My best friend is leaving. Not the city or the school, but me and my life.
A mother I have got, but my mom is gone. She constantly shout and tells me what not to do.
Well, I just guess I cannot do anything right.
They dropped my lunch in the trash. When I told my mom, she said it was probably my own fault.
My dog likes me when there is no one else around, but when she sees another person she leaves me to play with them.
My pony lays her ears back, the moment I walk into the stables. Only if I bring food, she likes me. And the worst part is that I do not know why.
My cat liked me, but he was run over by a car.
My father’s mother liked me, even though we did not speak the same language, but she died. My cousins on my father side likes me, but they do not really know me.
My father’s father died, before I was born.
My mother’s parents loves me. Every day I wish to take the train too them, but without my horse, I cannot get past the day.
Humans scares me. I do not know why. I always need a wall in my back; otherwise, I start shaking and crying. And I just do not know why.
The past week, riding is starting to make me unhappy. I just do not understand. Riding made me happy. I have gone through so much with my horse. I was not allowed to ride her at first because the first thing she did, when we got her, was throwing an adult man of her back, before he even got in the saddle. My mother thought she was aggressive, but she was just scared. The man just bumped into the saddle. Poor thing.
My mother got someone else to ride her but the teacher thought she was a big horse with a stupid mind. My horse is not stupid. She is so fragile. My pony, the one who is angry with me, is not scared of anything, put the teacher hit my other horse with the whip so hard, that my pony, who was on a whole other track, than my horse, got scared of her.
My horse was always stressed. She was sweating, and she just wanted to get out of the track and back in the paddock.
At the end, I got enough. I started riding her myself, even though my mother got mad.
Now we have one the city cup. Together. Even though the teacher said, she was not good for anything but eating. Just because she was scared.
She likes me. Sometimes. At times she is still scared, but not of me. The people around. Just like I am.
When I tell my mother I am scared, she says I have to quit fooling around. I am too old for that. She does not understand. She does not even try.
I do not know if I can cope anymore. I cannot even go for a walk, without being scared.
I have nightmares almost every night.
I have friends. However, my best one is leaving, and the others are only in my mind.
Occasionally the thought passes me. The window in my bedroom. Jumping out the car. Laying in the paddock. Maybe the horses will step on me and end it. If I am laughing with my best friend, if she would miss me.
Sometimes I just need hug. Or, a smile. I am always smiling. Maybe one day, someone will smile back.
I am not hungry. I do not want to get up from the bed in the morning. What is the point anyway? Going to school? Getting homework? Being scared in the bus? Being yelled at, because I forgot something? Sitting alone the entire day? Risking my lunch ending up in the trash?
There is three things I really want. I want to be an Egyptologist, a vet or an author, but I just do not have the skills for any of them. I love animals and I just want to help them.
I need help but I do not know how to say it.
I do not want to be near people. They hurt me. Just looking at them, being happy. I wish for them to be happy. I wish to be happy. That is only a mask. I cannot hold the mask, when I am alone. I cry.
Worst part is: I do not know why. I simply doesn't have a clue.