cut or my meds... We will see tonight.
I think I need more bracelets too. I keep looking at my wrist and want to cut it. I keep imagining doing something bad to it :/
This medication I don't like very well though, I don't feel like me at all. After I have it I have a need to make everything perfect. I get really tired around 2 pm and I'm never hungry, I don't want to eat full stop but I make myself. It's my second day taking it but I'm doing it for you mum.
I hope if my parents ever read this in the future, I don't blame you and I never will. I love you's and the boys with all my heart. If I do take my life promise me, please, that you won't blame yourself.
Today, I've decided to try the butterfly project once more. I've been thinking about how it might affect others and such but the craving to do it more is so strong. I need it to the point I brake down mentally and physically too. I'm hoping this medication will make me actually think before I cut when I see this butterfly on my arm. Mum I'm doing this for you, you've never lost hope in me even when I did in myself. I love you <3