42. Chapter 42
*3 months later*
I felt so much guilt. Alex had been dead for months now, but she was on my mind everyday. It was all my fault. I knew she was depressed. She was happier with Andy and then I came along.
Tom, Gustav, and Georg figured it out. I didn't have to tell them the whole story. They knew.
We had Alex's funeral the same week she died. No many people showed up. Just Black Veil Brides, Tokio Hotel, and a couple other people. Alex wasn't kidding when she said she got bullied and didn't have many friends.
I'd been in a kind of depression in the time that Alex has been gone. I didn't leave my room, I barely ate, I couldn't sleep; and when I did, it was nightmares.
Tom tried everything to get me to come out of my room, to eat, to talk to him. In the end, nothing mattered anymore.
He wouldn't talk to me. He was my best friend. We were supposed to tell each other everything. I was in his room constantly trying to get him to come out of his depression, to show some sort of happiness. I told him jokes that would normally make him burst out laughing with his awkward laugh, but now he just stared at me. I tried to get him to write songs with me, he seemed to have constant writers block (when he even tried at all). Getting him to talk at all seemed to be the hardest part.
"Bill" I said for the millionth time, "Talk to me."
He stared at the wall, no emotion on his face.
"Please." I reached over and shook his shoulder. Finally, he turned and looked at me.
"It's my fault. She killed herself because of me."
"She was depressed. There was a lot more than you know going on."
"She was getting better. And then she met me."
I opened my mouth to say something, but Bill's face showed that there was no convincing him otherwise of what he said.
I looked down at his bed and the stood and walked into my room. I grabbed my acoustic guitar on it's stand and walked back into Bill's room. I settled back onto the bed and placed my fingers over the strings.
"Let's sing. For her." I started to play Don't Jump.
He closed his eyes and started singing. After a while, I noticed tears in his eyes.
When I finished the song, he looked more dead than even.
"I'm sorry, Billa." I said.
He closed his eyes. "Could you go? Please?"
I nodded silently and walked out of the room, taking my guitar with me.
I was on the couch asleep, when I heard the door open. I sat up and saw Bill standing in front of the open door, hesitating.
Instantly, I knew. Tonight was the night. I wanted to stop him. To tell him that there was still hope. But he was different from me. He couldn't move on from love easily. Maybe he could only ever love once. And he felt like he ruined it. He felt like it was his fault. There was nothing I could say to stop him.
"I'll miss you." I said. He glanced up at me, the pain and despair in his eyes. Then he walked out the door. I heard the door click shut but I kept staring at the door. Slowly, I stood; I walked to the front door and opened it. I couldn't live without him. I wasn't lucky in love, everyone knew that; Bill was the only thing keeping me going. He had to know that.
I walked slowly through the crowd of people gathered underneath the tall building.
Déjà vu, I thought.
A cop held me back saying not to go through.
"That's my brother." I said and he looked at another cop who nodded and he let me through. Camera crews swarmed everywhere, trying to get into the building and then questioning me when they recognized my face.
"Tom, do you know what caused Bill to think of committing suicide?" A reporter with blonde hair and brown eyes asked. I ignored her and kept pushing through to get to the front door.
I was very aware of my own calmness. I was so relaxed which should have scared me considering the circumstance, but it didn't. I pushed the door open and walked down the hallway to the stairs.
I climbed them slowly, counting them.
Finally, I reached the roof; the last number still flashing behind my eyelids.
I saw Bill, standing on the edge of the roof, looking down.
"Hi Billa." I said. His head twitched towards me and I knew he heard.
"I don't blame you for what's about to happen. I doubt I'm even going to try and stop you.... I don't even know what I'm supposed to say... you know I've never been good with speeches." I chuckled at my own comment, the memories. Bill was still silent.
"I can't live without you, Bill. So I wont." I stepped on the ledge beside him and grabbed his hand. He looked at me and smiled. A genuine smile, something I hadn't seen in months.
I returned it and looked down below us. A loud roar had gone up. It was the fans yelling out for us.
They were singing.
"I scream into the night for you! Don't make it true! DON'T JUMP!"
A smile appeared faintly in Bill's lips.
"Ready?" He asked.
We took a step forward, the fans screaming below us.