Elody Kerr POV:
Hopes and dreams are like teardrops in the rain, they get lost by reality. But for once, for the first time in 18 years, I can deny it. They only get lost when you stop believing.
My life in one word would be.. magic. Why? I never was the popular girl in school. Actually, I was probably the most unpopular person. For what reason? I have no clue. They treated me like I was some sort of toy, like I had no feelings. They completely destroyed not only myself, but my family. To my mother, I'm everything she needs. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her. Just think about seeing your child arrive home from school everyday with tears and pain in her eyes. But that was me for the longest time. And it killed my mother.
My father? I never knew him personally and i'm not planning on it. My parents were high school sweethearts, but then my mother got pregnant and he ran off. He left her alone. She had to come up with money and take care of a baby when she was only 20 years old, still in college. I will never forgive him for what he did to my mother or for him to not even bother calling on my birthday.
My mother was always there for me, she never knew what to say or how to comfort me but, she was always right by my side, holding me tight and reassuring me that everything would be alright.
As a teenager, we automatically need to be what society defines as perfect. You'll always be too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall... Too this, too that. I became obsessed with my body weight, the way I looked. In my head, that was the problem. I was idolizing these too skinny models and the popular girls at my school with the perfect body. I thought the reason people didn't want to do anything with me was because I wasn't like them.
In a blur of self hatred and sadness, I lost who I was. Everything fell apart. I was barely eating. Everything that came in, came out. Four months ago, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and bulimia. I needed help and fast.
"Look at you. You're young. And you're already scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen and sing to the music you want. Play it loud and dance along. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want and no one can do anything about it except yourself?"
Thats when my mom gave me a reality check.
This summer she practically pushed me on stage to audition for X factor, cause she knew singing made me feel better. She knew exactly what I needed. Spending weeks and months in a hospital and sending me to therapist wasn't the medication I needed.
I guess this is how I got here, struggling to put on a dress as a Xfactor finalist. I wiggle from left to right, jump up and down to help the dress slip to it place. Katherine is probably the only person on earth, that I know of, who can literally dress you, fix your hair and apply make up in less than 45minutes. The clock was ticking, it was almost time and this dress was not in my favour. Katherine zips me up and chose black wedges.
I walk onto the stage, my palms sweating like crazy. I look over to my left, were Demi was standing by my side, holding my hand and staring at the audience, smiling, waving. In the first row, my attention went straight to my mom who was giving me thumbs up. To my right, I saw Elizabeth and Kelly pulled in a hug, waiting impatiently for the votes.
Since the beginning, me and Elizabeth never really clicked. You know when somebody doesn't likes you, you get that feeling in your stomach. For my own sake, I kept distance from her. I am no good with socializing or making friends. Believe me, I tried to have conversations with the contestants.. but I got so shy and insecure around them I couldn't breath. They were all here to win, and all of them have such beautiful voices, especially Elizabeth. I guess that's why my hopes of winning aren't to high.
I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers behind my back. "And the winner of the 2013 Australian X factor is.." I took deep breath, and another one. As I take my time to calm down, I got in deep thoughts and memories of my journey here and remembered what my mother told me, 'There will always be people standing against you, just make sure you aren't standing with them'. And I was standing with them, for many years. I hated myself because they hated me. But they had no particular reasons why. I've seen and i'm living what standing up for yourself can affect your life. It changes everything.
"Because sometimes people do feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it's caving on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying 'i don't want to exist' isn't saying 'i want to die'. It's saying 'i wish that, for the time being, i could go or do something and not have to feel'."
And singing, writing.. Helps me express my feelings and not feel anything anymore. A tear slipped down my cheek. I smiled and lift my head towards the sky. I was happy. After everything I went through, it doesn't matter if I win or not. All of this helped me grow as a person I want to be without fear of others thought of me. The sudden loud noise and the sound of my name being called out zoomed me back to reality. "ElODY KERR". It was like I wasn't fully aware of what was happened. Everything was in slow motion. I had simon swinging me around, witch was weird because seconds ago he was sitting in his chair. Demi and my mom were crying in each others arms. I was speechless, overwhelmed. Tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably, both of my hands were hiding my face. Balloons and sparkles were flying everywhere, the audience.. they were crazy. This is crazy, all of this is simply crazy.