Imagine for @xarigrxdex
I sighed knowing I wouldn’t get any sleep tonight either. Ever since I started reading those comments on all my Instagram pictures and on my twitter, I just haven’t been able to fall asleep at night, at least not if I don’t take a sleeping pill. Actually all those comments had made me develop a depressing, and even a really bad one!
Justin had apparently noticed me moving around, because he turned around to look at me. He gently smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Can’t sleep?” he asked with his raspy voice, I sighed and shook my head.
“What are you thinking about?” Justin asked, as he hid his head in the crook of my neck.
“Nothing special” I told him, as I faked a smile. If he just knew about all of this everything would be perfectly fine, but I don’t want to make him sad, so I keep it to myself.
“Just try to fall asleep” Justin mumbled in my neck, I nodded my head and closed my eyes, but I still couldn’t fall asleep, so I waited for Justin to fall back to sleep, so that I could go to the bathroom and take my anti-depressants. Finally I could feel Justin’s breath got heavier, so I quietly crawled out of our bed and walked out to the bathroom. I found my pills under the towels in the cabin under the sink.
I got two out and then placed the bottle on its place. I sighed and looked at myself in the mirror before swallowing the pills. As I had swallowed them, I started crying. Maybe everything the haters told me was actually true? I mean, I am really ugly, I don’t understand what Justin sees in me, and neither does his fans!
Finally I could feel myself getting tired, so I went back to bed and lay down beside Justin. Justin gently groaned and wrapped his arms around my waist. I gently smiled, not a completely real smile, but a decent smile….
The next morning when I woke up, Justin had already left the house. I sighed, as I noticed the tiny note on Justin’s pillow. “Went to the studio to finish a song or two. I’ll see you tonight beautiful! I love you,” the note said, I sighed and crawled out of bed. I went into the bathroom and took a long nice shower, then afterwards I just found some black sweatpants, an adidas hoodie and a pair of black adidas shoes. I decided not to wear any makeup, since I would just be staying at home, and my hair was just in a messy bun. I unplugged my phone from the charger and went downstairs. I wasn’t hungry, so I just made myself some coffee. After making the coffee I went into the living room with my laptop. I turned it on and checked Twitter, “You’re such a whore! Why don’t you just go kill yourself?” Someone had replied to my latest tweet, I sucked in my breath and my lip started trembling.
“Kill yourself NO ONE WANTS YOU!” someone else had replied, that really broke my heart tears started running down my face and a sob or two left my mouth.
I closed my laptop and stood up, I ran upstairs again and ran into the bathroom, where I found my razor. I hadn’t been using that razor for two years, but I just needed to use it now! I let the razor slide across my wrist, and then familiar feeling of pain rushed through my body, but I liked the feeling, it made me feel a different kind of pain than all the awful comments.
“Y/N, what are you doing?” the familiar sound of Pattie’s voice rushed through my ears. Immediately I stopped cutting myself and looked at her.
“I-I” I tried to say something, but I just couldn’t. More tears started running down my cheeks, and Pattie immediately sat down beside me and hugged me from the side.
“Hey Sweetie, it’s okay” Pattie comforted, I shook my head and started sobbing really loudly.
“No it’s not Pattie, the last few months have been so horrible” I told her, as I continued to cry. Pattie simply nodded her head and pulled me close to her, she grabbed a towel that was lying beside her and wrapped it around my wrist.
“Tell me what’s happening,” she simply told me, she didn’t sound mad, she just sounded sad.
“Well, a few months ago I started reading all those comments on my Instagram and Twitter, and that’s when I developed a depression, I haven’t told Justin about this, because I don’t won’t him to worry about me, he doesn’t deserve to be sad” I explained to her, Pattie nodded her head and tightened the grip around my wrist.
“Justin knows what you are going through, he has been depressed himself, remember?” Pattie asked me with a small smile, and I nodded my head.
“He will be sure to make the people stop, because you are his everything, and he wants you to know that” she continued, and once again I nodded my head.
“What are you doing here Pattie?” I asked Pattie all of a sudden.
“Justin invited me for dinner at 6, but I just couldn’t wait to see you guys, so I left earlier” she explained, I smiled and finally it was a real smile.
“You’re so sweet” I told her, Pattie smiled and hugged me tighter.
“So are you, and you’re beautiful, and caring and just absolutely amazing” she explained, I chuckled and dried some of my tears away.
“Will you please tell Justin about this when he come home?” Pattie then asked, I nodded my head and took a deep breath.
“Yeah, he deserves to know” I told her. Then we could hear the front door open downstairs, and soon after Justin running up the stairs. He finally made it to the bathroom, and looked at Pattie and I with furrowed eyebrows.
“What’s going on in here?” he asked, as he noticed my red eyes and stained tears.
“Justin I have something to tell you” I told him, I looked at Pattie, and she nodded her head before standing up.
“I will leave you two alone” she smiled, and then she left the bathroom.
“What do you wanna tell me baby?” Justin asked me, as he sat down beside me. I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand tightly.
“The last few months I have been depressed, I have been taking anti-depressants and even sleeping pills just to feel better, I have been taking them whenever you were away” I told him, as I looked down. Justin didn’t say anything, he just sat there, until I looked up at him, tears started streaming down his cheeks, and he was quick to pull me even closer.
“Why haven’t you told me?” he asked, as he placed a sweet kiss on top of my head. I shrugged my shoulders and snuggled my head into his chest.
“I just didn’t want you to be sad, because you really don’t deserve it” I told him, Justin sighed and grabbed my jaw, so I was looking at him.
“I have been depressed myself, remember? I don’t want you to keep this from me, because you know I will do anything and everything for you just to see you happy” he explained, I chuckled and nodded my head.
“Your mom just told me the same thing,” I told him, and then I placed my head against his chest again and sighed loudly. Justin found his phone in her pocket and went into camera.
“Justin what are you doing?” I asked him, as I snuggled my head into his chest once again.
“I’m going to take a picture and post it on Instagram just to make sure people understand what you’re going through” he explained, I sighed and shook my head, but eventually I gave in and looked at the camera. The picture actually turned out pretty well, we looked like one of those Tumblr pictures.
“Just came home and found my beautiful girlfriend of the floor in the bathroom with my mom! Turns out she has had a depression for several months without me even knowing, only because she knows how much I love you guys! She didn’t want to cause any problems, because it’s the hate that has made her feel the way she is feeling! I can’t stand seeing her cry, let alone being sad! So please respect that I love her, and that I will do anything and everything to make her smile” he wrote, I awed and kissed his cheek before standing up.
“I’m just going to clean my wrist, and then we can eat dinner with your mom” I told him, as I helped him up. Justin nodded his head, and finally he placed his lips on top of mine.
“I love you baby, don’t you ever doubt that” he explained, and then he left the room. And little did I know, Justin really loved me, because he did everything in his power to help me out of my depression, he tried everything to make the haters stop, and all in all he made me feel like a princess, a feeling that I had never felt before…
Please tell me what you think!
And if you selfharm or have a depression, just know that I love you, and I will no matter what, because you're special to me!
- Amalie xo