6. Late at night
Late at night, when you lie awake, you often think an awful lot. How you could have chosen better. How you could have saved something you lost. The darkness does that to us. Makes us think. Wonder. Reconsider. Sometimes it scares us, sometimes it wakes us up. But always, always, it makes us think.
I am thinking. Thinking of what I have lost. Thinking of how I could have changed so I wouldn’t have lost. Thinking about what could have happened to me if I hadn’t lost. It’s nostalgic and sad thoughts, but they are necessary from time to time.
I have so many holes. Holes that can never be replaced. Holes that itch as they try to heal. Holes that burns when they gets set ablaze by words. Holes that are almost dear to me now, because they remind me that I feel them, and I felt the joy of the people and innocence that used to fill them. I will never get them back, the fillings. They are forever lost. But I can cover up the holes, keep them deep inside of me, and build new little areas of people and things on top of them, to protect my weak spots. One day, maybe all these little holes will simply disappear from the pressure of all the other little joys, and I will be the closest one ever comes to being healed. But I will always, always remember. I will always carry the bits and pieces with me. His smile. The touch of his lips. The way she used to run around with me. The way we used to laugh. And sometimes it will bring tears to my eyes, other times it will bring a smile to my lips.
I am wishing for happier times. Times where I didn’t cry because of heartbreak, but because of a scraped knee. I hope that one day, I can go to someplace where I don’t even have to cry. But where I can smile, be happy and laugh at all times. But I know that that is not, ever, going to happen, because the world is a mean, cruel place that is laughing when you are crying and smiles at your pain. That’s what the world is. And we can only make the best of it.