Carry On Home

Kristen is an average 16 year old girl. That is, except the fact that her parents get divorced and everything went downhill from there, or so she thought. Her mom now lives in London,UK while her dad lives in Pennsylvania, USA. She goes back and forth every six months, changing schools and leaving her friends behind. Her life was turned upside down. What will happen when she goes to stay with her mom and runs into some people she never thought she would meet?


14. Memories

Kristen's POV

I've been home for a month now and my memory still isn't back. A little part of me dies every day, knowing I may never get it back. I don't get to see Liam very often now since him and the boys starting their tour last week. As much as I miss him, it kind of helps to be alone sometimes. I spend most of my days up in my room, looking at old pictures. Sometimes I swear I remember something, but I don't think I really do. I've also been reading the diary and it's almost like reading a book, but it's your life. The only problem is not remembering it. The girls have been leaving me alone most of the time. They ask me sometimes if I want to go to lunch or out somewhere with them, but they eventually gave up trying. We all know that nothing is going to help me right now. I feel bad, but I really need to be alone. Sometimes, I spend the nights crying myself to sleep when no one can hear me. I've started to lose hope of ever getting my memory back.

Today, I told my mom I was going for a ride to the park. The truth is, I'm not going to the park, but the barn. I know everyone will think I'm crazy for going back to what nearly killed me, but it's not something I can just give up. I've been visiting there a few times a week, but no one knows. They would never allow it. There's something that feels so right about the barn, like its the only place I feel like myself. I decided that I would actually ride today, not just hang out. I pull up to the barn and hop out, running to Callie's stall.

"Hey baby girl. I've missed you so much. Are you ready for a ride?" I ask, slipping my arms around her neck in a hug. She bobs her head, almost like saying yes. I turn at the sound of someone's voice.

"Hey Kristen, haven't seen you around in a while. Afraid of a little fall?" Anna says, snickering.

"No, actually I've been in the hospital until last month. I spent three months there in a coma. I also had a concussion, broken ribs, and a broken arm. There's no way I could come here, I'm not even supposed to be here now. So, obviously you didn't hear what happened," I say, staring as Anna's mouth dropped.

"I-I didn't know. I'm sorry Kristen, now I feel like a complete bitch," she says, but I'm still mad.

"So all of a sudden you care? What about all the other times you basically bullied me about my riding and now , since I got hurt, it's a different story," I say, hooking a lead line on Callie and walking away from Anna, who was standing there speechless. I was done with her pushing me around.

I tacked Callie up and got on. I decided not to jump today, just to her used to riding before I try anything, so I decide in a trail. I sling my guitar over my back, which i decided to bring since it always calms me down and I wanted to go to my favorite spot. I remember the day all of us went on a trail ride and went swimming here. Oh, wait, no I don't remember. I just remember the pictures I saw of the day. Everything is so calm and relaxing. I hop off by the willow tree and I tie the rope I brought around a tree and onto Callie so she doesn't try to run. I sit down against the tree and take a deep breath. This is not how my life is supposed to be. I can't even remember my own boyfriend, but from the pictures of us, I could tell we were happy together and I had a real smile on my face. Now, all my smiles feel forced and fake. Everything was too overwhelming in my life. Even when I'm with Liam, something doesn't feel right. I know it kills him knowing that I don't remember him and I would do anything to make him happy, even if I'm not.

I set my guitar on my lap and start strumming the chords to one of my favorite songs, which fits how I feel right now. The song is Wake Me Up by Avicii:

"Feeling my way through the darkness

Guided by a beating heart

I can't tell where the journey will end

But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand

They say I'm caught up in a dream

Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes

Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over

When I'm wiser and I'm older

All this time I was finding myself

And I didn't know I was lost

So wake me up when it's all over

When I'm wiser and I'm older

All this time I was finding myself

And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world

But I only have two hands

Hope I get the chance to travel the world

But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young

Not afraid to close my eyes

Life's a game made for everyone

And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over

When I'm wiser and I'm older

All this time I was finding myself

And I didn't know I was lost

So wake me up when it's all over

When I'm wiser and I'm older

All this time I was finding myself

And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost

I didn't know I was lost

I didn't know I was lost

I didn't know"

I finished the song with tears in my eyes. The only difference is I know I'm lost. So lost that I don't know if I'll ever find my way or if its even worth it. I've been ready to just give up countless times, but I always look down at my wrists. Each of these scars represents a battle I've had, a lot of the time with myself. I've been able to overcome all of them, so shouldn't I be able to overcome this as well? Suddenly, I hear the sound of hooves coming down the trail. I see a horse coming towards me and the rider stops the horse in front of me. I look up into the eyes of the person I least expected to be here or even know how to get here.

