"Aunt Amanda I told you this before, I'm not coming back to live with you," I tell my aunt. We're sitting in a diner in Liverpool and my boyfriend, Zayn Malik, is sitting beside me. My sister, Emily, is sitting next to my aunt opposite of me. It's a dreary, typical day in England - rainy and cloudy. The inside of the building is warm and comfy, but right now it seems suffocating.
It's been one month since I've gotten my memory back. One month I've been clean - and the hardest month of my life. Even now, sitting in this public place, it's hard not to reach down on the table and grab the knife before me to drag across my wrist to stop thinking about all of the hurtful memories.
But I'm finding other ways to deal with it. I have Zayn. He's always here for me on my worst days. But it's like people always say, "Your worst days in recovery are better than your best days in relapse". It's not like this path has been great because it really hasn't. There are days where Zayn and I yell and scream at each other because we get into heated fights. But the longest time that our fight has lasted is one day - it's impossible to stay mad at each other.
We still haven't done "the deed" as people would say, we're still keeping it pretty slow. It's almost our two month anniversary - we didn't know when we were really together so we decided that our date was the day we first kissed.
Anyways, I've gotten around to talking to my aunt, meeting up with her once a week at this diner. She knows I'm living with Zayn, but she doesn't know where that is. And I refuse to meet her without either Zayn or Eleanor by my side. Belle has always been my best friend since we were kids and is like a sister to me, but Eleanor is just as close to me, helping me through a lot as well.
I'd take Belle with me for my moral support but I don't think she'd be able to stand up to my aunt and Emily when they tell me to move back "home". "I don't understand why you refuse to move back. I don't even understand why you left to begin with," Aunt Amanda sobs, always being so emotional during these meetings.
I take a deep breath. "I left because I was depressed and had many secrets that I couldn't share, but couldn't hide. Leaving you was better than leaving the world right?" I watch Zayn's knuckles whiten at the mention of suicide.
"Well I don't see why you mutilated your skin," She sighs, taking a sip of her tea. I tense up and look her up and down.
"I think that this meeting is over," I say, completely controlling my voice, and getting up.
"Charlotte wait," My aunt grabs my elbow. "That's not what I meant," She says.
"Yes it is what you meant. Otherwise you wouldn't have said it," I reply coldly, leading the way out of the diner with Zayn behind me.
"Are you okay love?" He asks me, climbing in the driver's side of his Bentley. I draw my knees up to my chest and pull up the sleeve of my jacket, staring absently at my deep, dark scars and tracing my fingers over them. They don't hurt at all anymore, but they are very obvious if I don't have long sleeves or bracelets on. He turns to look at me before starting the car. "Charlotte?" He asks gently. I look over at him and feel my tears start to fall. "Oh doll," He sighs, reaching over to wipe my tears.
"She doesn't understand," I say, putting my head in my knees so he can't see my face. He starts the engine and begins driving back to our flat - yep, it's officially OUR flat. I stop my crying and fix my face while looking through the car mirror.
Zayn reaches over and places his hand on mine which is resting on my knee now. "You're beautiful even when your makeup is running," He tells me.
"Oh shut up," I reply, rolling my eyes and turning up the radio just to hear Zayn and his mates singing my favorite song by them - Little Things. Sometimes, when I have night terrors in the middle of the night, Zayn sings it softly to me, holding me in his arms.
The song ends just as we get back to his flat. I notice a familiar Red car in the driveway - Eleanor is visiting. "That's perfect that she's here because I have to run a few errands," Zayn tells me.
"Okay? I'll see you later then," I reply, kissing him quickly and climbing out of his car.
"Love you," He calls to me as I head up the walk.
"Love you too," I yell back, putting the key in the door and heading inside as he drives away. "What's up girly?" I ask Eleanor, seeing her sitting on the couch.
"I was thinking we could go to Starbucks, get some beverages, and look at sexy guys," She proposes.
"I have a boyfriend you know," I laugh, gesturing to the house.
"As do I. But there's nothing wrong with appreciating a beautiful sight," She points out.
"I guess that's true," I reply. We talk in her car on the way to Starbucks about how the meeting went with my aunt. We spend about an hour and a half sitting in Starbucks, drinking our Frappucinos and looking through magazines about boys.
When we're done she drops me back off at my flat, saying she's late for a date with Louis (her boyfriend). I change from my skinny jeans and leather jacket to a pair of sweatpants and one of Zayn's jumpers.
I grab a blanket from the closet and put in The Notebook, munching on some popcorn while cuddled underneath the blanket and watching the best love movie of all time. Halfway through the movie Zayn comes in and smiles down at me. He picks me up and adjusts me so that I'm laying on top of him on the couch while watching the movie.
"I missed you," I say, resting my chin on my hands which are on his chest.
"I missed you more," He replies, placing his hands on my bum.
"Where'd you go?" I ask.
"Just shopping," He answers, turning to look at the television. I know he's hiding something, but I also know he's not going to tell me. I smile and shake my head, resting my head on his chest and watching the end of the movie.
When the movie ends, we turn on the regular television even though neither of us is paying much attention to it. We're both too busy arguing at the moment. "So that's it? I'm just automatically coming on tour with you?" I ask him.
"Is there something you'd rather do?" He questions harshly. I clamber off of him and bring my empty bowl of popcorn to the sink, knowing he's trailing right behind me.
"You know, I know I'm not 100% stable but that doesn't mean I HAVE to go with you guys on tour," I snap.
"Charlotte your mental stability has nothing to do with you coming on your with us," He replies impatiently.
"Yeah okay Zayn," I retort. "It'd be nice if I had a choice in the matter,"
"You do have a choice!" He responds angrily.
"If I have a choice then why did you already put me on the name list for the tour?" I exclaim, outraged. I push myself up on the island in the middle of the kitchen.
"Because I just assumed that maybe you'd choose to come with us on tour!" He yells infuriated and beginning to walk away.
"Of course I want to!" I yell in reply. He turns around and rushes back towards me. See, this is how our fights normally work. They start with bickering, our volume raises, our anger increases, and my favorite part which happens now... Zayn, hearing this, and me realizing how dumb I am to argue about it even though I refuse to admit I'm wrong, grabs my chin and slams his lips against mine.
I kiss him back feverishly, running my fingers through his hair and down his face. He moves his hands under bum, which we established last week as a signal for me to jump. I jump and wrap my legs around his waist.
We continue kissing as he starts walking towards the stairs and our room. Time and time again this happens for us; we fight and then we make up by kissing.
We get halfway up the stairs when there is a knock on the door. I put my feet down and walk down to the door, looking to see who's outside.
There's two little girls standing outside with a mom who looks about five or so years older than me. I open the door. "Hello," I smile.
"Would you like to buy some cookies?" The brunette asks.
"Sure," I answer. "Babe we're buying cookies," I turn to tell Zayn.
"Of course we are," He chuckles coming up behind me and pulling out his wallet.
"What are your names?" I ask them, recognizing them from seeing them at the park time to time.
"I'm Sarah," The brunette says.
"I'm Emily," The blonde one replies.
"Hi Sarah. Hi Emily. I'm Charlotte. It's very nice to meet you," I high five both of them.
"You're pretty," Emily tells me.
"Thank you. But I'm not as pretty as either one of you!" I respond, grinning. I hand them the money and take three boxes of chocolate cookies.
"Thanks," They say together.
"Well I'll see you guys later," I wave to them as they head down the steps.
"Bye," They wave back. I shut the door once they've turned around to keep walking.
"Where were we?" Zayn asks, putting a hand on my hip.
"About to eat cookies," I reply giggling.