39. Chapter 39
I was sitting on the couch watching TV and Alex suddenly burst through the door crying. I stood up.
She walked right up to me sobbing and before I could ask her what was wrong, she said: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"What's wrong? What happened?" I asked, baffled.
"I wasn't with friends!"
"What?" I asked, confused.
"I was with Bill. When you were on tour, he came over and we kissed. I was afraid to tell you. He wanted to meet and talk about it, so I did. I told him I didn't want to be with him." She sobbed.
I took a step backwards and my hands dropped to my sides.
She cheated on me, I thought, Alex cheated on me
She saw my facial expression, which only made her cry harder.
"I'm sorry! I don't love him!" She stood where she was, her hands covering her face. I wanted so badly to comfort her.
She cheated on you, a voice in my head whispered.
It was like my brain couldn't process what was happening. I heard her crying and I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn't.
She cheated on me. Those four words kept repeating in my head.
"I-I have to go..." I said.
Alex was on the floor, on her knees. Her hands covered her face and her dark hair fell, in a tangled mess, all across her hands and shoulders.
I grabbed my car keys from the kitchen counter and walked out the front door. I didn't bother to close it behind me.
I climbed into the car and started it, pulling out of the driveway.
I still envisioned the sound of Alex's crying as I drove down the highway.
I screwed up everything. Not only, did I mess up my life, but Andy's and Bill's along with it. Andy was going who knows where, Bill was heartbroken, all because of me.
Then I heard the voices:
It's all because of you
Your mother's dead because of you
Your baby died because of you
Andy's hurt and off doing something he'll regret because of you
You crushed Bill and now he hates you
It's all because of you
I clutched my chest and tried to stop my crying, but I only cried harder and harder.
They're right, I thought, It's all my fault
And at that moment, I wanted to die. I never wanted to die so bad in my life. I just wanted to end it, to punish myself so that the world or anybody else wouldn't feel as though they had to.
Slowly, I stood and walked into the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror and then opened the cabinet. Inside were anti-depressant pills. Andy had insisted on me always having them handy in the house. I winced at the thought of him.
Slowly, I unscrewed the cap and poured the pills into my hand.