*5 months later* (Spending some time)
I've been recording a lot of songs this past few weeks... I'm really really tired and i can't handle it anymore. I wanna take a break for a while, but Bob still keeps annoying me by saying i need to go further, and i try to do my best. Fans already noticed i was getting tired more and more, and even on concerts, i'm like hell. I'm not on a tour, because Bob understood i couldn't handle that too.
I've had much support from the boys, Teddy and my parents but it's still not the same. Teddy has been in my house for a week and i'm so happy that she helps me with Jace too. It's so hard and i promised her that she could be like the aunt which she really is. I see in her eyes that she loves to be it and she cares a lot for Jace.I think even more like i do. I feel so bad that Jace needs to live with a mother like me. I'm so bad, even when Harry always says i'm a good mother. I try to do my best.
He's been almost 5 months now and i'm so happy. He's growing up a lot and his eyes are as green as Harry's. They're so beautiful and i can just die by looking into them. Little curls are coming too and it's soooo cute! I know he's gonna steal a lot of hearts from girls like his daddy does.
Only the paps are freaking me out!
When i go for a walk, they're there.
When i'm at home, they're in front of my house! Whatever i do, they're always where i am and it's really annoying. Even when the boys aren't at my house.
Simon already called me, saying the boys would have to go away in a few months. Back to England. It's been on my mind all day and night. I don't know what i'm gonna do when they're away. I need them more than i need someone else. I'm so glad that Harry and the others still care for Jace, even when they're busy.
It's been a little bit hard between Niall's and mine relationship too.... I didn't tell it, but i've been crying for hours now. It's sunday and i'm laying on my bed. The boys went to get food, since they had hungry and they're still not back. My parents are out together. Guess where... Paris.
So only Teddy is here to help me. She's downstairs now because i wanted to be alone for a while..
What i mean for a while, is the whole day ofcourse. I haven't heard Jace so i think Teddy is caring good for him. Do you now understand why i'm a bad mother? I know i am..
I need to give Jace more attention. I need to show him that i'm his mother. But i didn't expect that i'd be a mom so fast. So i don't know how to care for a little kid.
Thinking about all this, still makes me cry more and more. It makes me more depressed. And that's why it doesn't work between Niall and me. I don't even know if we're still a thing... He only needs to know that i still love him with all my heart. Even more than i ever did. It maybe sounds weird, but the more Niall and i have bad times, the more i love him.
After a while, i heard a soft knock on the door. I sighed and turned to the door.
'Come in.', i barely got out of me. My voice was so hoarse because i cried and didn't even talk.
'Hey, baby... Everything alright?', Teddy came in, smiling weakly. I slowly nodded and sat straighten.
'Where's Jace?', i asked and wiped my tears away with the ends of my sweater.
'He's downstairs in his crib. But i cared for him and he's sleeping, so don't worry.'
'Thank you so much, Teddy. I'm happy to have you... I'm so sorry to not care for Ja-'
'Hun, it's alright. I love to care for him, and help you. I know you have a rough time and i'll help you out of this as long as possible. I've no plans so i'll stay here as long as i need to be here.'
'I love you, Teddy.'
'I love you too, Hillary.', she said smiling.
'Can i have a hug?'
I directly grabbed her in a tight hug when she began to cry when she asked it.
'Ssshtt... Everything will be fine... I promise.', i rocked her back and forth and tried to calm her down. I feel so bad for her. She's not great this past few days.. Weeks.. Months...
She doesn't deserve this. This isn't how i actually planned in my mind when she said she wanted to be a singer when she was younger. I thought it would be amazing and i really wanted to hear good things coming out of her mouth. All what i hear are sobs..
'Hey, Hill... I really mean it.. It's gonna be alright..', she slowly nodded and pulled away a bit. Than we heard loud noises. Laughs and talks. I knew who it was so i stood up and walked downstairs after i told Hillary i'd go watch on Jace. The boys probably didn't know that Jace was sleeping. As soon as i got downstairs, Jace began to cry and everyone shut their mouth. I lightly laughed and took Jace in my arms. I rocked him side to side and tried to stop his cries.
'Sorry, we didn't know he was sleepin'.'
'It's alright.', i smiled to Liam. They came closer and i gave Jace to Harry. He smiled proudly and as always, i saw a twinkling in his eyes everytime he holds Jace. It was cute to see them both, and Jace looked so like Harry! And yes, my feelings for Harry are still not over. But did i already mention that i've been close to an old school-friend?... I probably didn't, but yes like i said. I've been close to someone that i've known for a long time. His name is Luke, and no not from 5 Seconds Of Summer, and not from The Janoskians. Just an unfamous guy that is really hot! I can't even believe that he actually likes me too. Well, i assume he does 'cuz he asked me out. I told him i got to here and he was fine with it. He promised he would wait and that we could go out when i got back. He's so sweet and cute!
'I'm going upstairs.', Niall said after a while. We nodded and knew he wanted to go talk with Hillary. We watched Jace again. He's really gonna steal hearts. I know he will.
I slowly went upstairs, hearing soft sobs. I sighed and knew Hillary was crying. This is not the first time i heard or knew it. I felt so bad and that's why i wanted to talk. I wanna talk this out and try.
I don't wanna lose her and i hope she still feels the same. I can't live without her and i hope she knows that. I try to show her everyday, even when i don't see her sometimes because she mostly locks herself in her room. I text her a lot, i spend my messages all on her and i really don't mind. I've been texting her every time when she locks her room. Like yesterday, i sent her like more than 10 messages and she didn't reply. Well it was with iMessage so i saw she read them.
I slowly opened the door without even knock and saw she directly sat up. I smiled weakly, trying to get her smile too but saw she couldn't... That already broke my heart...
'Hi.', her voice was broken. Just like she... Sorry to say but i know she was and i wanted to fix that. I hope talking with her will give her some hope or power..
'Can i sit down?', she nodded and went to the side of her bed a bit. I sat next to her and looked to my hands.
'Can we talk?..'
'Yeah... I think we better do..', she said and watched her hands when i looked up to her.
'I know... We're having a bit troubles in our relationship... But i just wanna try again. I love you. A lot. Probably more than you think. And i hope you know that i'll help you when you're down or whenever there's something wrong. I know what you've been doing this whole day, and other days that went by now and i feel bad for it. That breaks me. Just everything that is not okay with you breaks me. I know how hard it is for you... And i feel so sorry if it's my fault. I know the half of it is my fault that you feel bad...'
She stayed quiet for a while and than sighed.
'I love you too, Niall... And no, nothing is your fault...
I've been thinking about this all day and night.. And i feel so bad to say this, but i think we better take break..'
'W-What?', my head shot up again and my eyes began to get water in them.
'I'm sorry.', she stood up and ran away. She was crying again. My heart broke in thousand pieces.
If that's actually still possible..