"What are you doing here and how did you know where I was?" I ask.

"Well, I thought of the one place you loved. I remember you once telling me it's the one place you always know you belong, and I was right," he says, dismounting and tying the horse up next to Callie then sitting next to me.

"What should I do?" I ask, looking into his blue eyes that I always remember sparkling in pictures, but now look more dull. I know it's because he's upset and it's because of me.

"Kristen, I wish I knew. I wish there was some magic word that I could say and everything would be better, but life doesn't work that way. You just have to promise me you won't give up. I do truly believe that things will get better and your memory will come back. I know how strong you are and I believe in you. I want you to know that either way, Liam will always love you. I really like you Kristen and I know this is horrible timing but I thought you should know. The only problem is I know you guys are perfect together. I can see it, even if you can't right now. Before the accident, you would get this sparkle in your eyes and a smile that could light up the world on your face whenever you would look at him. You guys really have, or at least had, something special and I don't want you to lose it. I want you to promise me that you will stay strong. Do it for me or better yet, do it for Liam," Louis says and I start to cry again. He comforts me by hesitantly wrapping me in a hug. I lean my head on his chest and in that moment, I swear I can remember a night that we did something like this. We were best friends pretty much. I remember having no room and sitting next to Louis, watching a horror movie and then getting scared. Wait, I remember something! Not everything but it's something! I decide to play it cool and see how long it takes Louis to realize.

"Louis, do you remember the time that we watched the horror movie and there was no room on the couch, so we sat on the ground and I got scared so I hid behind you? And when we played manhunt, then stayed over and I fell down the stairs and landed on you?" I ask him, but that's all I remember sadly. Little pieces here and there and still no Liam.

"Yeah I do. That was so fun! Except for you landing on me, that hurt. Omg, Kristen! You remembered! You have your memory back!" He yells, suffocating me in a huge hug.

"Louis, wait. Before you get all excited, that's all I remember. Those little bits and nothing more. I still don't remember anything about Liam or most of the other times we've spent together. I guess it's something but not a lot," I say, looking down. He pulls back and holds me out so I'm arms length away from him, getting a good look at my face.

"You are very pessimistic, love. Look at it this way, it's something, right? I know you want to remember everything, but you just need to take one step at a time," he starts cracking up after that and I just stare at him, confused.

"Umm...Louis? Are you ok? I don't get what's so funny about that," I say and he tries to talk in between laughs.

"Sorry, it's not that funny. It's just when I said to take one step at a time, I thought of the song. You know, 'just take one step at a time, there's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly or falling in love.' I just imagined you in heels taking steps and trying to fly, but fell back down. I don't even know why I thought of that," he says, looking down embarrassed. I guess his laugh is contagious because now I'm cracking up for no reason.

"Lou-Louis! Your laugh is contagious! Make it stop!" I yell, laughing with tears in my eyes. He looked at me and just kept laughing.

"Nah, I'm good love," he says, them holds a hand out to me, pulling me up. "We should probably go back before anyone gets suspicious. I promise I won't tell your mom because she will probably freak."

I nod in agreement as we both mount the horses and start back to the barn. There is a silence in the air, but it's not uncomfortable. When we reach the barn, we dismount and put the horses back in the stalls. As we're walking out, I hear someone call my name. I turn around to see Irene.

"I knew it wouldn't be long before I saw you here again. Your mom told me about the coma and broken bones. That was a hard fall you had there. I managed to get it on video by accident. I was videoing your ride when it happened. Are you feeling better?" She asked and I nodded.

"Well, I'm feeling better physically, but mentally, no. Supposedly, I lost my memory of things in the past few years. I don't remember falling at all and it really is frustrating when things seem so familiar but I can't remember," I say, and she nods understandingly.

"Maybe, you'll want to see the video. It could trigger something in your mind about the accidentally. Only if you want though," she says and I nod, looking at her happily. It's not that I'm happy about seeing my fall, but it could trigger memories like Irene said.

"Sure, that would be great," I say and she walks away to get the video camera. She comes back a few minutes later and hits play on the video. I watch intently as I start the course. The beginning of the course is good, great form and time, but then it gets crazy. I watch myself continue to the next jump and can tell things are off when Callie takes off. I watch as she trips and them picks herself pack up. I can tell I'm trying to slow her down, but she won't listen. As she approaches the second jump, Callie trips and falls, me underneath her. As I'm falling, I see my head hit the jump and then fall to the ground, unmoving, then the camera goes black. Thats definitely what I saw in my dream or whatever it was. The only difference is the perspective. In my dream, I was riding the horse. I wince as the memory comes flashing back. All I know is that is one thing I know for sure I remember, which must mean all the other visions were true too.

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