Copper and Tears

She didn't chose to be depressed, but she'd do anything to be happy again.


3. Everyday

It was a kiss. We were caught up in the moment, and it just happened. It meant nothing.

Sophia tried to convince herself that the kiss earlier that day had meant nothing, that it didn't even happen, but she couldn't help replaying it in her head. Even as she sat sobbing in her bedroom as her parents argued, she could feel his warm breath against her lips as if he was there; when she was reading her favorite novel, her lips still tingled from his force. "It wasn't even a kiss," the voice in her head told her as she lied awake in bed. It was well past midnight but she couldn't sleep; the voice continued telling her about all of her flaws. "He just bumped into you, then casually played it off. He probably forgot all about it by now, since he's on Alyssa's lips." This comment made her suddenly burst into tears, her own voice convincing herself that Issac really didn't mean to kiss her. Her sobs were loud and uncontrollable, but they unfortunately awoke her sleeping father who had been drunk that night. He stumbled into the dark bedroom, attempting to flick on a light but was only successful in knocking over things on her shelves. "What's wrong?" he demanded in a worried tone as he took slow, cautious steps towards Sophia. "Just a nightmare, daddy," she told him, wiping her eyes with her blanket and sitting up in bed. A sad, guilty look appeared on her father's face as he sat down on the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. "If you need anything, I'm here, okay?" he said, his voice calming Sophia. She nodded as he kissed her forehead then stumbled out of her bedroom, leaving the smell of beer in her bedroom. The darkness that encircled her eventually lulled her to a peaceful slumber, to dreams of a world that was much kinder to her than the one she lived in now. In her dream land there were no voices in her head that told her she was worthless, there were no scars on her arms, and there was no hatred. Every morning she prayed that her dream world might be real by tomorrow, but it never did happen. 

Maybe I'll see him today, she thought silently as she walked through the big glass doors to school. We can talk about what happened yesterday and clear the confusion. Issac was there that day, and though Sophia watched from a distance he never did look for her in the hallways, or mention her name. "I told you," the voice hissed. "He doesn't even remember what happened." Suddenly the feeling of his lips against hers vanished, the fond memory she had in her head was no longer there. A sinking feeling settled in her heart as she watched him wrap his arms around Alyssa's waist, leaned in to kiss Alyssa's lips. "He's clearly not thinking of your lips, is he?" the voice asked sarcastically. Though tears welled in her eyes, she refused to let them spill. With a deep breath and a strong veneer, she passed through Issac's group of friends as if they weren't even there- until they called her out.

"Aye, red-head!" one of the jocks called to her. She paused and debated whether to turn around, but instead continued walking. "I know you can hear me, fatass!" This remark stung Sophia, and this time she did turn around, but only to watch the group of teenage boys snicker at her. Their girlfriends accompanied them in a harmonious, cruel laughter but she could see Issac's solemn expression. "What are you staring at?" one of the cheerleaders she identified as Jennifer, asked her. The laughter had ceased as Jennifer neared Sophia with a malicious visage, hissing swear words at her until her nose grazed her's. The cheerleader's perfectly manicured hands reached out and grabbed Sophia's books with a strong grasp, then flung them on the floor with a loud crash. At this point everyone in the hallway was staring, most were roaring with laughter. Jennifer's smirk grew as she cackled along with her group of friends, some now crippled over with laughter. Sophia's face grew red and tears now spilled from her eyes, blurring her vision as she picked up her books from the cold tile. No one offered to help, no one yelled at the group to leave her alone, unlike what movies displayed. Unable to handle the torment, she wiped her tears and ran down the hallway towards the courtyard, carrying her books loosely in her arms. The only thing that was on her mind now was the way Issac had looked at her like she was an abused puppy, and the urge to kill herself.

Hours passed as she sat in the wet grass of the courtyard, her clothes and hair becoming damp with the warm rain. Thunder echoed overhead but she paid no attention to mother nature's warnings; she just sat there in a huddle against the brick wall she had become so familiar with. In the silence she heard the door open and out stood Issac, with a worried look on his face. "You're gonna get sick out here," he said, kneeling in front of her. He held out a book to her, the one she had dropped in the hallway when Jennifer knocked her items over. She took it from him hesitantly, biting her lip in effort to keep her mouth shut. "I'm sorry about what happened earlier," he told her. He was now looking at the ground in shame, as if he was the one teasing her instead of his friends. "I should've said something to them-" "No," she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "It was my fault anyway." Part of her knew it wasn't actually her fault, that the group had nothing better to do and that they were simply jealous, but another stronger part made it feel like it was her fault. Issac looked up at her, with confusion in his eyes. "It wasn't your fault. They're all jerks, and they're wrong about you." Sophia forced herself to look away from him as she began sobbing again. In the rain no one could tell whether they were tears or raindrops, but it never stopped her from feeling weak in front of others. "Awh," the voice said with a snarky tone. "He's making you think he cares." A whimper that didn't even sound like her own made Issac even more worried, but she couldn't tell. "Sophia-" He held her cheek with his hand and wiped her tears away with his thumb. She pulled away from his caring gesture, but realized she wanted it more than she didn't. He retracted his hand and stood up from his kneeling position, and Sophia could hear herself pleading in her mind, Please don't leave. Don't leave me here to cry, please just help me. When she looked up at him, he held out his hand palm-up, signaling her to grab it. She did willingly and he pulled her up and into his arms. Once again she was in his embrace, with his face nearing hers, and she felt herself longing for his lips. "Alyssa," the voice nagged. "He's still with Alyssa. He still kissed Alyssa. He still loves-"

With one quick movement she forced the voice to hush as they kissed for the second time, this kiss more sincere than the last and lasted much longer. Their lips moved together in perfect time, and with each breath Sophia felt herself fall more in love with him. When he pulled away from her, she then realized he wouldn't love her in the same way she loved him, if what she was feeling was even love. He had an expression on his face that was like no other, a mixture of guilt and self-hate, an emotion she was familiar with. "Issac, I'm-" She began to apologize to him, but he raised a hand to her, silencing her instantly. "It isn't you," he says, his voice sounding puzzled. "I like kissing you. I love kissing you." He sighed and ran a hand through his wet hair. "I just don't feel guilty when I kiss you, it's only when I kiss her." Sophia felt her heart ache, but she couldn't determine whether it was sadness or happiness. In her mind, Issac was saying he loved to kiss her and that they could possibly be together, but he still thought of Alyssa. Of course he still thinks of Alyssa, she thought. They're still together, you know. A few more tears spilled out of her eyes and before she knew it, Issac was kissing her again, this time with more force than the last. She gave in to his sweet lips that she now noticed tasted like licorice ("Alyssa's lipgloss," the voice had informed) and she let him hold her as if she would fall at any moment. When he kissed her there wasn't anyone else in the world, there was no Alyssa, and there was no rain. When he kissed her, the voice in her head stopped talking, the bullied ceased their harsh words.

When he kissed her, her dream was coming true.

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