A loss for words

He heard my weakest calls, and still came.

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2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

 

"Just one more Destiny, come one one more… Just bit deeper now… Perfect" The lady told me to do. "Now lets get rid of that food… two fingers now" She instructed me. I gaged, and gaged, eventually dry heaving. "There's nothing left" I said weak, as the blood flowed down my arm. "Yes there is, try harder." She said sternly, and cold. "I sh-should fix this c-cut" I applied pressure to the deep cut. "No." She yelled. "Bleed out, you deserve it." I look at her in terror. "You're wrong!" I cry out to her. "Look at yourself! Depressed, and broken. No one wants someone like you." She yanked me up by my hair and forced me to look in the mirror. She's right, I was broken, no one will ever want me. "Fat, ugly, broken, depressed, lonely…" She spat these words out at me harshly. "Stop.. stop stop stop!" I yelled. My body was shaking, I had no control… I was slipping.

 

 "Destiny.. Destiny wake up. " I heard a light voice say to me. I sat up fast, and eager, scared and confused on what was going on. "You were having a bad dream…" Emma said to me pulling me in to a hug, rubbing small circles on my back, rocking back and forth. "Shhh it's okay…" She calmed me down as I cried in to her chest. My eye's are heavy, so heavy, I want to sleep so bad, but I can't. "I'm sor-r-y" I cry out to her. "Shh you didn't do anything, there is nothing to be sorry for." I she hushed me. "It was so re-real" I whimpered. "It's fine nothing can hurt you now, you're fine." I want to believe her, but it was just so real. "Em please don't ever let me do anything stupid again. Promise me you will never let me harm myself again." I looked at her scared, and vulnerable. She looked back at me with such compassion, and love. "Destiny I will give up everything for you. I will never let you ever, ever do anything stupid again. I promise on my life." I hugged her tight, "Thank you," She calmed me down and soon after we feel asleep again. 

 

I woke up to the sounds of shouts, and car horns. I slowly sat up and stretched my arms, yawning and looking around as I fully woke up. I grabbed my phone and checked the time; 7:12. I groaned and pushed my body out of the bed, and walked over to my window, sliding open the curtains. What little light was out, shone through the window like rays, directing all over the room. I looked out the window watching as the people on the streets walked by, as they all lived their individual lives. I heard a groan for the other side of the room. Looking over I saw Em looking around the room confused, and to be honest, like a hot mess. "Morning" She whispered in a morning voice. "Morning Em" I said a bit more enthusiastic. She rolled her body out of the bed wrapped in a blanket walking over to me. "Whatcha looking at?" She asked me. I looked out the window and sighed. "Just the people" I answered. After a few moments of looking out the window I decided it was time to get ready. "So what do you wanna do today?" I asked her. She looked over to me snapping out of her daydream and smiled. "I was thinking we can just go shopping and you can show me around the town?" She asked looking for my approval. "Yea sure that sounds fun." I said to her. "Okay great, do you want to take a shower or can I?" She asked me, I shock my head and told her she can go first. I showed her the shower and gave her a towel. 

 

I walked over to the kitchen and made my self a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. By the time I finished Em was out of the shower, so it was my turn. I walked in to the bathroom, looking in the mirror, and I was happy at what I saw, a skinny fit girl who was happy. I started to take my clothes off, starting with my sweater, I looked down at my wrists. They where marked and scared with jagged slashes going every-which-way spread all along my lower arm. I now took off my under shirt and bra, admiring the cuts that rested on my ribcage, now fading, the scares that where once the thing that I went to for strength, was fading away. I took my sweats off, and looked at my hips, where the worst of them all laid. The cuts where deep, and purple, some that I did weeks ago, where still healing. They covered my hips, not a space un-scared. I started to cry, not only had I been such a terrible dark person, I was once in love with something so disgusting. Possibly i was in love with this disgusting thing because I was, and still am, disgusting. I looked in the mirror once more, but this time it was different. The girl I saw only moments ago was gone, no I saw a fat, ugly, broken girl. Nightmares, and memories of a time in my life that was so dark came back, and took over my body. Before I knew it I was kneeled in front of my toilet, with two fingers in my throat. The muscles in the back of my throat flexed in a way I was sadly so familiar with. Hot tears ran down from my eyes. I'm not like this, but this is me.

