I sat on the floor, cradling my hand waiting for Niall to come back, and for Paul too pick us up. Harry had called Paul almost immediately after I snapped at Liam, since then, rather happily, the boys have given me some space. I watched the glass as thousands of paps and our girls pounded against it, and screamed "What Makes You Beautiful" at the top of their lungs. My head snapped away from the glass as I heard footsteps approaching from the other side of the parlor. My heart broke as I saw the state Niall was in, his face no longer had tear streaks on it but his eyes were bloodshot and his nose was bright red. I stood up and walked toward him.
"How ya doin Rudolph?" I asked jokingly, and was praised with a small smile.
"Bet-ter" he said but winced as his voice cracked.
I chuckled slightly and slung my good arm around his shoulder.
"Good, cuz how would we find our way back to the hotel without our favorite reindeer?" I continued with the same joke and this time was granted a hoarse laugh, but still got to see the crinkles by his eyes.
"Zayn, mate, may I speak to you?" I looked at Liam, who's eyebrows were furrowed.
"Can't it wait?" I asked, and he shook his head no.
I sighed and followed him toward the Men's bathroom. Once we were inside I immediately got a bad feeling, a feeling that told me he didn't want to just poke and prod my hand again.
"Spill." He ordered walking behind me, blocking the exit. Immediately the "bad feeling" got worse and I felt like I was going to puke from how nervous I was.
"Spill what?" I praised myself for keeping a steel voice that didn't show what I truly felt, cuz on the inside I was freaking out.
"You know bloody well what I'm talking about." He said taking a step toward me, and I backed up but cursed silently as my back hit the wall. "Do you like him?"
I breathed in quickly, and felt like I was going to pass out, I looked around for an escape route but found none.
"Like w..who?" I cursed myself as I stuttered, Liam sighed and took another step closer.
"You know who." I gulped and felt my palms start to sweat, was it that obvious?
I felt panic envelope me, did the fans know? Did Paul know? My breathing became ragged and I was quickly getting tunnel vision. Did Modest! know? They couldn't, they would immediately kick us out of the band, Niall would lose his dream, all because of me. Did Miguel know? My fingernails dug into the hard wall at the thought, he couldn't find out. Niall would die because of me if he found out. I slid down the wall as tears fell from my eyes, I hated this so much. Why couldn't I have been born normal? Why couldn't I like girls instead of guys, everything would of been so much easier, I could practically have any girl I wanted. But no, I had to like the one person I couldn't have. I put my head on my knees with my good arm wrapped around my legs, my left hand just barely touching the ground, for fear of hurting it. I hated how weak I was. I was suppose to be strong. No I HAD to be strong.
"I'm gonna take that as a yes." I heard Liam say, then felt a hand on my knee. I lifted my head just enough to see over my knees slightly and saw Liam crouching in front of me with a sympathetic look on his face. "I'm sorry."
I shook my head, I didn't want nor need his sympathy. I needed to be normal.
"I don't need your sympathy. I need to be normal." I spat, and pushed his hand away, then lifting my head up completely and glared at him.
Liam stared at me confused, and slightly hurt.
"Why do you say you aren't normal? Huh? Because you like an amzayn guy?" He said using the form of "amazing" Our Girls came up with too try and cheer me up. "Or because you're a pop star loved by thousands of girls and guys?"
I looked away from him as a few silent tears slid down my face. But this time. They weren't tears of sadness. But rage.
"Because I've killed before, because I've killed without thinking about it. Because even if Niall on some planet did care about me as more then a friend, I couldn't be with him. Because I could ruin his life in a second if anyone found out about me liking him. Because just me being around him is putting his life in jeopardy! Just being around anyone or anything I care about could lead to their death!" I screamed, but paled as I saw the look of fear and shock on Liam's face, I felt the nausea get worse as I realized what I just said.
I ran to the nearest loo and vomited the contents of my stomach up, then just kneeled there for about five minutes dry heaving and spitting. I flushed the toilet, then stood and stared at the pale, wide eyed Liam who was staring at me.
"Z..Zayn... What did you mean by all... That?" He questioned, referring to my outburst.
"Just forget about it. Ok? It's for your own good." I said as I walked to the sink and rinsed my mouth out.
"How can I forget about it? One of my best mates just admitted he was a bloody criminal!" He whisper yelled glancing nervously at the door I was heading for.
I stopped as he said "criminal", my good hand curled into a fist.
"I'am not a criminal. Just forget about it." I growled and stormed out of the bathroom, hating myself even more as I saw the innocent worried stares of three of my best mates.
"You ok?" Louis asked, I gulped but nodded.
"Fine. Anyone heard from Paul yet?" I asked but my question was quickly answered as he stumbled in the door, gasping from the mob of Our Girls.
"You lads ready?" He questioned and we all nodded as Harry limped to the bathroom and got Liam.
"You ok Zayn, you're looking a little washed." Paul asked.
"Yep. Just a little tired." I said yawning, but wincing as I used my left hand to cover my mouth. Idiot.
"What happened to your hand?" Paul yelled rushing toward me and grabbing my hand in his gently.
I winced but didn't pull away. I sighed and rolled my eyes pointing at the mob outside.
"Oh I don't know, but I'm positive it has nothing to do with the mob of idiotic fans!" I screamed, but gasped along with the rest of the boys.
"Zayn, what's your problem!" Louis screamed, and I just pulled my hand out of Pauls grasp, fighting the urge to scream in pain.
"Nothing. Can we leave?" I spat, not quite knowing why I was taking my anger out on anyone that breathes, I was usually better at controlling it.
"Please, Zayn, calm down." My head snapped to a scared looking Niall.
I bit my lip and looked away, ashamed.
"Sorry. I just... I... I'm tired." I said, I really was a ticking time bomb, and I knew I would explode sooner or later.
I was scared. I was angry. I was humiliated. I was weak. I was selfish. But most of all. I hated myself for living, for putting the ones I love in danger every time I look, talk, or think about them. Liam was right. I'am a bloody criminal. And I've just put them in danger more then ever.