an angel who forgot how to fly

let me tell you a story About a girl and a boy He fell in love with his best friend When she's around, he feels nothing but joy But she was already broken, and it made her blind

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38. rejection and heaven

BELLA

I let her go. i know he's trying to hurt her Chaz told me straight up. gale said leaning against the wall. i rolled my eyes chancidy chancidy chancidy. it's just always about her. i laid down on my bed face planting my self in a pillow.

gale snapped his fingers. are you even listening Bella? this is a serious matter.

by now my patience had worn out and i was just about ready to blow. if he snapped his fingers one more time. i counted to ten before sitting up.

bella? gale asked come on i need your help he added. And then he did it. the thing that ruined everything. snap.

*i'm warning you now. the rest of this chapter will contain a little self harm and cussing if you don't like these things don't read the rest of this chapter. have a nice day*

god DAMMIT gale i have been listening to you rambling about chancidy for three fucking days. chancidy this. chancidy that. why can't you open you're eyes to see theres other things in the world besides her. other girls. let chancidy go off and fall in love. let her go in to some damn depression again. let her come back. you don't want her to get hurt i don't either but maybe the wrong thing is right. and im going to admit. i like you gale. matter fact, im head over mother fucking heels. im in love with you. you can't see that because you're two GOD DAMN busy obsessing over chancidy. by now tears of anger wear streaming down my face.

i was off the bed throwing random things off the dresser. not caring what it was. glass plastic pictures. i looked at gale to see he had a shocked expression on his face. i marched up to him and did something the regular me would not have done. but i guess this was another side of me.

i smashed my lips on to his and we moved in sync. i Bella swan kissed a boy. not just any boy. gale. i pulled away. that's something i wanted to do for a long time i said giggling. he probably thought i had just escaped the freak show but i didn't care.

i was free. my evil dad was in prison. prison. and i had the boy...well i kissed the boy. worried now about what gale was thinking i looked up to see he was gone.

i don't know what exactly what happened after that. it was like my soul had left my body and well whatever was left took over. just let me tell you. when i came to i was in a place no one could dream of.

"I" walked in the kitchen and grabbed a knife. one that my uncle used for carving wood. the front door open and looked up to see my aunt with a bunch of groceries in one hand.

"I" smiled at her and waved the knife still in my hand. "I" went over to the sink and washed the knife off.

could you help me unload these bags my aunt said smiling. "I" looked at her still smiling and said very coldly im busy.

she looked at me confused as i skimmed the knife over my arm. Bella sweetheart put the knife down she said slowly.

"I" ignored her and walked down the hallway to the bathroom. "I" closed the door and locked it ignoring my aunts banging and calls. i looked at my self in the mirror and smiled some more. i took my shirt and pants off leaving me in my underclothes.

"i" set the knife on the sink and started twirling around still looking in the mirror. "i" did this like my mom showed me when "i" was little while playing dress up. then it hit me. he didn't want me.

gale didn't want me. "i" started to scream in frustration and embarrassment. he didn't want me. "i" stopped screaming and looked in the mirror once more.

ugly stupid slut whore cow fat skank gay "i" repeated these things over and over to myself for exactly 15 minutes.

"i" know started to cry. first it was just little tears now it  was full out sobbing. i grabbed the knife from the sink still ignoring my aunts frightened calls. "i" started with my wrist then my arms my stomach (which i took quite a long time on) then my thigh which hurt the most considering i did them the deepest. next the outline of my underwear then my ankle. it each cut "i" screamed and cried louder. "i" repeated this process over and over until there was no more blood to drain. until "i" was nothing. until "i" was dead.

it was nothing like childs play. "i" did them deep. something that would take years to go away.  something that he would notice and kiss me repeatedly begging me to never do it again.

now let me go ahead and tell you my dad was right. well the dad i had before my mom died. he described heaven as one word. paradise

 

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