It's been two months since I went to lunch with Cayleb's parents. At this point, Cayleb has become very week. He hasn't found a donar yet, and his parents are spending every dollar they have just to get him a pancreas. I even offered giving him mine when I died, but he told me that I wasn't going to die so that wasn't an option.
He has a hard time digesting food now, and he has to breath through a mask most of the time, just to keep his lungs somewhat cleared. Me on the other hand, haven't changed to much. They still can't get the tumor by my brain stem to shrink, and the one on my spine isn't getting to much better either. I have random spasms where I can't control my body. The pain in my back has increased my a lot too, so I'm on high medication for pain pills. And I've been stuck in a wheel chair for sometime too, only because I have a hard time sitting up by myself.
Cayleb was in his room sleeping, while I was in my room for chemo. My mother was holding up a bucket to my mouth so when I vomited, I didn't puke on myself.
Once chemo was over, I was going to go visit Cayleb, but my mother told me I shouldn't wake him up. So we ended up watching We're the Millers. It was one of the best movies I have probably ever seen too. I fell asleep a short time afterwards, still exsausted from my chemo treatment.
When I woke up the next morning, I snuck out of my room before my mom woke up. I rolled over to Cayleb's room, but when I opened it. There was nothing there. The bed sheets were folded, and a lady was in the room cleaning. I froze, and rolled into the room a little more. "Ms, where was the patient that was here just yesterday?"
"Oh I heard this patient passed, I'm sorry Ms if they were close to you in any way." My body went stiff, and I could feel tears in my eyes. Cayleb? No. My heart rate picked up, and I felt a horrible pain in my chest. My nose stung, as tears formed in my eyes. I quickly charged out of the room, I grabbed onto the front desk, and pulled myself up from the wheel chair.
I looked over the desk, to see my Doctor there. "WHERE IS HE?!" He looked at me confused. "Where is Cayleb?!" Nurses were staring at me now, and I didn't even care. My Doctor came over to me and tried putting me back in my wheel chair. "NO!"
"Sit down, before you hurt yourself." My eye sight was suddenly going blurry, probably from the tears.
"WHERE IS HE?!"
"Madi?!" I heard my mothers voice, coming from somewhere. "What's wrong?!"
"She keeps screaming for Cayleb, but he's in the room down the hall." I felt around me, I couldn't see anything.
"Somebody told me he died!" I was sitting in my wheel chair, but I was gripping the arm rests. My heart rate was still beating quickly.
"Did you go in the wrong room?" My mother asked. I shook my head. I felt my chair being pushed, and I could feel the temperature change as we entered a different room. "Cayleb is right there."
"Hi Mad." His raspy voice echoed in my head. I reached my hand outwards. "What are you doing?" I felt my hand touch something, and somebody laced their fingers down around mine. I calmed down after I could feel his touch. "Madi look at me." I closed my eyes. "Madi are you okay?"
"Somethings wrong." I opened my eyes again, but nothing. This wasn't the tears anymore. "Mom get my Doctor." I heard Cayleb wince a little, and I realized I was squeezing down on his hand really hard. Was I going insane? I went into the wrong room? Thought Cayleb died? Now I can't see anything?
"What is it Madi?" I could heard my Doctor say.
"I can't-." I swallowed. "I can't see."
After hours of taking x-rays, it was confirmed that my tumor was sitting on a bad spot on my brain stem. So when my eyes tried to send signals to the rest of my body, and my brain, it failed. So until I could remove my tumor I'd be blind.
After having the scare with Cayleb, I didn't really care if I was blind. Hearing that he had died, crushed me. Like I didn't even know what to think. My brain was obviously messing with me though, and this wasn't the first time. I forgot my fathers name, Gabi visited and I couldn't even remember who she was. Then hours later, something will click and I'll suddenly remember.
I haven't really told any of these things to Cayleb, because when he found out my body was having spasms, he freaked out.
I ended up sleeping in Caylebs room for a few nights, and eventually my Doctor moved my bed into his room, and hooked up my machines in there. Had quit studying for a while, because he was getting really worried about me.
But honestly, I couldn't even tell who was in worse shape, me, or him.
"Madi, have you ever made a bucket list?"
"No, but I came up with some things one time, when I had my first surgery on my tumor."
"What were they?"
"Well, to graduate High School. Which obviously won't happen now. I want to become a family therapist. I've always wanted to get married and have a kid. And I want to Carrie Underwood, and go on a girl date." I laughed. "What about you?"
"I actually had a long of things in common with you. I want to graduate High school and a University. You inspired me to become a specialist in helping cancer patients." I smiled. "I want to get married, and have 500 kids." He paused. "But I can dream."
I held my hand out towards him, I didn't know where he was really at, but his hand soon came to mine. I figured out how to intertwine our fingers, and I slightly squeezed his hand. "You can dream, or you can do something about it."
"Madi, you know I can't have kids."
"Your own." I paused, "There are millions of kids out there who are unwanted by their true parents. That what people like you are for."
"People like me?"
"Yeah people like you are perfect." I smiled, and he squeezed my hand telling me he was smiling too. "Cayleb, you're the only thing good that's ever happened to me, don't doubt yourself, because without you I'd probably be dead."
"You wouldn't be dead, you're a true fighter."
"I could say the same for you." I smiled, and suddenly Cayleb's grip loosened. "What's wrong?" I listened closely to see if I could hear him wheezing, but there was nothing. "Cayleb if this is some joke, please don't." I freaked out, and reached for the pendent on my bed.
I heard the doors open, and they mumbled around as they began talking. "Okay hand me the defibrillator." The blood drained from my face and I felt my body go cold.
"Madi stay calm, he's going to be fine." People mumbled around. "Put the tube down his throat to clear his pathway, and check to see if his pancreas is showing any signs."
"No no no no." I grabbed the edges of my bed and squeezed the handles. I tried taking deep breaths, but I began choking on my tears. How can this just happen?
We were having a peaceful moment, and I have to say goodbye. No, I can't even say goodbye he just can't leave me. I began panicking, so many things were running through my mind. I could barely even function all the thoughts going trough my head because of the major head ache that was coming.
The nurses and doctors worked on him for what seemed like hours, eventually I just couldn't even listen anymore. I covered my ears multiple times, wishing I could just see his face one more time if this was going to be it.
As time got longer, I started to give up hope. It was like my hope, was fading with his life. I needed him. He can't leave me, he's my other half. He's the on thing in life I need. I don't need a heart, lungs, stomach, or anything. I just needed him.
Soon the room became silent. "Madi." I could hear my doctor say.
"If you're going to tell me he's gone, I don't want to hear it." He gave me no response.
"Pancreas failure, at 10:47 AM on February 1st, 2014." I closed my hands into a tight fist. It was official, my light was gone. Just like that, at the worst moment ever. And his last words were "You're a true fighter." How can it just end like this? No goodbye? No kiss? No hug?
And just like that, I was alone... again.