Have you ever tried to have someone, and then suddenly breaking it off, and you are not sure what is going on?
I'm like that right now. 24 days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 20 months. I had tried breaking it off in January, but he had begged me to not let it end. I gave him another chance, and he used the following two months on not really being there. It had been a long-distance relationship all along, but since the summer of 2013, when we had been together for a year, he went to a boarding school, and suddenly, I wasn't important anymore. Well, I was, but he pulled away from me. He had been putting me as a second priority for 6 months when I broke it off, and 24 days ago, I had had enough. I talked with one of my friends, and he made me realize how bad my boyfriend actually treated me. I texted him that we needed to talk, but as he was with friends (at someones house, it was a Saturday, and they had been to a party the night before) he couldn't talk before Sunday night. I spend my entire weekend crying, feeling my heart break again. I do not even keep count on how many times I've felt my heart breaking since Summer. He knows me very well, and he knew that I was out of my wits, and he left me hanging until late Sunday evening. When he finally was able to talk, I couldn't break it off. The next morning, I went insane. I wasn't myself, and Monday evening, I called him, and we talked for a max of 4 minutes, where we agreed that we could not get it back on track. "So that is it, i guess" I said. He said yes, and then I said goodbye. He said goodbye. Then I hung up, and spent another half an hour crying in the arms of my mother.
Now, I am not sure where I am. I do miss him and do not miss him at the same time. I love and miss the one he used to be, before he became a ... I don't even know. An oblivious fool. I do not cry over him anymore. Once in a while, it hits me like a hammer that he is not there anymore. He is completely dead to me.
It is incredible, isn't it: someone why you thought loved you, turned around on a plate and stopped caring. I didn't even believe him when he told me that he loved me. Not the last month. He kept on making my heart ache, and I do not know what to make of what we had. I am sad, yet relieved. I don't talk much about it, because I do not know what to say.
I just got my braces off, and I got earrings for the first time, just 2 days ago. It had been planned that when I got the braces off, I should get earrings. I had been looking so much forward to showing him the result, and him going "Whoa, you look gorgeous". I do not really know what to think about him not knowing of this... and I hope that he is sad, and regret that he did everything wrong. I told him, one night, when we were talking, the last time we saw each other before breaking up, that I had a theory that I might have given myself a damage when it came to feelings, that I was mentally unstable in some day, due to stuff in the past. His only reply was "Okay". I mean, you girlfriend tells you that she might be mentally unstable, and you do not react in any fucking way?
Anyway. I feel like... I don't know. I thought that he was the one. I miss the old him, I miss knowing that there is someone that loves you without any reason at all, that is there for me when I need a hug or a kiss, or just need to cuddle to a cliche, girly movie. I miss someone loving me unconditionally, and not being my mother. I miss being 'the one' to someone. I feel so broken and yet not. It makes no sense, really. It is scary that I am so indifferent to this entire thing most of the time. And then, sometimes, I just stare into the empty air, trying to imagine what he is doing at this exact moment. Is he laughing with someone else than me? Is he sitting in an empty room with tears in his eyes, just like me? Does he miss me? I want answers, but I cannot get them. I miss his hugs. I miss falling asleep in his arms. I miss waking up to him being awake in the middle of the night, and kissing him and just laying there in the dark, kissing and lying so close that I can feel his heartbeat. I miss having someone, meaning the world to someone. I miss being the one. I miss that boy that tells you that you a cute and sweet, and when you say that he is cuter and sweeter, he will start arguing about it, and not stopping until he is right or we compromise, or I cut him off with a kiss. I miss his old, clumsy, boyish self, not his present teenage-sassy-asshole-self. I still hope that when I wake up the next morning, this will all be a very bad dream, and that everything is back to what it was. I just want my sweet, caring and lovely boy back. Writing this makes me cry again, and I haven't actually cried over this since that Monday. I miss picking him up at the bus terminal on Fridays and having the entire weekend together. I miss having someone to text everyday, asking me how I am, what is going on, and just trying to make me smile when things gets tough. I miss someone who really cares, and not just a couple of times a week, but every day. I miss someone telling me goodnight and good morning, sweet dreams and calls me sunshine, angle and love. I miss romance, I miss love, I miss someone caring.
I am so sorry that this text is so unstructured, but I just needed all of this out.
Over and out. ~