It was getting late but I really didn’t care I think I sat against this tree for 3 hours. I just wanted to forget the world and I wanted to be happy. But how could I live with myself. I’m a disgusting worthless person who doesn’t deserve to live. I started crying again. I just give up they win I’m done.
I ran home and got up the stairs immediately getting in the shower hoping to wash the disgust out of my body. But after an hour the feeling wasn’t gone. I still hated my body and was disgusted by it. while getting ready for bed I made a plan. I’m going to live one day extra so I can say goodbye to my family. Write a note to the people who deserve an explanation and because my parents are away for the weekend I can just leave this earth. I laid on my bed thinking about how peaceful it will be and I smiled. This was jus the right thing to do. You would think that people who want to end their lives feel all depressed when they decide to end it but I read in a magazine those people when they made the decision are happier cause they finally can end it. And the magazine was right I felt happy for once just to know it was all about to end. With that feeling I fell asleep...
My alarm went off and for once in my life I felt relieved. Justin and Chaz can enjoy the last day with me then I’m gone... I did my morning routine and walked down the stairs.
“good morning mom” i smiled at her.
“good morning sweetie”
I sat down and looked at her. She doesn’t know a thing she doesn’t know I was raped how I lost my virginity. If she knew she would probably hate me too.
“so when are you and dad going to the airport?” I asked trying to fake a smile.
“in about an hour. So we are gone when your back from school” she said while doing her hair. I looked at the clock and I had to go to school.
“mom I love you bye”
“tell dad I love him alright?” I said on the verge of crying. Knowing that it all will be over tonight. I turned around and left the house.
“I’m sorry mom and dad” I whispered
I arrived at school. Hoping I wouldn’t see chaz and justin. Cause I am so ashamed and disgusted by myself and seeing them will only make it worse. Please let my last day be a good day. Just when I thought about that chaz and justin came walking my direction. Everything is against me.
“hey slut” chaz whispered in my ear
“so bitch you thought you could run away from us” justin pushed me against the wall.
“no” I whispered with my head down.
“do we have to punish you” I stayed silent
“this will be your worst day ever!” chaz smirked while saying those words.
“ha and my last” I whispered to myself.
Justin looked at me with weird eyes even if he heard me he doesn’t care. I will only make his life better by disappearing. Not only his life but everyone’s life.
Justin still looked at me but his look changed soon from worried to another strange look. I couldn’t make out what emotion but suddenly I was punched in my stomach and I fell to the floor.
“this for even exiting” i heard chaz angry voice saying that’s when I realised he was the one that also punched me. Cause justin still stood in the same position.
I wasn’t going to wait until tonight with ending it.
“alright you win....” I said looking in their eyes.
“what are you taling about?” justin asked.
“you want me gone so that’s what will happen. I will never be good enough for this, never be good enough for anyone. So I will make you all happy. Goodbye forever” and with that I ran as hard as I could. Away from everybody. I already prepared everything. I wrote the letter for my parents and I already had the pills. It’s now or never... I reached home unlocked the door and walked upstairs. I got in my room and sat down on the ground picking up the blade adding the last cuts I could ever make to myself.
They were deeper than ever but I felt numb. There wasn’t a lot of pain. The my door opened and there stood justin. He wanted to see how I killed myself I thought. Why can’t I do this in peace.
“justin you’re sick! Why can’t I do this in peace? I’m done I do the world a favour but please let me do this by myself” he just stood there with a sad expression on his face. I didn’t care anymore i picked up the blade again and made another cut. I picked up the pills.
“goodbye world” I said in silence. And just when I wanted to put them in my mouth. I heard a cry I looked up and saw justin sitting on the ground. Tears rolling down his face.
“what did I do, what did I do” he whispered over and over.
“justin stop and go away” it won’t work keeping me here to just bully me again.
I picked up the pills again I had imagined dying but not in this way not with my bully next to me.
“please please don’t I’m sorry I should be the one dying I deserve this and chaz deserves it but not you. I am the most horrible person ever. I just picked you out to bully because you were so easy to hurt. I am a monster. You are beautiful. Oh god I even saw your cuts I raped you” he walked over to me and grabbed the pills out of my hand. I looked at him in shock. Where did this all come from. I looked at him and he sat down.
“i’m the one who deserves to die” he whispered while looking at the pills. I felt horrible even after what he had done to me he didn’t deserve this.
“no justin you don’t. Give me the pills!” I started to cry harder. Then I heard the pills fall and felt a pair of arms around me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry” he whispered.
“please don’t kill yourself! I’m so sorry I put you through this” he said still crying.
“I can’t forgive you justin it hurts to much, i know I deserved it. but it hurt like hell
“no you didn’t! You never deserved it!” there was a long silence.
“alright I won’t kill myself now but there may be a day when I do” he looked at me and his face came closer to mine. stay away from me!!! don't come any closer!!
“I’m sorry, It’s just the rape.. I can’t ever have sex without thinking about it. Not even kiss someone not that someone will ever love me...” after all that he had done
“I’m sorry” he said again “I know I don’t deserve it but can you please forgive me?”
“ i’m sorry but I can’t it needs time”
“I am going to make it all up to ou I know I can’t erase the memories and the pain but please let me try!” he pleaded.
i can't.... you raped me. you have beaten me for 5 years. i'm sorry.
i understand but i will try and make you forget!!