 

After my shower, I got ready, throwing on some jeans, a white cap-sleeved shirt that was lose on my body, and a dark green jacket with black shoes. Em was dressed in a red long sleeve, a black leather jacket, a scarf, dark jeans and black shoes. "Did you eat yet?" I asked her, she nodded "I found the kitchen and made my self some eggs" I laughed at her, and she just shrugged. We both grabbed our purses, phone and wallets. "How much do you have?" I asked her. "Like 200$ I think, I'm not sure." "Same." I told her. "Okay great lets go the boys are getting here at three, so I want to get some stalking in before tonight." She told me. "Okay, I have an update accounts number and she said she'll help us." I told her. "Great." She said, and with that we walked out of my apartment and started walking. 

 

We walked down the crowded street, the snow fell on the ground around us as we walked. Shouts, screams, horns, all sorts of noises going on as we walk towards the subway. "You ready?" I asked her encouraging, since she has never ridden one before and I could sense she was nervous. "There's no other choice?" She asked, I shook my head. "Then yeah, I'm ready." She smiled forceful, I laughed at her nerves. She grabbed my hand and found a seat. I grabbed my head phones and plugged them in, giving one bud to Em, and putting the other in my ear. "What playlist, passenger, Ed, or the boys?" I asked her. "Passenger." She choose, and i clicked the playlist. Immediately Passenger -All the lights- started to play and I fell in a deep trance. How is this going to end? What was my dream about? I'm recovered, aren't I? I mean I haven't cut for 172 days, I mean thats a pretty big accomplishment. At least, I think its it?

 

I looked over at Em, who was now asleep on my shoulder. I smiled and shook her a bit. She looked at me a bit startled and confused. "Its time to get off." I told her. She nodded and grabbed her bag. We walked to the subway mall entrence. "Where to first?" I asked, she shrugged. "How about we go to Pacsun, I've never been." She suggested. "Yeah okay." I agreed and we both headed towards the store. My phone started to ring when we came towards the doors to Pacsun. I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked at the screen, it was my dad. "Hello?" I answered. "Hey dad here," He said, a bit oddly. "Yea I know, caller I.D. Is everything okay?" I asked him. "I just wanted to check in on you. Are you home? You and Em okay?" He started to question me. "Yeah why?" I asked him as worried, as I stopped in my tracks and stood still by the jeans. "Well our landlord called me, he said there was gun shoots, they have the guy I just wanted to make sure you're okay." He told me. "Oh my god, yeah we're fine, we've been out at the mall since this morning." He sighed in relief. "Okay well don't go home until I get there, I don't want you guys there alone." He told me, and I agreed. "I love you coffee bean," "I love you too dad," we said goodbye and I hung up the phone. I decided it was best if I didn't tell Em, since she shouldn't be stressed like that. "Hows this?" She asked me as she pulled out a tee-shirt off the rack. I smiled "I love it."

We spent the next three hours going in stores shopping. "I'm starved," "Me too, lets get Aunt Annes," She suggested. "Okay." I agreed and we walked up to the line. "So what have you decide to wear to the concert?" She questioned. "Not sure yet, I'll decide when we get home." I told her. Finally it was our turn in line. We both get pretzels and shared a sprite. I started to eat it but stopped since my stomach started to hurt. I got nauseous, and ended up ganging. Em looked at me concerned, but knowing my condition, she took the food from me, and rubbed my back. "Come on," She grabbed my arm and lead my towards the bath room. I knelt down next to the toilet and started to throw up. She rubbed my back, cooing me, trying to relax me. I've gone so long with purging, its become a natural habit, and is hard to shake it. Tears rushed down my face, as my stomach pump out what was left in my stomach. Finally done, I sat back on the floor with my head in my hands. "I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone, I promise I will never leave you." She told me, looking into my eyes. She pulled me in a hug, and we stayed like this for awhile. "Thank you," I cried to her. "Here." She handed me the soda, and I drank it. She stood up and held out her hand, "Come on, we have shopping to do." She smirked at me and I took her hand, and she gave me a piece of gum. 

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